Joke Time [Merged]
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Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because the branch broke.
Why did the octopus fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the monkey.
Now you go!
Why did the bike fall over?
Because it was 2 tired.
Get it? Too tired, 2 tired?
Why did the elephant cross the road?
Cuz the chicken was on vacation.
A man rode into town on Thursday, spent the night, and rode out on Thursday. How is that possible?
His horse's name was Thursday.
A guy walks into a bar and says "ouch".
A man comes to the child who's playing in the yard and asks:
- Are your parents at home?
-Yes. - child replays. The man goes to the door and knocks but nobody comes. He goes again to the child and asks:
-Are your parents really at home?
-Yes. - child replys again.
-Then why nobody opens the door?
-Because we don't live here.
Sorry for bad English.
OK, OK, check this out, I was walking down the street one day when I see this kid crying. I ask him "Little boy, why you cryin" he says to me "M'daddies fighting in the street" Shaw 'nuff I look in the street and I see two men fighting. So I say to him "Well which one is your daddy?" He says back to me "That's what they fightin' about"
ba dop bop CHING!
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?
-Oh look! Donut seeds!
Yeah I thought that was a bit amusing myself, even though I'm blonde
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
to get to the other slide
What do you call 12 blondes in a freezer?...........frosted flakes
What's green and red all over and goes 120 MPH?
A frog in a blender.
what goes black white, black white, black white?
a nun falling down stairs
whats black and white and goes ha ha?
the nun that pushed 'er!
what do you call a lesbian dinosaur:
what do you call a masturbating cow:
Okay my friend sent this one to me:
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde,tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says,"Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb!
LOL that ones funny.
this is my all time WORST enemy of the joke world... if that makes sense. my lil cousin is always saying it:
dont cry, it was only a joke!
lol thats a nice twist good joke
What do you call a horse with no legs propped up on cindar blocks?
An amish mechaninc
a girl walks into the chest doctor and removes her shirt and she has a M on her chest. the doctor says how is there a M on ur chest, she goes o my boyfriend goes to michigan state and he likes this sweater and when we have sex it rubs off on me when he wears it. the next day same situation differnt girl she has a L on her chest the doctor says why do u have a L on ur chest she goes o my boyfriend goes to luis state and when we have sex he likes to wear his favorite swaeter and it rubs off on me. next day smae situation gilr walks in with a W on her chest the doctor goes ok i know why u have a W on ur chest ur boyfriend goes to wiscosin state and he likes to wear his favorite sweater while having sex. she says to the doctor close my girlfriend goes to Michigan.
damn I forgot the punches. Ok here goes:
what do you call a lesbian dinosaur: Lickalottapus
what do you call a masturbating cow: Beef Strokinoff
Oh okay those make sense now!
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve rope here. You'll have to leave." So the rope goes outside and ties a knot at the top of himself. Then he unravels the piece left at the top and walks back into the bar. Once again the bartender says, "We don't serve rope here. Didn't you hear me the first time?" The rope points to his top and says, "Nope. Frayed knot."
A father is sitting out on the porch admiring the sweet inoccents of his little daughter who is playing in the garden
the little girls calls for him, he goes over and asks whats wrong?
the little girl asks "daddy what are those bugs?"
the dad says "oh those are daddy long leggers"
the little girl asks " so is that the mommy long legger on the bottom?"
the dad says "no there both daddy long legger"
the little girl thinks for a minute then WHAM! she sams her foot down on the spiders and says " well were not having that sort of shit in our garden"
now i like that jokes rages very good
now i like that joke rages very good
Here's my favorite thanksgiving day joke:
Why are Pilgrim's pants always falling down?
Cause they wear their belts on their hats.
There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the road
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam
answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have s*x with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once
in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of
the girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no. He said, "I
heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want!"
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay
for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed
down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later
he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have s*x with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have s*x, and
Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman
will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the
disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-b*tch who ran over my FROG!"
A ten year old girl walks into the kitchen where her mom is making dinner and asks her: is it true that babies come out of the place boys put their thingis?
Relieved that they were getting over the topic her mom answers "yes honey" to which the daughter replies confused "but wont their teeth get knocked out?"
that is soooooooo bad
your mama's teeth are so black it makes me wana do a driveby with toothpaste
yo mamas so fat that when she goes out in yellow dress pple yell "yo taxi"
K here is one that my Big Brother used to do to me all the time when i was little.
What did the Farmer say when he lost his tracktor?
~im gonna see if you get it k then i will tel yah the answer.
