~Hi my name is Josh and it's always been a dream of mine to make that one story or RPG that everyone loves and everyone gets into and cant wait for the next twist or dramatic conclusion.Well this is my first try and making that story and i'm gonna really try.So dish out any constructive critisism and any good things you may feel about the story~
Name-Alex
Age-15
The Rest will be explained
Alex awoke from a long and peaceful slumber at about 9:00am.He could already see he was late to school and didnt coudnt waste any more time laying in his bed.Alex lived on a peacful surburban neighborhood where every one knew everyone and there was always activities that united the neighbors in a fun and meaningful way.Josh got up from his bed and took a shower in his large bathroom connected to his room.He was so spoiled and he knew it.He had posters hung up in his bathroom of a naked Pamela Anderson and Scarlette Johanson.His friend told him it was an awful mix but he didnt care.He liked being reminded of them for some reason everytime he went into his bathroom.His parents never went into his bathroom so they never noticed the poster and even if they did they wouldnt have said anything and would've just let Alex have his freedom.He sat in his shower on his little shower chair and just tried to wake up as the hot water pelted against his cold skin.After about 10 minutes of this he got out and put on some cloths.Alex was a traditional younge prep who always wore that latest fashions and cloths.He put on a nice pair of jeans and a quicksilver t-shirt with a blue jack on.He put on his white nickes,combed his short brown hair and went downstairs.He walked into his kitchen and saw his mom making breakfast as usual.
Mom-Good morning sweetheart.
Alex-Hi mom.
Mom-How did you sleep?
Alex-I slept good actually.
Mom-You'd better with those two extra hours you put in.
Alex-Yeah,sorry about that.
Mom-Well dont worry about it but dont make it a habbit or else you'll be ground mister.
Alex-*chuckles* I wont mom.
Mom-Good,now eat your pancakes.
Alex-Where's dad?
Mom-Oh you know.Off in New York on business.
Alex-Whens he gonna be back?
Mom-I dont know honey.He was suppose to be back late last night but he called and said he had something come up.Last minute.You know how it is.
Alex-Yeah
I know how it is.I know all too well,Alex thought.
Alex glanced over at the counter between Pancake bites.He saw a small syringe fill about 1/4 of the way tucked away behind some towels.Drugs?Alex thought.Why?Could they be hers?He then glanced at his mom and saw her hand kind of shaking?She hasnt had her drugs today,Alex thought.She then wiped her ears and trembled some mroe.There was nothing Alex could do about it right now so he decided to just leave for school and let her get on with her business before she collasped.
Alex-By mom!
Alex grabed his backpack and leaped for the door.
Mom-But you didnt finish your panca......
Alex Slammed the door.
__________________ I'mdouche.
I'm in desperate need of some PSP assistance. Anyone thats VERY good with one please PM me. I have some questions.
That was the shittiest, most poorly written thing I've ever read you stupid ***. You ruined my day, and that of my family and everyone else I know. Fall over and die ball-licker. Don't disgrace me with a reply either.
P.S. Learn how to spell and use commas you ****in' piece of shit, faggity ball lappin' pussy.
/\/\ while he is harsh, he also has a point... its awful... no point did it interest me... and it seemed like the only lvling up you would do is over your dirty pics in the bathroom.... seriously give it up now...
No offence though, you need to learn how to use spell check and come up with something original. What you've got right now is a cross-between "Thirteen" and "Degrassi" and that's not a good thing. Also, stick with one style of writing. Right now you're hopping from "novel" style writing to some type of semi-"script" style i.e.
"Alex- Hi Mom."
Stick with one or the other. The dialogue is horrible. This Alex character is the most immoral, inconsiderate piece of shit in any story. I know that you're not supposed to have perfect characters in your stories so people can "relate" to them, but this kid is a queer. He thinks that he can wait to discuss his mother's addiction to drugs, even though he notices it looks like she's about to pass out. You need to come up with more entertaining dialogue. As a side note, if I haven't mentioned it yet, it's written horribly.
I have a style of writing and its is a cross between script and manuscript.Please dont bother telling me about the erros in grammar because i'm just trying to write a story right now.
