Darth Sauron
Was away all last week, was cruising around the med and basically terrorising europe, well not terrorising, i was nice to them. It was them who were bad to me.
Day One -Saturday-
Woke up at 3 in the morning, got up at ten past three. got dressed got showered (not in that order) waiting for parents to do the same.
Left for the airport.
Arrived at airport, bought Michael Moores 'Stupid White Men'
got on plane.
landed in Amsterdam
took off from Amsterdam airport to milan.
landed in milan airport
realised a luggage case was lost
worried
got bus to the port
saw the big ship
got on the big ship
went to cabin
went out
drank
drank
drank
found air hockey tables
won
Found house of the dead arcade game
lost
Drank some more
bed
Day Two -Naples-
Woke up to find ship had docked in naples , Italy.
left ship
was wearing shirt-shorts and just trainers because all my socks and other items of the sort (yes, underwear) were in the lost case.
got blister on first day
went on guided tour around the place
wondered what all the songs singing lovely thhings about santa lucia were about as the place wasnt good at all.
got off bus after an hour and a half buss ride around being told about all the poets and people who lived or had lived in this region and after listening to the tour women insult vesuvius.
wandered aimlessly around the place and realised that Italian police sirens sound so cheap and crap.
got on ship
no word on the lost case yet
went to pool
realised that the man who invented the bikini is the hero of every man
jumped into pool
realised pool was salt water...too late
got out of pool, too cold
got in jacuzzi, thats better
sat in jacuzzi while ship pulled away, waved bye bye to italy.
went to the boats gym
found sauna
realised 'why work to lose weight when i can sweat it out '
realised that didnt work
stayed in sauna anyway
had conversation with french family who said i was very polite for an englishman because i said hello because 'Back in france, when we say hello, they all greet us back, english, they dont...you did '
i pointed out to her that when in france or talking to the french in english, they dont answer. and when attempting to speak french, they mock your pathetic attempt at it.
She said thats only because we either look like we arent trying or we look like we are trying to hard (is this true)
left sauna
cold shower
vowed never to have cold shower again
walking over to indoor jacuzzi i slipped on wet floor
took a chunk of skin out of my foot
got in jacuzzi
got out again
back to room- get warm shower
get changed into jeans
get shaved
get into shirt
out
drink
air hockey champion
lost championship
watched the entertainment, which consisted of my uncle being humiliated
women said he had to pretend to be Mel Gibson....and he had to dance and 'seduce the ladies'
which is what he did
except the seducing part
Second challenge, to burst baloons in lots of positions
positions i wont mention (wasnt he aware many children and his wife were watching?)
saw sombody else english
struck up conversations
was invited up to disco on top deck with her and her friends
went
left again as music was crap and there were too many old people there
walked about top deck with them for quite a while talking about home and all sorts of things
back to disco
drink
back to room
read something
listen to something
sleep
Day Three - Sicily
We just left italy, why go to sicily now?
i dont know, but we did, it took 14 hours to conver that water, was the driver asleep or something?
anyway i decided to stay on boat today
parents and lil bro got off, but who needs em, eh?
found people from last night
swam
gymed (?)
table tennis, i failed at that one
hey, is that an internet cafe?
yes, it is an internet cafe!
used the internet cafe
KMC access denied, what are you playing at raz?
oh, its not him messing its something to do with these PCs
maybe if i use this one...
yes that works
ralised its 50 cents a minute on those things, that is steep prices you know, when your as slow as they are
left cafe
sunbathed
read
sunbathed some more
realised i was not getting a tan so i stopped wasting time just lying there
parents came back
holy hell its 5 pm!
time to go get chaged and go drink!
discovered how to play knuckles with a coin
i won, but my knuckle was bleeding
rest of night is not remembered, ending day
Day Four -Tunisia
Chris! the ship has stopped, wake up!
riiight, where are we?
TUnisia!
