Darkness Falls Review
by Jon Popick (jpopick AT sick-boy DOT com)February 26th, 2003
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The worst horror film since Valentine, Darkness Falls epitomizes what we've grown to expect from Hollywood in the month of January: Hackneyed stories, mindless direction and bad acting from people we don't even recognize as actors. It's even worse than Kangaroo Jack, and that's a statement I was hoping not to make for at least a few more weeks (or until that Charlotte Church movie comes out).
Falls begins promisingly enough, using an effective voiceover to explain the creepy legend of one Matilda Dixon, a well-known resident of the town which shares its name with this crapfest of a movie. Back in the day, Dixon used to give the local kids shiny gold coins whenever they lost a tooth, hence her nickname - the Tooth Fairy. But then Dixon was badly burned in a fire and forced to wear a Phantom of the Opera-style mask. To make matters worse, the townsfolk accused her of being involved with the disappearance of two little boys and hung her ugly ass, but not before she vowed revenge. The kids turned up a few days later, yet Dixon's curse had already gone into effect.
Since then, her spirit, or whatever, shows up every time a local child loses his/her last baby tooth. You see her face, she tries to kill you - it's as simple as that. End voiceover (and foreshadowing via old pictures with melting faces, a la Raiders of the Lost Ark), and begin story with young Kyle Walsh (Joshua Anderson) yanking out his last tooth and fixing to hide it under his pillow when Caitlin Greene (Emily Browning) comes bounding through the window like Joey Frigging Potter. He asks her out, they kiss, she leaves, he falls asleep, the Tooth Fairy shows up and kills Kyle's mom (Rebecca McCauley).
Flash forward 12 years, where after a long stint in the nuthouse, the adult Kyle (Chaney Kley, Legally Blonde) has settled in Las Vegas, still haunted by the Tooth Fairy's wrath. Kyle gets a call to return home and packs his bag full of anti-psychosis drugs and lots of flashlights so he can help out the adult Caitlin's (Emma Caulfield, Buffy the Vampire Slayer) younger brother Michael (Lee Cormie), who hasn't been able to sleep since he lost his last baby tooth. End interesting premise and begin minefield of schlocky horror clichés, allowing just enough time for Kyle and Caitlin to fall in love all over again, of course.
It's hard to pick a place to start bashing Falls, though the idea of a murderous Tooth Fairy seems like a good starting point. What's next? Santa Claus a racist? The Easter Bunny a rapist? Pee Wee Herman a pedophile? This Tooth Fairy, who sounds a whole lot like Gollum, wasn't even supposed to be seen in the film, but the studio reportedly forced the filmmakers to Stan Winston it up for the big, laughable finale. And isn't it a little odd that the Tooth Fairy vowed revenge on the townsfolk through its children, but she kills approximately zero kids and scores of adults? Doesn't that betray the very principle of the set-up? Or perhaps you were too distracted by the whole thing with Kyle's flashlights. Are they supposed to be used to fend off the Tooth Fairy or to aid you in seeing her face? And how are there still adults left in this town? Here's a wacky idea - move the hell somewhere else.
As dumb and ill-conceived as the story is, the people performing in it are much worse. Kley comes off as part Mark Ruffalo (the looks) and part David Arquette (the acting chops), while little Cormie plays a kid old enough to be losing his last baby tooth but young enough to still pronounce his Rs as Ws. It's not in my nature to badmouth the performance of Caulfield, because I truly believe that she will one day become my bride, but the bit parts here appear to be played by people who aren't talented enough to don a feathered suit and hand out flyers for Colonel McCluck Cluck's Fried Chicken.
1:20 - PG-13 for terror and horror images, and brief language
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