Deep Impact Review
by Ulrich Schreglmann (sm AT forwiss DOT de)June 11th, 1998
REVIEW: "Deep Impact" (1998) (spoilers)
Beware of movies containing sound in space while at the same time claiming they're "realistic." When the spaceship, meant to blow up the Big Bad Comet headed for Earth, takes off with with a supersonic bang reminiscent of the Enterprise going to Warp Speed, well, that was the moment the "ShYeahRight!"-level reached my consciousness threshold. It should have done so a lot sooner, what with its not just being the technical details that lack plausibility. But I guess I'm more of a technology pedant than a
psychologist.
OK, to get this straight right away: Deep Impact is a BAD movie. It's a screwed up movie about a subject of great potential. And whenever I see a film of that kind I try to remember all the big and little things that struck me as bad, thinking of ways it could have been done better. (However, after a few paragraphs I'll just resort to bitching.)
It's a matter of fact a comet could be on a collision course towards Earth right now, and it might be detected late--maybe even too late to do anything about it. (Improbable it may be, yet not impossible.) It is also a fact that most comets are discovered by hobby astronomers, because the big telescopes, while being able to magnify single spots in the heavens enormously, are pityfully inept when it comes to surveying the starscape as a whole. So the first scene, in which a boy in high school astronomy class finds an uncharted spot in the skies can fill you, quite convincingly, with a sense of dread, knowing what the movie will be about.
Cut to next scene, the photo with the spot that shouldn't be there is sent to a professional astronomer, who, after only a few seconds of computer wizardry, determines the snowball will hit Earth right smack in the middle. (We all know how fast astronomers can make such accurate predictions from the the last comet scare we had. "Oh, it'll come so close it might actually graze the moon--whoops, sorry, must have gotten a floating point wrong there.") Anyway, the comet is scheduled for the great get-together at least two years from then, but the astronomer has to race down the mountain in order to tell the world right that night, risking life and limb--and duly losing it.
Actually that scene might have worked just as well as the first one, like this: Comet is discovered by accident, well in time to warn mankind, but a single cigarette butt falling into the lap of the oncoming truck driver is responsible for precious possible months of preparations lost. And a simple frown of concern on the astronomers face would have sufficed, instead of that silly panic attack we all know astronomers get. (From the movie Contact we know they always have to go somewhere really fast by car when that happens.) Later we find out the accident isn't even much of a delay--that authorities were informed at the time, possibly thanks to documents left at the observatory. So what was the point of the astronomer's death? Something like, "ooh, the comet has claimed its first victim?" (Maybe that's the astrological point of view, I don't know.)
I have a deep suspicion the astronomer's death was originally intended exactly as described above by me, but then some dolt rewrote the script, left the death in, left it's point out.
Cut to a TV reporter who, while investigating an alleged political sex scandal, stumbles over the government's secret plans involving their knowledge about the comet and preparations to deflect it. Well, this cliche movie including a ficticious President of the United States wouldn't be out of the Clinton term of office period if it didn't try to clumsily nudge into some real life popular political affair. (Makes you see the intern scandal with whole new eyes, doesn't it? Ooh! Well, everyone who reads the right tabloids probably knew all along outer space and some conspiracy is involved.)
The President was about to go public anyway, because the national budget report is due, and it turns out they have spent quite a bundle on a big spaceship (the one that goes boom supersonically, in space) meant to transport thermonuclear bombs to the comet, thus blowing it into smaller bits that aren't on a collision course.
Here we have a variation of the old James Bond cliche, "rich villain/government organization builds a supersecret super-expensive base for some supersecret super-expensive super-important plan." The incompatible keywords are, of course, "supersecret" and "super-expensive." If that were the real world the problem wouldn't be hiding the imbalance on your bank account. The problem would be simply this: The money is used to buy the goods and services of thousands of people, to build a space station/spaceship. Raising no suspicions in any of them and keeping all those in the loop quiet, especially about approaching Armageddon, in our information age where all it might take is a qualified post into sci.astronomy to make someone look at a certain spot in the sky more closely. OK, if that movie were James Bond level I wouldn't mind. But it IS boasting realism!