Tuni...sia?
yeah
why the hell are we here
well...its near europe
no it isnt, its in africa, why am i in africa, i dont want to be in africa, why tunisia of all places?
well i dont know, come on you might enjoy it
i wont
well try to
fine...
get off boat
was immedietly surrounded by 40 (no, im not exaggerating) taxi drivers all trying to get us to some city
why am i even here?
prices? well, as one of them put it 'furty eroh pur peepolllll'
Yeah, he dragged out the llllllll you know like the disney bad guys do?
well i figured if i get in this taxi i aint coming back
so i politely declined and wondered if we would survive
he demanded to know why not
well, forty euros per person is quite expensive considering there are 13 of us here (my whole family was here)
Fine, he says 'fife eroh pur peepolllll
well now what can i say, five is quite a good price
but im not paying five euro to be kidnapped
luckily another taxi service man came, one whos company works with the police, yes...i notivced the police, thank the lord, im safe!
wait...that only one policeman
shit
so the forty taxi drivers who look suspicious, in fact i think 'Ali Babas Taxi Service' would have summed up these forty theives
i didnt think they would pay any attention to this one slightly overweight police officer
this was when i noticed that the car park we were in...the cars had policemen in them
semi tinted windows and everything
now i started to wonder why so many police would be here if these forty people were nice and would give you a nice ride the moment you said 'open sessame'
Then the forty decided to argue with the five who were with the police
just as ithought, this cant get an worse
another taxi firm appears
it was here that this whole thing reminded me of the scene in Anchorman, with the rival news stations rioting, now as funny as that scene was, i dont want to be the guy with the trident through his heart
so as people were getting out of cars and forming this huge crowd and police were joining the rubble decided to get the hell away from this place, i pointed it out to the other twelve members of the family, who agreed.
we left...slowly
we got back on the boat because 'if thats what they are like out here, imagine in the city!'
I made them all apologise for making me apologising for abusing tunisa.
Back on boat i told my tale in the sauna, god i love that sauna, then as it concluded in the jacuzzi i sat back and relaxed, while watching rather absent mindedly the showers i noticed how many european stereotypes are in one way or another correct
Saurons shower stereotypes are as follows
The English- damn us dirty english, didnt even bother to shower before getting in jacuzzi, yeah thats right, we enjoy watching you sit i our dirty filthy water!
The Germans- The stereotype of the german being efficient is almost dead, but damn was it correct on this cruise, he stepped into the shower, wearing his speddos, plain black, just enough to conver up what needed. turned it on in one swift movement, ran his hands down his left leg once, they down his right leg once, then his torso, then got out. it was like clockwork...partly because he did his washing in clockwork order...but lets not get into that
The French- Efficient? no, not at all. he steps into the shower wearing his speedos, white with orange flowers on them, he messes with the speed of the water and the temp of it for about a minute, and begins producing soap from inside his speedos, now i dont know about you, but i cant fit soap down my speedos, hell i dont have speedos, i mean what grown man wears speedos, swimming shorts are the way to go, not poncey bikini bottoms for men.
right so anyway he is producing soap and clensing aids from his nether regions, and then comes towards the jacuzzi that im in
I get staright out
i dont know about you but he is covered in a lather from a soap that has been next to his....frogs leg?
so that was it wednesday was quite frankly the worst day ever.....*sigh* so far
it gets worse, i incite violence tomorrow
Day Five Valencia and Parma, not in that order, or maybe i nthat order, i dont know
but we are out of africa and scary men so its ok
we were only allowed 2 hours in parma
what is the point
it takes you half an hour to check my passport, good god!
i mean if we are coming to parma just get rid of tunisia, i dont want to be mugged, i want sun sea and sand
not the forty thieves
so i spent the worst two hours ever in parma
back on the boat
oh look, its valencia, shops!
yes, im a shoppaholic
well hello there, whats this
my god
its huge
its great
im going
a big book store
i run in
wow, a whole michael moore section
i go over, i finished 'stupid white men' so i wanted 'dude, wheres my country'
what?
these books are in every language apart from english
is this a joke?
you get english tourists every day, where are our books?