Thanks Hit and Miss for that insight and no i'll keep trying.
Solo,piss off.
__________________ I'mdouche.
I'm in desperate need of some PSP assistance. Anyone thats VERY good with one please PM me. I have some questions.
After Alex closed the door he rushed outside to his bicycle.That was one of the weirdest things he'd ever seen.His mom actually doing drugs?How could that be?He tried to keep telling himself it wasnt hers and that maybe for some odd reason it could've been all a misunderstanding.He ran outside to his bike already knowing he was about an hour late too school.He didnt see the penguin lawn ornament that laid before him ON THE SIDEWALK though and he tripped sending him and his backpack flying.He landed about a foot from the ornament and laid there suprise about how far he actually flew over a simple trip.
Alex-"Damn ugly ornament!WHY THE HELL IS IT EVEN HERE!?!?",he yelled out of fustration."Its a penguin, AND IT'S SPRING!",he yelled."MOM!"
*a few second go by*
Alex-MOM!Where the hell is she?!
*He got up and started walking back to the house*
*He walked back up his driveway with frustration and rage.He already had a scrap from the penguins beak that his leg landed on when he fell.He opened the door.*
Alex-Mom!Why the hell is there a lawnornament on the drivewa.....
*He walked in to find his mom on the ground leaning against the kitchen cabnets.He saw her injecting herself with a syringe.From what he could see there was no more of whatever was in there in the syringe.She sat there dazed and out of it.She didnt even move when he came in.*
Alex-MOM,WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
__________________ I'mdouche.
I'm in desperate need of some PSP assistance. Anyone thats VERY good with one please PM me. I have some questions.
Sorry.First i'm trying to get people interested then slow things down again once I have peoples attention.Sorry if it's a bit rushed but I tried slowly introducing the drug story and you guys complained :/
__________________ I'mdouche.
I'm in desperate need of some PSP assistance. Anyone thats VERY good with one please PM me. I have some questions.
~Ok here's another draft.Hope you like this one more than the last.I got it done much faster than I expected~
Alex walked down the hall of his private prep school.He saw the jocks hanging out with more jocks and the popular girls hanging out with more popular girls.It disgusted him.A bunch of rich preps who think they're better than everyone because they can cheer or throw a 100 yard pass to score a touchdown.Alex had been a part of this lifestyle all his life but he had never evolved into what other's expected from him.Sure he was good-looking,athletic,and could get almost any girl that he wanted,but did that really mean anything?Did being the most popular guy in school with a truckload of friends make you feel anymore better than being unpopular but having the best two or three best friends you knew would always be there for you?Alex wondered this as he walked to Geometry.Did all the partying,all the good times really mean anything if when you graduated you'd most likely never see those friends or keep in contact with them again?Alex didnt want to be like one of those people who partied all through highschool but never got an education so they ended up pumping gas at a quickstop never making it out of their small suburban town.There was one person that Alex knew would always be there for him and that was Alexis and she was waiting for him in geometry having already saved a seat for him.
"Hey Alex!"
"Hey" Alex replied back after slumping down in his chair.He could already see Ms Groggy getting ready for another hour long geometry lesson.
"You do your homework?",asked Alexis.
"Uh..yeah"
"Can I copy it?" Alexis asked trying not to say it too loud in front of the teacher.
"Sure le'me get it."Alex reached into his backpack and tried to look for his geometry notebook."I-I-uh cant find it",Alex said as he shuffled through his backpack.
"Maybe you left it in your locker"
"Yeah that must be it.I'll be right back"Alex said as he rushed out the class trying to make in their and back before the bell rang.He got to his locker and and unlocked it with a key he kept on his key ring.He opened the locker up to find a small note."What the..".The note had small hearts drawn on it and smelled like perfume.He opened it up and read what it said.
"Dear Alex Bannecker,I saw you at the Jr.Varsity basketball game last night.You where so....cute and the way made game point on the final two seconds was just so-so-hot!Well anyways I just wanted to tell you that and I wanted to give you this."
Jack read a number that had been written out in hot pink.
