The Cat In The Hat Review
by John Sylva (DeWyNGaLe AT aol DOT com)November 24th, 2003
DR. SEUSS' THE CAT IN THE HAT (2003)
Reviewed by John Sylva
© 2003, TheMovieInsider.com
After viewing the first (and hopefully last) live-action rendition of Dr. Seuss' beloved children's book The Cat in the Hat, I can come to only one conclusion about the film's director, Bo Welch: He must really hate kids. How else to explain a film that so blindly robs a book of its childhood innocence and replaces it with pure, unadulterated vulgarity? It's clear Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat is attempting to follow in the footsteps of (and cash in on the success of) Ron Howard's Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas of three years ago-the production design, costuming, and makeup are all clearly inspired by Howard's picture. But, unlike Howard, Welch, a production designer making his feature film debut here, simply has no idea what the hell he's doing. Right from the get-go, when it's revealed that everyone in the film drives a neon green Ford Focus and lives in pale purple houses, it's clear you're in for a bumpy ride. But there's simply no preparing for how bumpy-or nauseating-the ride actually gets.
At least the very basics of the plot remain true to Seuss' work-following the film's dreadful opening scene, I half expected to watch a public service announcement about the importance of washing your hands after using the bathroom. Spencer Breslin and Dakota Fanning star as Conrad and Sally, a constantly fighting brother-sister duo who, one afternoon, are left with a sleepy baby-sitter by their workaholic mother (Kelly Preston) and are terrified and later elated when a talking, six-foot cat (Mike Myers) shows up to put a little spice in their lives. Cat, equipped with two devilish dwarf helpers named Thing 1 and Thing 2, is ready to tear the house down-literally-but will also teach the kids a life lesson or two along the way.
And at this, Welch, for reasons I can't possibly comprehend, breaks all ties between his film and the book, setting his Cat on a one-way trip to the fiery pits of cinematic hell.
I'll start with the positive, considering this is the stuff of Seuss: What's good here boils down to two words-Dakota Fanning. As the control freak Sally, who revels in her mischievous brother's being scolded by their mother, Fanning continues to show she's wise beyond her years as an actress, providing not only the film's only moments of genuine humor but also the film's single redeeming quality.
Now onto the negative-which there's plenty of, trust me. I think the following scenes sum up the film's less admirable qualities quite nicely: At one point, Cat picks up a garden hoe from, well, it's not really clear, and yells after a dog he's chasing, "You dirty ho!", and then turns to the camera with a wink-wink nudge-nudge moment that will have parents being asked a question I'm sure they'll be delighted to answer. In another scene, millionaire heiress Paris Hilton makes a cameo at an underground rave party where everyone is wearing a replica of the Cat's hat (don't ask), which will provide parents with another thrilling opportunity-to explain to their children why they've seen that woman on the news lately, or (let's hope not), on daddy's T.V. Or how about this one, a scene which may just be the crowning embarrassment in a film full of them: When Conrad comments that riding down the stairs reminds him of an amusement park ride, Myers' Cat whips out a pair of tickets to Universal studios, looks straight at the camera, and suggests: "Kind of like a trip to Universal Studios?" If you don't see what's wrong with all this…then maybe, just maybe, this movie's for you.
Now, the excess of mature humor would have been acceptable, or at least a little less off-putting, had the film presented the jokes with the slightest ounce of good taste-or had they been even remotely humorous. Look at 2001's Shrek. There's a great deal of adult humor present in that film, but never is it in a "Hey, look at me, I'm for the grown-ups, too!" kind of way: It just so happened that the story at hand allowed for there to be appeal to children as well as adults, and the screenwriters realized they could get away with a few subtle jabs here and there that the youngsters wouldn't catch. In The Cat in the Hat, though, screenwriters Alec Berg, David Mandel, and Jeff Schaffer are insistent upon your realizing that this film's for the big boys and girls, too. Do the filmmakers not realize that the stories of Dr. Seuss are admired for their purity, not for their puerility? There are very few of us who didn't grow up on Dr. Seuss; we don't need asinine gimmickry to make his stories enjoyable.
But no, it doesn't stop there. Mike Myers, in an utter embarrassment of a performance, strains to find laughs in a script that provides him with none. Myers attempts to inject his soulless Cat with everything from his numerous Austin Powers personalities to Martha Stewart to several of his most popular Saturday Night Live characters, but he comes up short on all counts. The personality-or purpose-of Cat is never established, leaving the viewer puzzled as to why Sally and Conrad eventually become so attached to him; what's so appealing about a giant cat who, when he isn't parading around singing soulless, obnoxious musical numbers, is throwing up hairballs?
Even when the film is at its most innocent, as it seems to be when young Conrad makes a bit of a mess of his home in the film's opening, there's something not just off, but downright weird about what's happening. Though naturally a mother would respond with some level of scolding towards her son in such a scenario, perky Joan goes so far as to tell her son she sometimes wishes she wasn't his mother. What? Later, we learn Joan may be plotting with her neighbor/boyfriend (Alec Baldwin…why he's here, I don't know) to send Conrad to military school to whip him into shape. Again, what?? And as for Thing 1 and Thing 2-let's just say I might be having nightmares after seeing what Welch does with them here. They're downright terrifying. By film's end, it's as if you're watching the worst film David Lynch never made with a drunken, painfully unfunny Mike Myers-wannabe as the lead. Is that what Dr. Seuss had in mind when he penned The Cat in the Hat? If so, then God bless you, Bo Welch, you've enlightened us all. However-I think it's safe to say that, somewhere, good ol' Ted Geisel is rolling over in his grave.
GRADE: F
Film reviewed November 22nd, 2003.
More on 'The Cat In The Hat'...
Originally posted in the rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup. Copyright belongs to original author unless otherwise stated. We take no responsibilities nor do we endorse the contents of this review.
