It all begins in St. Hubert, Canada, within the brick walls of André-Laurendeau High School. There are three nerds in Secondary 5 that welcomes a new student in the I.E.P. Sec. 5 locker hall on November 16, 2006.
Yvan: What is your name?
???: Janick.
Yvan: Here's Mike and Jean-Philippe. What are your specialities, guys?
Mike and Jean-Philippe: Video games.
Janick: What special activities do you do?
Mike: I run a website called the Protoss Federation, about all those Protoss things in StarCraft.
Jean-Philippe: I mostly play MMORPGs.
Janick: I am the CEO of Crazy Clown Airlines Virtual, a virtual airline "flying" all the flights in the Simpsons cartoon with an all-Airbus fleet. A333/343/346, we have all the most modern Airbus stuff.
Jean-Philippe: I will give you copies of the key CDs in my collection.
Janick: Agreed.
Yvan: I am a member of the Jedi Council. But, Janick, I am in love with your bayonet style.
Janick: Bayonet style? Oh, you refer to how I play the flute? I fix the bayonet to an end of the flute whenever its fixation is harmless to me and those around me.
Yvan: You were the Order's vice-champion until the day that you chose the Physics/Chemistry combo.
Yvan and Janick get to talk later that day...
Yvan: You truly are an aviation expert! Please tell me what is the difference between an A343 and an A346, since the CCAV fleet has both.
Janick: A340-300s have shorter fuselages and wings, as well as smaller engines, than the A340-600's. The day the A380 will be in service, we will include it.
Yvan: I have no idea as to what are your main "bases of operation".
Janick: The Springfield International Airport used in the Simpsons (fictional ICAO code: KSPR), Chicago-O'Hare (KORD) and Beijing-Capital (ZBAA). One can choose to be based in Springfield, Chicago or Beijing (the Asian hub). A fourth hub will be open in Paris-Orly (LFPO) for European operations.
Yvan thinks of the episode where Homer becomes a "pilot" because he was banned from Moe's Tavern. He captained an A340-600 from KSPR to KORD (but he crashed the A340-600 on the taxiway by raising the landing gears). His thoughts are also with the CCAV Virtual "pilots", especially the poor A340-500 pilot who fly from KSPR to Bangalore-HAL (VOBG), non-stop. But this is of no importance the day after.
Jean-Philippe: I have an extraordinary assignment for you all!
Janick: Settle down, what kind of "extraordinary assignment" it is?
Jean-Philippe: I have received reports that there is a rogue player that kills players for sport, even the highest-level. Blizzard executives will grant the one(s) who can defeat him a substantial reward.
Janick: This means that I will have to stow away my management of DR/DRL (the fictional IATA/ICAO codes of Crazy Clown Airlines) Virtual to one who is a fan of both the Simpsons and Airbus in order to accept that extraordinary assignment.
Jean-Philippe: I have to give you the World of Warcraft CDs early if you accept to help me in that assignment.
Before I write down what I did for Chapter 2, the connection to South Park is a plot-based one.
Chapter 2:
Later this day, an emergency reunion was held over the Web, where an experienced "pilot" for Crazy Clown Airlines Virtual, whose callsign is VCCA1047, contacts the "ATC", which is none other than Janick herself.
Flight DRL422: Control tower, this is flight Drill (the Crazy Clown Airlines callsign, according to ICAO standards) 422 heavy. Requesting permission to land.
Janick: Permission to land on runway 6R granted.
Flight DRL422: Acknowledged landing permission.
Janick: Mayday! Mayday! I am so sick that I have to leave my position from my Crazy Clown Airlines office. Until I recover, VCCA1047, you have full control over Crazy Clown Airlines Virtual. Please don't do anything stupid that would ruin CCAV, such as adding Boeings in the fleet. Please stick to the Airbus stuff and don't add or remove flights from the schedule without sending your suggestions to the Management Board.
She pictures the A340-600 from London-Heathrow landing in Springfield International when Jean-Philippe logs on to the game and his character is about to be killed.
Jean-Philippe's voice: I had no idea as to why he would attack me without dueling me first!