"Call me"
The Letter ended.Who could that be?,alex wondered to himself.It didnt have a name,it didnt have an adress.All it had was a simple seven digit phone number.Why would anyone be flirting with him?It was pretty know around the school that him and Alexis where going pretty steady.Who would want to get in between that?He stopped dwelling on the thought when he spotted hos geometry book.He slipped the number into his pocket.He would call it when the time was right and tell whoever it was too leave him alone.He grabbed his geometry book and rushed back to class.
__________________ I'mdouche.
I'm in desperate need of some PSP assistance. Anyone thats VERY good with one please PM me. I have some questions.
P.S. You want me to piss off, into your mouth, because you're a *** like that you stupid ass ball-licker. Your story is not getting any better and is just you wallowing in your shitty ****in' pussy ass self. **** you, and no you can't suck my balls anytime soon so stop asking.
Gee if your post can get stupider than your previous ones then pigs could probaly fly as well.Please leave my thread.Your really getting annoying but I guess you like being an ass dont you?
You act like a little kid who just learned how to swear
__________________ I'mdouche.
I'm in desperate need of some PSP assistance. Anyone thats VERY good with one please PM me. I have some questions.
Last edited by Cringe on Oct 12th, 2005 at 02:30 AM
-Rushed and difficult to comprehend.
-You keep switching between present and past tenses. Pick one and stick with it.
-Spelling and grammar are bad.
-Paragraph structuring is dismal.
Alex got back to class and saw the Ms Groggy already beginning the Math lesson.He walked in and started walking up the steps to his seat on the 5th row.
"Uh Mr Bannecker.Why are you late? she asked,apparently trying to put him on the spot so he could be embarrased.She loved doing this.Making kids miserable at the worst times was her specialty.Fortunately enough,Alex was a pretty popular kid and nobody would mess with him for being made out to be a fool.
"I-uh-forgot my book in my locker.I ran back to get it before class but I geuss I didnt make it back in time" Alex said trying to get a joke out of the class.The classed chuckled so Alex's nerves where somewhat calmed.
"I that sarcasm I sense from you Mr Bannecker?" Ms Groggy asked angrily.
Alex straigtened himself up.Being careful with his words so he didnt get sent to the principals office.The school dance was Friday and he didnt feel like being grounded."No Ma'm"
The class looked dissapointed when he said this.Mostly because he didnt crack a joke and that made him look soft and "uncool" according to his friends.
"You may sit down then Mr Bannecker." She then turned her back,writing something on the chalkboard,and Alex, wanting to keep his rep up,started making faces at her.The class started chuckling and Alex quickly turned around and started walking towards his seat as Ms Groggy tried to see why the class was laughing.
Alex took his seat by Michelle and took out his Geometry book."What took you so long" asked Michelle,whispering so she wouldnt get caught by Ms Groggy."Getting my book" Alex said,trying to sound annoyed by the should be obvious question."Your locker is just around the corner.It took five minutes to get a book?" Michelle asked,now seeming angry."Are you interrogating me?!"Alex said almost letting his voice get ahead of him but he managed to keep in control and continue whispering."No,I just wanted to know" Michelle said,now being sincere."I just went to get a book.Ok?" Alex said."Ok" Michelle said seeming hurt as she went back to work.
Alex didnt like lying to Michelle.She was his best friend and his girlfriend.But until he knew who sent him the letter he couldnt be honest with her yet.Michelle although sweet and funny,did have a jealous side that came out when Alex talked to other girls.He didnt want to get her all worked up for nothing so he kept quiet for now.He sat there not paying attention to Ms Groggy but just looking at Michelle as she worked.She was so beautiful for her age.She was about 5'9 with long brown hair , a really bright and round face with light hazel eyes and cute little dimples that you could see when she smiled.No wonder she was so popular,Alex thought.She was nice,sweet, and incredibly beautiful.Alex was lucky to in a relationship with her which made him hate not telling the truth more.
__________________ I'mdouche.
I'm in desperate need of some PSP assistance. Anyone thats VERY good with one please PM me. I have some questions.
Last edited by Cringe on Oct 14th, 2005 at 05:21 AM
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Oct 10th, 2005 07:22 AM
By Barker