Manuel, i demand an explanation for this insult
Day One -Saturday-
Woke up at 3 in the morning, got up at ten past three. got dressed got showered (not in that order) waiting for parents to do the same.
Left for the airport.
Arrived at airport, bought Michael Moores 'Stupid White Men'
got on plane.
landed in Amsterdam
took off from Amsterdam airport to milan.
landed in milan airport
realised a luggage case was lost
worried
got bus to the port
saw the big ship
got on the big ship
went to cabin
went out
drank
drank
drank
found air hockey tables
won
Found house of the dead arcade game
lost
Drank some more
bed
Day Two -Naples-
Woke up to find ship had docked in naples , Italy.
left ship
was wearing shirt-shorts and just trainers because all my socks and other items of the sort (yes, underwear) were in the lost case.
got blister on first day
went on guided tour around the place
wondered what all the songs singing lovely thhings about santa lucia were about as the place wasnt good at all.
got off bus after an hour and a half buss ride around being told about all the poets and people who lived or had lived in this region and after listening to the tour women insult vesuvius.
wandered aimlessly around the place and realised that Italian police sirens sound so cheap and crap.
got on ship
no word on the lost case yet
went to pool
realised that the man who invented the bikini is the hero of every man
jumped into pool
realised pool was salt water...too late
got out of pool, too cold
got in jacuzzi, thats better
sat in jacuzzi while ship pulled away, waved bye bye to italy.
went to the boats gym
found sauna
realised 'why work to lose weight when i can sweat it out '
realised that didnt work
stayed in sauna anyway
had conversation with french family who said i was very polite for an englishman because i said hello because 'Back in france, when we say hello, they all greet us back, english, they dont...you did '
i pointed out to her that when in france or talking to the french in english, they dont answer. and when attempting to speak french, they mock your pathetic attempt at it.
She said thats only because we either look like we arent trying or we look like we are trying to hard (is this true)
left sauna
cold shower
vowed never to have cold shower again
walking over to indoor jacuzzi i slipped on wet floor
took a chunk of skin out of my foot
got in jacuzzi
got out again
back to room- get warm shower
get changed into jeans
get shaved
get into shirt
out
drink
air hockey champion
lost championship
watched the entertainment, which consisted of my uncle being humiliated
women said he had to pretend to be Mel Gibson....and he had to dance and 'seduce the ladies'
which is what he did
except the seducing part
Second challenge, to burst baloons in lots of positions
positions i wont mention (wasnt he aware many children and his wife were watching?)
saw sombody else english
struck up conversations
was invited up to disco on top deck with her and her friends
went
left again as music was crap and there were too many old people there
walked about top deck with them for quite a while talking about home and all sorts of things
back to disco
drink
back to room
read something
listen to something
sleep
Day Three - Sicily
We just left italy, why go to sicily now?
i dont know, but we did, it took 14 hours to conver that water, was the driver asleep or something?
anyway i decided to stay on boat today
parents and lil bro got off, but who needs em, eh?
found people from last night
swam
gymed (?)
table tennis, i failed at that one
hey, is that an internet cafe?
yes, it is an internet cafe!
used the internet cafe
KMC access denied, what are you playing at raz?
oh, its not him messing its something to do with these PCs
maybe if i use this one...
yes that works
ralised its 50 cents a minute on those things, that is steep prices you know, when your as slow as they are
left cafe
sunbathed
read
sunbathed some more
realised i was not getting a tan so i stopped wasting time just lying there
parents came back
holy hell its 5 pm!
time to go get chaged and go drink!
discovered how to play knuckles with a coin
i won, but my knuckle was bleeding
rest of night is not remembered, ending day
Day Four -Tunisia
Chris! the ship has stopped, wake up!
riiight, where are we?
TUnisia!