The rogue character, wearing black armor from tip to toe, and wielding a sword of terrible might. Jean-Philippe's character dies and his owner decides to call the technical support.
Squeaky-voiced teen: World of Warcraft support. How can I help you?
Jean-Philippe: My character was killed by another player that hadn't challenged mine to a duel!
Squeaky-voiced teen: That player has broken the rules.
The squeaky-voiced teen reports to the Blizzard executives the strange situation that has befallen Jean-Philippe.
Squeaky-voiced teen: I have extra strange news to report: several players have been killed by a rogue player!
Executive 1: Face it, we have to face someone that played almost nonstop for more than a year. If only we could locate the player, we could remove him/her from our servers. And ban that player.
Executive 2: If nothing can be done in the shortest delays, it may mean the end of the world... of Warcraft.
Executive 3: My children are playing World of Warcraft right now! Are they going to... death?
Janick realizes that giving VCCA1047 control of Virtual Crazy Clown Airlines may be disastrous for the virtual airline. She envisions the airline adding Boeings in its fleet, like 737-900s or 747-400ERs, under VCCA1047's leadership. In the meantime, Jean-Philippe summons more than just the other three nerds, he also called the other World of Warcraft players that were in his vicinity.
Jean-Philippe: Do you all have World of Warcraft?
There is one who does not raise his hand: the one known to Janick only as VCCA1047.
VCCA1047: No.
Jean-Philippe: You must install World of Warcraft and be able to play within two hours. You are to log in within two hours. At 19 o'clock, you will rendezvous in the easternmost Defias Camp near Stormwind. When he is in range, all warriors on Defensive Stance. Janick, cast Arcane Intellect. The battle is sure to be long, but... to victory!
VCCA1047 doesn't get any trouble getting all the stuff required to go to World of Warcraft. Which means that if the mission fails, he will get back at managing Virtual Crazy Clown Airlines. Yvan logs in and sees all the people grouped in the Defias camp.
Jean-Philippe's voice: To battle!
The thirteen people rush in at the first sight of the "Black Knight". Janick's character charged her fire spell, only to have it vanished in her hand. Her chair is out of control, so she fell. Once she regained balance, the Black Knight already began rushing towards the team.
VCCA1047: Crazy Clown 1047 down.
Mike: Mike down.
While at the rogue player's office, the player watches his character kill everything in its path.
Yvan: Yvan down.
Janick: Janick down.
Jean-Philippe: Break off the attack!
Black Knight: Is that all there is? No challenge... no resistance?
_____________________________
Chapter 4:
An intense questioning period follows about the strategy to employ to defeat the Black Knight, who terrorize the game and does not respect the rules of PvP combat.
Jean-Philippe: How come you don't play World of Warcraft anymore?
Janick: I do not want to get killed! I can't even complete quests! He's super-high level!
Jean-Philippe: Perhaps we can become super-high level too!
Yvan: Perhaps by killing low-level boars in the forest...
Mike: Even if they give only two experience points apiece? How many of them do we have to kill?
Yvan: Let's say that we have to do so until Lv.15. That would make 39,200 low-level boars each to kill. My best estimate is that if we slay 1 low-level boar each, per second, that stage would only take 10 hours, 53 minutes and 20 seconds.
Janick: What about the other stages of leveling up? Surely we can kill Brawlers... let's say that we can get twenty-five points each from that onwards Lv.30. Again, if we can kill them once in ten seconds by then, it would take, let's say, 46 hours and 44 minutes. This totals 57 hours, 37 minutes and 20 seconds.
Yvan: The Lv.30-45 stage of grinding is coming up. If we could kill ferocious yetis, worth 50 experience points apiece, every 10 seconds as well, it would take us 116 hours, 34 minutes and 40 seconds. At that stage, it would total 174 hours and 12 minutes.
Jean-Philippe: At the final stage, we can slay Atal'ai Skeletons, for 100 experience points apiece. 30 seconds each, we would require 211 hours, 22 minutes and 30 seconds, for a whopping total of 385 hours, 34 minutes and 30 seconds. If we played eight hours a day, in seven weeks we will be ready to face the Black Knight again.
