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THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

Day One:

Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good.
Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.
Still not King.


Day Four:

Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.
Not King yet.

Day Six:
Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes!
Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.
Still not King.

Day Ten:

Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog.
Not King today either.

Day Eleven:
Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.

Legolas may be hotter than me.
I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Day 28:

Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.
Still not King.

Day 30:
In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.

Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad.
Took a shower. Yay!
But still not King.

Day 32:
Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.

Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

I think Legolas might be kinda gay.

Nope, not King.

Day 33:
Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good.

Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay.
Not so sure about Gimli either.
RIP Boromir.
Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss.

Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?

My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?

Not so sure about me either.

Still not King, goddammit.

I love the diaries
But the one of the One Ring is one of the best

lol

i like theodens

on gandalf " gandalf ruined glorious death scene today, retaliated by telling men he is wearing fishnets under those robes, first to snap the garter wins, who wields the flame of arnor now you poncey tosser"

exa post the 1 about the one ring please

could u post the site for them, do they have more now? i've read them all but i just want to add them to my favorites... lol

I love the diaries!!! My favorite LotR fanfiction. Does anybody know if there's a TT one?

yes they are some! i read them like 1 month ago, but sadly i don't know where i found it, just type in Very Secret Diaries in Google, and eventually u'll find them...hopefully...

"legolas may be kinda gay."

"sam will kill him if he tries anything"

have you read legolas's his by far the funniest!

hehehe go ringwraiths!

V. Secret Diary of Ringwraith No. 5

Day 1

Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty ring!

Day 1,000,967

Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per usual, Sauron ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I detest this life of vile servitude.

Still disembodied.

Day 1,001,056

V. bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v. annoying as Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg Nazg Gimbatul for a triple word score. Yeah, I didn?t think so.

Day 1,001,102

Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him applying ceremonial sparkly mascara. Suspect he will be v. happy when he has body back and can really dress up again.

Day 1,001,105
Yes, Sauron definitely gearing up for something. Have been given orders to sally forth and hunt down hobbit and close personal hobbit friend, who have somehow gotten hold of Ruling Ring.
Witch-King of Angmar?s suggestion to place pictures of Ruling Ring on milk cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored.

Day 1,001,106

Have been given brand spanking new horse.
Not for spanking, of course.
Go me!
On minus side, still disembodied.

Day 1,001,107

V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of giggles while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three ?companions.?

Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty lower lip, rather than possession of heroic-type fortitude.

Will catch up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in Bree. V. much looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up.

Day 1,001,109

Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs. Generations of pervy Hobbit-fanciers, of no use to anyone. Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped the Ringbearer. To combat disappointment at failure to achieve goals set by Sauron, spent all night boozing it up in Bree. Breelanders v. informative.
Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle stick)
Killed: 17 human men. Go us!

Day 1,001,115

Have been following Isildur?s heir and pack of Hobbits for six days.
Aragorn obviously into Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day 1,001,116

Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop. Aragorn went all wonky and possessive and set me on fire. And indeed, Sam did try to kill me although did not notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until later on.


Day 1,001,119

Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur?s Heir today. Was so busy laughing at concept of Aragorn the Hobbit Fancier having ?girlfriend? that inconveniently got washed away in stream.
Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling.
No, not that kind of oiling.
Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, aren?t you, what?

the best is sauron and elronds,

elrond marched last alliance against me, just cos i sed purple made him look like eggplant, which it does no need to get all prissy

elronds is halarious!

couls not invite arwen or she would see i hav stolen tiara

Can some1 plz post Legolas' if u hav it?


__________________________________________________
_________"Viggo used to call me 'elf boy', and I'd call him 'filthy human'. As an Elf, I never got a scratch on me, never got dirty. And Vig would come out with blood and sweat all over him. And he'd say to me, 'Oh, go manicure your nails." -- Orlando.

ok, just a sec

The Very Secret Diary of Legolas

Day One: Whee!

Day Two: I like to run!

Day Three: I look good when I run!

Day Four: I also look good standing still. Running across Riddermark v. good excercise. I swear my butt has just gotten firmer. Is that even possible?

Day Six: Is Gimli staring at my butt?

Day Seven: No wonder he's always lagging behind.

Day Eight: Unnerving moment when bumped into Eomer. Thought he might be prettier than me until he took off helmet. Fortunately he looks like an aardvark. He hit on Gimli but I warned him right off. Nobody tries it on with my dwarf.

Am still the prettiest.

Day Nine: Pile of dead and smoking Orc corpses so not pretty. Aragorn showed off and went on and on regarding hobbits laying about tied up. Do not know why he thinks kinky hobbit games so important.

Still prettiest.