Why animals don't go to the forest on Sunday?
Because elephants jump from the trees then.
Why a crocodile is flat?
Because he went to the forest on Sunday.
how do you know when a blonde has a blonde boy friend?
she has bruises on her belly button
A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it.
They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex.
Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman.
"You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
'Owzat for an answer..
I'd feel sorry for that guy.
lol thats good i have one:
two men are walking through the desert when they see a market, "lets see if they have beer," says one man, so they get to the market.
they go up to the first stall and ask if they have any beer, the man says "no sorry we only have donuts.", they head to the next stall, and ask if they have any beer, the man says, "No sorry all we have here is cakes." so they move to the next stall and ask if they have any beer the man says, "No sorry we only have fairy cakes here."
the first man said to the second man , "This is strange,"
the second said, "yes it's a trifle bazaar"
A Joke a Day, keeps the Wacko away...
that brings back memories
you weren't around at that time though
soz i was still laughing at my joke, its soo bad
Lone Ranger wakes his
faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn's in Leo. Time wise, it appears
to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident
the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Methodologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sahbee?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says, "Tonto, you dumb
a$$, it means someone has stolen our tent."
lol, i think ive heard that one, still funny though
I've heard that but it was sherlock holmes and watson
a guy walks into a bar and sees hi ex. he sits beside her and says 'i had sex with another woman last night and all i could think about was you'. the woman says 'thats sweet. you miss me that much?' the guy says 'nah....i just didnt wanna cum too fast'
A guy walks into a bar
he fall down in pain hehehe good ojne huh???
a rodney dangerfield joke
oo u should have met my wife she was the best wife u could ever had she gave great HEAD-ACHE
There are two sausages in a frying pan...one turns to the other and says, "Holy f*ck its hot in here!" The other says, "Holy f*ck a talking sausage!!
Haha (alot of people won't find this funny)
what r u talkin about i LMAO that was funny as hell i dont know why it just made me laugh alot for sum reason hahah L
lol cool jokes
"P.E.T.S" has been notified about your joke shadow
lol these are wuite funny.
Ive got one, a cheese sadiwch walks into a bar and asks for a pint of guiness the barman turned to him and said "Sorry we don't serve food." lol.
K Kruegers Twin
heheh, lol. i heard a similar one to that.
K Kruegers Twin
I got one!
A guy is walking down the street and sees a strange sight: 2 funeral caridges, a man walking a rotwiller, and 200 men in single file beind him.
The guys walks up to the man and says "whats going on"? The man says, "This dog mauled me wife nd mother-in-law to death. I'm on my way to the funeral." The guy gets an idea, "Hey, my wife is lying to me and cheating on me, can I borrow your dog?" The man says, "Get in line."
heheh... that was bad wasn't it? I got a better one but I cant post it, its to sexual.
The sausage one's kind of lame... but funny. I actually chuckeled today! "HACHACHKC" <my chuckle Try saying that, it's awesome.
I have another one...
An englishman and irishman and a scotsman are sitting on a train when they see a cow in a field. The enlishman says:"thats an english cow." the irishman says:"Thats an irish cow." the scotsman says:"thats a scottish cow, coz i can see its bagpipes." LOL
anymore krueger? the funeral one was funny.
I used to have millions (compliments of my grampa willie) but i cant remember half of them...
Oh wait ive got one my pal chris told me...
right a man was walking down the street when he sees a sh*t on the ground. he says to him self, "looks like sh*t, smells like sh*t, TASTES like sh*t, thank F**k I didnt stand on it." lol bad huh.
A chap goes to the doctor complaining that he's got a lettuce growing out of his arse.
"Ooooh, it doesn't luck good sir, no no no!", says the doctor.
"Why's that doc?", asks the man.
"Well sir, its the tip of the iceburg".
A piece of string walked into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman asks, "I'm sorry, are you a piece of string?"
The piece f string, who is a well brought up piece of strng, always tells the truth, says "yes" and is asked to leave.
He walks outside, ties himself in a knot and pulls his hair until it frays.
He walks back in, and is aske the same question. "No," he replies. "I'm a frayed knot."
((get it? a frayed knot = afraid not))
K Kruegers Twin
Anyone oriental don't get offended, I don't know any asian language so I'm just riting anything and saying its asian, just so you know.
A dude sees a asian hooker and picks her up. They go back to his place to have sex. While having she's shouting "Hekonomo!" over and over again. After the have sex she leaves. He thinks that hekonomo must mean something good.