The days pass by and the fellowship made an oath that they will use every occasion they have to succeed to play eight hours a day. Of course, they wouldn't play 20 hours a day, but they most often gather at Janick's house since it is there whose curfews are the latest.
Janick: Time to start!
The screen displays the progress of the players. In the first two days, they are already at something around lv.18-19.
VCCA1047 was also near where the Blizzard Entertainment headquarters are. She received an offer from their executives to pilot the corporate jet, a CRJ-701ER.
Executive 3: We have an emergency. We need a pilot to man the corporate jet so that we can carry out an emergency assignment. We didn't find any that had a clue as to where St. Hubert, Quebec is.
VCCA1047: Do you mean that the best you could find was a pilot that would fly to Montreal-Trudeau or Montreal-Mirabel?
Executive 1: Yes, I am afraid that is so. But if you could actually fly to St. Hubert, would you accept to pilot our corporate jet?
VCCA1047: Certainly. Though I only flew with flight simulators before.
Executive 2: We can pay you $US2,000 to make it fly with us onboard.
VCCA1047: I am more used to Airbus cockpits, but looks that I have no choice. Besides, I flew a CRJ-701ER with United Airlines Virtual before I found Crazy Clown Airlines Virtual, once.
Executive 6: Is that a yes?
Executive 5: Get in the cockpit!
Executives 1 through 6 get on the plane, which takes off for St. Hubert. As for the Fellowship's quest...
Janick: We gain experience twice as fast as we should have at times. All of which may cut a couple of days off our schedule.
Mike: How many?
Janick: Let's say that if we play 8 hours a day, we will get two "rest bubbles" a day. If we use them both every day, then we can expect to fight the Black Knight at least a week earlier than we expected to.
_________________________________
Chapter 7:
The Blizzard corporate jet approaches St. Hubert Airport (ICAO code: CYHU) without anyone noticing but the most desperate World of Warcraft players.
VCCA1047: We refueled in St. Louis. Be glad that I didn't crash the CRJ701ER!
Desperate World of Warcraft player: What do you promise to do?
Executive 4: At least, if we can entrust that weapon to your care, please transmi it to any of these four players on that sheet of paper.
Jean-Philippe's father: Please, give me the sword.
Executive 3: We can't entrust the Sacred Sword to a noob!
Back to Janick's house, where the players entrench every day after the fateful day where they undertook this extraordinary assignment.
Janick's mother: I'm happy you could stay as attractive as the day you began that quest for the Ultimate Answer.
We can see Janick herself wake up painfully (a result of several weeks of playing WoW eight hours a day).
Janick: Ouch! What happened?
Janick's mother: Don't worry about it. The final exams are approaching. I have trust in you and your telepathic powers.
Janick: No need to repeat this whenever I am in trouble about time management! I am a S-ranked telepathic broadcaster, which is the highest rank attainable for one who mass-communicate in order to cheat mind-to-mind.
Janick passes in private channel mode and communicates with Yvan, using her psychic power.
Yvan: I know, S-ranked broadcasters are the ultimate cheaters on Earth. I, too, am of that rank. There are 15 of them in the world: three in Canada, two in the U.S., one in Japan, one in China, one in India, one in Thailand and the other six are scattered among the European Union.
Janick: I know that such broadcasters are very smart people with tremendous (but imperfect) memories. This way, they can slip themselves into their respective schools undetected.
Back to the airport, wherer another overweight, acne-ridden, crazed WoW player joins the fray.
Crazed WoW player: I took a two-hour flight from Chicago in order to meet the ones with the solutions, and all of what you're telling me is that you hope that they don't start the battle before you can reach them?
VCCA1047: I understand what you feel, as I, too, flew a long-distance flight in order to reach my destination.
Back to Janick's house, where both parents are gone to work.
Jean-Philippe: All right, the moment of fate is here. It is time to start our final battle.
The Black Knight approaches, with the real Sword of a Thousand Truths (88 damage per second, +8 hit rating, +14 Critical Hit, +7 resilience) at hand. Anyway, the Blizzard Executives came in two cars at Janick's house.
Executive 2: Where is DwarvedOutEbony?
Janick's brother: I have no idea as to what you're talking about.
Executive 2: Where is he?
Janick's brother: I have no idea still.