Day Ten: Bother! Fangorn Forest. Leaf mold terrible for my complexion.

Still prettiest but a bit on clammy, unwashed side.

Day Eleven: Bumped into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, "Who do you have to blow to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?" Gandalf said, "The Balrog." So not worth it.

Am rethinking, though. Roots are showing.

Still prettiest although at this rate for how long?

Day Twelve: Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number. Gandalf said I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.

Note to self: never date Gandalf.

Day Fifteen: Arrived in Edoras. V. upset. Suspect Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as always thought shield-maidens were more hefty, pear-shaped types.

Not the prettiest! V. bitter.


Day Nineteen: Aragorn stood up to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.

Day Twenty: Poke bonnet absolutely hideous. No longer even remotely pretty. Considering suicide.

Day Twenty-seven: Exeunt Aragorn, pursued by wolves of Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly necklace. On pro side: No longer have to wear poke bonnet. Am pretty again!

Day Twenty-nine: Aragorn back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, "Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just put some lotion on it."

Aragorn just kind of a wanker, really.

Day Twenty-Nine: Battle of Helm's Deep so embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by Haldir showing up with really bad weave.

On plus side, Eowyn stuck in rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest forever.

Day Thirty Battle over. Gandalf always fashionably late it seems. Hopes for after-battle quickie dashed because Aragorn sulking over postcard from Faramir. Is jealous over Ringbearer. Told him Sam will kill Faramir if he tries anything but Aragorn not cheered up.

Sod him. Have received suggestive note from Eomer. Will go see if what they say about men of Riddermark is actually true.

No one has bothered to get Eowyn out of cave yet. Still the prettiest by far!

if you want to read the others thy're at http://www.livejournal.com/users/cassieclaire/

lol those are sooooooooooo damn funny.

Aragorn:
Stubble so manly , even turning self on.

Thanx Nazgulinthedark

the aragorn one is really good. it's a bit similar to bridgetjones' diary. from which site did you get it? is there anymore of similar kind?

LOL that is good, i have the site, read THEODENS

gandalf relesed me, ponce cannot stand anyone having their own image

The Very Secret Diary of Theoden
By: Cassandra Claire
Co-written with lorax523, who is, as always, in inspiration to me in all things.

-----

Day One

Desperately in need of new personal assistant. Have contacted Ninety Minute Minion Services in Isengard. Seems best bet as if minion does not arrive in ninety minutes you get free Orc. Do not actually know what would do with Orc if had one, so do hope minion arrives on time.

Day Two

New minion arrived. Not best looking bloke I've ever clapped eyes on, but then again, not everyone can be brainless pretty boy with big show-off ponytail like Eomer. Little does Eomer know Wormtongue has promised me new makeover with Saruman's personal line of beauty products. Has promised me I will look fresh and youthful.

Day Three

Is that a grey hair?

Day Four

New makeover gone horribly awry. Do not look fresh and youthful, instead resemble albino dwarf after two years pickling in the Dead Marshes.

Suspect Wormtongue has crush on Eowyn. Cannot blame him as Eowyn quite smoking. Don't know where she gets off being so high and mighty. Have told her - pose for Shield Maidens Gone Wild you must expect some male attention.

Day Six

Why has no one noticed I now resemble a weevil? Not has Eomer commented on my new mascara. Eomer so spoiled. "I want a party. I want a pony." Have banished him from Rohan for whining.

Day Seven

Have reversed opinion on makeover. Am now quite taken with new look, as is so alarming no one bothers me. Can sit on throne all day in peace. Much needed vacation. Citizens of Edoras so tiresome and unhygenic.

Day Eight

Vacation over. Gandalf arrived sporting alarming new makeover of his own. Gandalf no fun. Cannot abide anyone else having new and daring look. Prima Donna!

Brought along three boy toys of varying sizes. My squadron of hand picked bodyguards totally whupped by tiny hairy newt, pretty boy elf and unshaven tramp. Obviously, need better screening process.

Day Ten

Attacked by Orcs. Aragorn "No Skillz 2 Pay Da Billz" Son of Arathorn fell over cliff, thus avoiding sticking around for battle. So much for Hero King of Men.

Day Eleven

Have arrived at Helms Deep. Time for a nice long nap.

Day Eleven, Later

Nap disturbed by return of Aragorn, who is not so dead after all. Apparently, absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Morale of men not improved by Aragorn's craven attempts to sneak away through side door. Have misdirected him to wine cellar three times now. If I am not getting away from this, neither is he. Is all his fault anyway.

Am not sure how, but it is.

Day Thirteen

Where is the horse and the rider? No, seriously, where are they? That was my favorite horse.