The next day he's playing golf with his asian friend, he gets a hole in one and shouts "Hekonomo!!" His asian friend looks confused and says, "What do you mean you got it in the wrong hole?"
K Kruegers Twin
this is an over done and stupid one, any natural blondes, don't gey offended
2 blondes walk into a building think one of them would have seen it...
Q: What does Hannibal Lecter call Britney Spears?
A: Dinner at Hooters.
hope no one minds that i post redneck jokes!
you know you're a redneck when you are too drunk to fish.
you know you are a redneck when you think the last line to amercia's anthem is: gentlemen! start your engines!
you know you are a redneck when your date faints, you yell "hoe down!"
Redneck jokes own!!!
Why do dogs lick their balls?
because they can.
A Blonde Goes Ice Fishing
> A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. So, after getting all of
> "tools," she headed toward the nearest frozen body of water. After getting
> comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
> Then, seemingly, from the heavens a voice boomed:
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
> Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
> of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice
> boomed again:
> "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
> This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the
> Then she started another hole and once again the voice said:
> "THERE STILL ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
> The very scared blonde raised her head and said,
> "Oh my God...Is that you, Lord?"
> The voice answered,
> "NO... IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK..."
K Kruegers Twin
heh... dogs are funny
glad that my german shepard doesn't do that...when i'm around. ~lmao~
redneck joke: you know you're a redneck when you need your rich relative to drive the house.
why is 6 afraid of 7? cause 7,8,9
woo, im on a role tonight baby..
where did I here that??
prolly you're 7th birthday party
or Dexter's Lab
no I swear I just heard this like today..it wasnt in kill bill was it?
nope, but Silly Rabbit Trix are for kids was, i lovd that scene
haha reminds me of someone here doent you blue?
indeedy..bkk! nah, j/kin but you are a silly rabbit
what is the difference between a zit and a preist????
a zit waits till ur at least 13 years old before it comes on ur face
hahahahaha LMFAO when i heard this if u dont get it then ur dumb
okay thats very wrong
Thats pretty damn wrong. but unfortunately to some extent its true.
Crap now I feel bad for laughin'....but ya gotta admit it was funny, even if it was bad
It s quite funny
i find it disturbing
what worse then finding 8 dead babies in a trash can
finding one dead baby in eight trash cans
now that is wrong i think the preist joke was hillairous
-trys to rid bad visuals from her head-
well i am glad at least three people liked it
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon . . . and Micheal Jackson f*cks little kids.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Great one TH
most of my jokes r rasct jokes i jsut luv em i know i know but they r funny but ok here is a sick one
how do u fake a orgasim when ur gay
throw hot yogurt on ur partners back and maon
Okay, this one is really bad and I probably shouldn't post it. It's a joke people.
Well, here it goes . . .
What's the best part about having a seven year old girlfriend?
How big your cock looks in her little hands.
nothing like a good pedophile joke
I knew you'd be stalking waiting for the right moment.
loser. Where's RJ?
*backs away slowly* god...thats wrong
Hey, read the name of the thread. I was half right.
i know...it's scary...
especially coming from a 30 year old man
*hides little cousins from TH*
yah, id hide em if i was you
yeah, I think people are smart enough to know when I'm joking.
you guys are harsh. I try to tell a shocking joke with great shock value and you have to run me down. That's pretty low.
it has nothing to do with it being a joke...we can see that...
its just the nature of the joke
that joke was pretty low
there's shocking...and then there's unsettling
yah man, im not jsut plain bashing you, its just that the joke is soo wrong!
Good, I unsettled you. Don't read it if you don't like it.
Yeah, it's a bad joke. I couldn't resist.
Don't listen to em TH, that joke was gold. God bless you.
more like creeped me out
Thanks Backfire! That darth hater guy is out bo bash me any chance he gets. He's such a huge gaping b*tch.
Ok, Here's a horrible one....
Who's the best Jewish cook?
Bonus! I creeped you out too.
now that's funny
I love tasteless humor.
Darth Hater, why don't you tell a good tasteless joke?
What do Monica Luinske and a soda machine have in common?
They both say insert Bill
not really tasteless, but i like it
I've heard better, let's hear What's his faces joke now . . .
Where'd he go? He's probably looking up some joke on the internet.
sorry,i dont know any pedophile jokes
Do you know any jokes?
Come on man, why don't you contribute a good tasteless joke. It doesn't have to be a pediphile joke, come on? Tell one. You've got to know one?
Take your time . . .
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