Tuni...sia?
yeah
why the hell are we here
well...its near europe
no it isnt, its in africa, why am i in africa, i dont want to be in africa, why tunisia of all places?
well i dont know, come on you might enjoy it
i wont
well try to
fine...
get off boat
was immedietly surrounded by 40 (no, im not exaggerating) taxi drivers all trying to get us to some city
why am i even here?
prices? well, as one of them put it 'furty eroh pur peepolllll'
Yeah, he dragged out the llllllll you know like the disney bad guys do?
well i figured if i get in this taxi i aint coming back
so i politely declined and wondered if we would survive
he demanded to know why not
well, forty euros per person is quite expensive considering there are 13 of us here (my whole family was here)
Fine, he says 'fife eroh pur peepolllll
well now what can i say, five is quite a good price
but im not paying five euro to be kidnapped
luckily another taxi service man came, one whos company works with the police, yes...i notivced the police, thank the lord, im safe!
wait...that only one policeman
shit
so the forty taxi drivers who look suspicious, in fact i think 'Ali Babas Taxi Service' would have summed up these forty theives
i didnt think they would pay any attention to this one slightly overweight police officer
this was when i noticed that the car park we were in...the cars had policemen in them
semi tinted windows and everything
now i started to wonder why so many police would be here if these forty people were nice and would give you a nice ride the moment you said 'open sessame'
Then the forty decided to argue with the five who were with the police
just as ithought, this cant get an worse
another taxi firm appears
it was here that this whole thing reminded me of the scene in Anchorman, with the rival news stations rioting, now as funny as that scene was, i dont want to be the guy with the trident through his heart
so as people were getting out of cars and forming this huge crowd and police were joining the rubble decided to get the hell away from this place, i pointed it out to the other twelve members of the family, who agreed.
we left...slowly
we got back on the boat because 'if thats what they are like out here, imagine in the city!'
I made them all apologise for making me apologising for abusing tunisa.
Back on boat i told my tale in the sauna, god i love that sauna, then as it concluded in the jacuzzi i sat back and relaxed, while watching rather absent mindedly the showers i noticed how many european stereotypes are in one way or another correct
Saurons shower stereotypes are as follows
The English- damn us dirty english, didnt even bother to shower before getting in jacuzzi, yeah thats right, we enjoy watching you sit i our dirty filthy water!
The Germans- The stereotype of the german being efficient is almost dead, but damn was it correct on this cruise, he stepped into the shower, wearing his speddos, plain black, just enough to conver up what needed. turned it on in one swift movement, ran his hands down his left leg once, they down his right leg once, then his torso, then got out. it was like clockwork...partly because he did his washing in clockwork order...but lets not get into that
The French- Efficient? no, not at all. he steps into the shower wearing his speedos, white with orange flowers on them, he messes with the speed of the water and the temp of it for about a minute, and begins producing soap from inside his speedos, now i dont know about you, but i cant fit soap down my speedos, hell i dont have speedos, i mean what grown man wears speedos, swimming shorts are the way to go, not poncey bikini bottoms for men.
right so anyway he is producing soap and clensing aids from his nether regions, and then comes towards the jacuzzi that im in
I get staright out
i dont know about you but he is covered in a lather from a soap that has been next to his....frogs leg?
so that was it wednesday was quite frankly the worst day ever.....*sigh* so far
it gets worse, i incite violence tomorrow
Day Five Valencia and Parma, not in that order, or maybe i nthat order, i dont know
but we are out of africa and scary men so its ok
we were only allowed 2 hours in parma
what is the point
it takes you half an hour to check my passport, good god!
i mean if we are coming to parma just get rid of tunisia, i dont want to be mugged, i want sun sea and sand
not the forty thieves
so i spent the worst two hours ever in parma
back on the boat
oh look, its valencia, shops!
yes, im a shoppaholic
well hello there, whats this
my god
its huge
its great
im going
a big book store
i run in
wow, a whole michael moore section
i go over, i finished 'stupid white men' so i wanted 'dude, wheres my country'
what?
these books are in every language apart from english
is this a joke?
you get english tourists every day, where are our books?
Manuel, i demand an explanation for this insult