Anyway, the supersecret, super-expensive spaceship takes off (with a supersonic boom). They obviously spent so much on the spaceship they even invented artificial gravity somewhere on the way. (It's the inevitable step, right after Teflon.) I can't remember the astronauts doing a lot of floating around. They even sleep in bunks lying down, not floating in sleeping bags the way you see real ones do in documentaries on Space Night. Maybe the ship just accelerates all the time. But in that case the crew would have lived in a tower, connected by stairs and ladders, not a long, flat corridor.
The spaceship (which makes noise in space--have I mentioned that yet?) is powered by some prototype kind of nuclear acceleration. That's without a doubt what I would use in order to make sure mankind's last hope definitely reaches their destination--some never before used nuclear propellant.
I can't make any educated guesses on how dangerous the sunny side of a comet is to an astronaut happening to stroll across it. My UNeducated guess, which I reach by extrapolating about the movie's "realism" so far, is: it was exaggerated in a sensationalist manner. (If anyone knows better, feel free to correct me. I'm sure there have been some discussions about the movie's realism already. I haven't read them yet, but I think I will. My critique is from the point of view of common knowledge.)
The crew tries to dig a nuke far into the comet's night side before it turns to face the sun. They run late, the sun goes up, pockets of steam start exploding around them, shooting chunks of ice and one unfortunate astronaut into deep space. (Whew! More drama!) I wonder how probable it is the comet's rotational axis is parallel to its orbital axis. Because if it weren't there ought to be a polar region on it that is constantly in the dark. (OK, the pole wouldn't be the point of preference from where to blow a chip off. You'd be a fool if you didn't use the centrifugal forces in order to bifurcate the trajectories of the resulting pieces even faster. But you'd have all the time in the world to drill from there.)
Anyway, the timing of the explosion was obviously off. The spacial iceberg breaks apart, but both pieces are still going to hit Earth. The ship hasn't any more propellant for a second run, instead they follow the harbinger of doom home.
At home plans are under way to save a portion of mankind Dr. Strangelove style, in huge artificial caves. Later we learn most of the devastation will be a result of dust from the impact darkening Earth for two years, killing all plantlife. So what's the point of digging yourself in? Wouldn't that effort have been spent better on producing large numbers of greenhouses, ultraviolet light bulbs to shine in them and additional power plants to provide them with energy? It's not like you're forced to shield yourself from radiation, as in a NUCLEAR winter.
A last effort to destroy the comets with tactical nuclear missiles from Earth fails. (Maybe by now the winter WOULD become nuclear.) The smaller comet's impact in the Atlantic Ocean is imminent; the president advises people to evacuate the coastal areas. Oh, great, NOW he tells them. (And apparently no one else who knew the point of impact in case they failed cared to inform East Coast residents in time, either, so highways wouldn't be congested.) The small comet hits and the Tsunami reaches as far as Washington DC. If to see the devastation of New York City is what you have come for, this is your moment.
Well, one thing at least you can rely on. If a movie is as cheesy up to this point it has to have a happy ending. The astronauts, limping alongside, discover a pocket has formed in the large comet. They manage to fly in, explode their remaining nukes inside, blowing the large comet to smithereens while also sacrificing themselves. If I managed to suspend my disbelief this far--well, why not. I'm too tired too still worry about plausibility at this point. Maybe it's realistic, maybe it isn't, who cares. The President makes an encouraging speech in front of the ruins of the Capitol, already in a stage of reconstruction. The End.
This review was mainly about the science aspects of this "realistic" movie. I could write a critique just as flattering and of this length about the so-called "character developments." But I won't. Suffice it to say, if you want to see the worthwhile bits, sneak in towards the end, see New York destroyed, then go see Mister Magoo or The Rainmaker or whatever else it is that runs in your local theater at the time. (This review was written in Germany. We're behind.)
Ool.
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