Day Thirteen, Later

Losing battle spectacularly. Who is surprised? Not me.

Day Sixteen

Heroic self-sacrificing death scene ruined by arrival of Gandalf and still-insufferable Eomer. Why did Gandalf wait until dawn to arrive? Suspect is so he would be most attractively backlit while riding down hill. Drama Queen. Have gotten revenge on him by telling all my men Gandalf is wearing fishnets under white robe. First one who snaps his garter gets to snog Legolas.

Who wields the flame of Arnor now, you poncy tosser?

Nd this's Arwen's:

The Very Secret Diary of Arwen Undomiel

Day One

Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay pipe and a pair of breeches for Valentine?s Day when I specifically requested a nightie. Have sent him away from Rivendell.

Day Two

Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. So what if he wanted me to dress up in a curly wig and hop around on my knees during intimate moments? Am sure other humans have equally odd hangups. Wish I could be interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with Glorfindel back in Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have given up on my own kind.

Day Three

Someone?s been trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.

Day Six

Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What masculinity?

Day Eleven

Legolas still sulking. Says other elves making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident. Says they no longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when Daddy called him ?the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike? at last Council meeting. Or maybe he just didn?t understand it; he?s awfully pretty, but not so bright.

Day Thirteen

Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.

Day Fifteen

Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!

Day Seventeen

Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said, ?What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?? Told him he must be thinking of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, ?The ?Still Not King guy, right?? Did not respond; some people don?t deserve my conversation.


Day Eighteen

Have been following Aragorn for two days now. Have never really seen hobbits close up before. Suddenly business with curly wig and prosthetic feet starting to make sense. V. annoyed. Slow burn.

Day Twenty

Doesn?t he ever wash his hair when I?m not around?

Day Twenty-Four

Is official. Aragorn a complete pervy hobbit-fancier. Is obviously into little blue-eyed hobbit Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Twenty-Five

Cornered Sam while he was out looking for herbs. Explained to him exactly how was possible to kill human men instantly and silently using just a fork and a rubber band. Turned him around, gave him little push in Aragorn?s direction... alas no dice. ?But we need him to protect Frooodo, scary elf lady!?

Whingy little hobbit, I?ve no patience at all.

Day Twenty-Six

Finally decided to take care of Aragorn myself; was about to slit his cheating throat when was distracted by howling moans of Ringbearer. Decided to annoy Aragorn by hobbit-napping bite-sized hero and taking him for extended pony ride.

Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him.

Cannot believe am getting all swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: ?Aloof, unavailable elf princess. Aloof, unavailable elf princess.? Especially cannot believe am getting all swoony over greenish-looking, half-dead hobbit.

Day Twenty-Seven

Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious. Off to Rivendell.

Day Twenty-Nine

Well, really. Cannot even get near Ringbearer, as Sam is always there, plus caught Aragorn sneaking around in shrubbery by hobbits? quarters. Claimed he was looking for shard of Narsil he had misplaced.

Day Thirty

Hobbits such a bother. Kitchen staff fussing ? all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing ? all out of strawberry scented bath bubbles. Legolas fussing ? will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy. Asked me yesterday in haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his complexion. Told him of course not, he is so obviously an autumn.

Day Thirty-Two

Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty before Aragorn happened along. Accused him point-blank of hobbit-fancying. He told me that Isildur had been a pervy hobbit-fancier, and he was just trying to build his career in a similar fashion. Told him: ?You are Isildur?s heir, not Isildur himself.? To which he replied, "If only you were a bit shorter, and had bigger feet.?

Day Forty

Spent quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more hobbits for me, it is dwarves all the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by one last time to watch Sam give Frodo his bath. After all, I didn?t filch that bathroom key out of Aragorn?s pocket for nothing.

Hm the one of Theoden was new to me... *lol*

I like legolas diaries the best

Can u help me

http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/index.html

there you go people

Day One:

Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit.

Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous...rudeness.

Ooops.

Day Three:

Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

Day Four:

Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his...

Stupid Ring.

Day Four:

Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.

Ha Ha! Ha!

Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Six:

Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."

Blatant favoritism most annoying.

Day Ten:

Why isn't Aragorn into me ?

Day Eleven:

Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.

Kind of liked it, actually.

Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too...

In other news, Gandalf died.


_______________________
So funny... And Merry's and Saruman's with the carrot and the Horn of Gondor and Eyeball thing...

^Boromir's

LMAO, that is soooo raunchy... and very nasty... Gimili... ick... but i have to admit, Gimili and Arwe are perfect for each other

those were great!!!!!!!!!!

can some1 post gimli's?

Where is the horse and the rider? No, seriously, where are they? That was my favorite horse.



HA HA HA

^Gimli's