Executive 1: We don't have time! Unless your sister have this sword, her character is going to death!
Janick's brother: Oh my goodness!
Janick's brother goes straight to his room, where he flies all the flights his sister usually fly. As in KORD-CYHU (the only airline, real or virtual, to actually fly to St. Hubert, since CYHU's traffic is mostly for general aviation).
Jean-Philippe: What if we run out of food?
Janick: I have that on standby.
Yvan: That's über-cool. Everyone is ready?
Mike and Janick both say yes at the same time.
Jean-Philippe: Let's go get him!
A few seconds into the battle (at a point it can be cancelled safely, actually)...
Mike: I think I can see the Black Knight.
Jean-Philippe: Stand ready to activate Sureshot Aura whenever he enters your firing range.
Janick: He targeted us...
_________________________
Chapter 9:
That acne-ridden, crazed WoW player stood there, feeling powerless to change anything, until an E170LR from Shuttle America rerouted from CYUL (Montreal-Trudeau) to CYHU, from KORD, full of panicked WoW players, one of them even accepting to tape the foursome's fight.
Crazed WoW player 2: If you accept to attend the taping of the ultimate battle who decides of the fate of the World of Warcraft world, I'd give you free transportation to go home afterwards.
Crazed WoW player 1: How long do you stay in Montreal?
Crazed WoW player 2: A couple of days, at least. We were rerouted in St. Hubert since Montreal-Trudeau was so busy with all these commercial jets, at least to my knowledge.
The crazed World of Warcraft players even organize a shuttle service which goes to Janick's house to see how the foursome is doing. Her brother takes care of everything, from the collection of the money charged to actually see the battle of their WoW lives to the TV-to-computer cable.
Crazed WoW player 1: How far did you come from?
WoW fanboy 1: How far do you assume I came from?
Crazed WoW player 2: Los Angeles?
WoW fanboy 2: That's where I come from.
WoW fanboy 1 (subtitled): I came all the way from Thailand just to support the Alliance guys against the Black Knight, which is an Orc.
Meanwhile, in Arizona, the house of the rogue player must refuse people as well, all of which support Horde characters or play one.
WoW fanboy 3: I bet 2,900 Indian rupees on the Black Knight.
Crazed WoW player 3: I bet 300 Israeli shekels on the Alliance guys.
The Blizzard executives come back seventeen hours into the fight, started at 8:00 AM on December 9.
It's more a remake than a parody. I changed everything except for parts of the plotline (based on the episode Make Love, not Warcraft).
Anyway, Chapter 10 will begin in earnest.
Executive 1: We're looking for a great knight, Valter314159.
Janick's brother: That's Yvan's name in World of Warcraft.
Executive 2: Where is he?
Janick's brother: Why?
Executive 1: Sir, we don't have time!
Janick tries to cast an Arcane Missile, but her ordnance is cut short by the pain she feels in her hand.
Mike: We got to use some Bengay!
He pulls out the Bengay from the drawer. Yvan carries on the fight alone for a time.
Jean-Philippe: It takes forever to get a good toilet because I have diarrhea!
Janick: If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time.
Jean-Philippe: Please bring me a potty because I have diarrhea!
Janick's brother: Finally some action here!
Janick's brother gets splashed by Jean-Philippe's diarrhea and goes immediately to wash his hands as well as his face. Meanwhile, outside of the house...
Crazed WoW player 2: Do you have accounts?
Executive 1: No. Still, it's an emergency!
Executive 2 pulls the driver out of the car and heads for the nearest Future Shop, in St. Bruno.
Executive 3: Where is the World of Warcraft computer?
Jean-Philippe’s father: Looks like that we have no choice. Give me the sword.
The crazed WoW player 2 gets to install the World of Warcraft discs on another computer…
Future Shop worker: Nooooo!
The Future Shop worker expels the crazed WoW player 2 out of the store. However, Jean-Philippe’s father hustles to get to his son.
Jean-Philippe’s father: Got to sign in… Character name… Right a minute!
Back to the basement, where the team fought for hours in a row.
Jean-Philippe: I’m almost dead… Janick, cast Arcane Missile!
Janick: I am out of mana, I told you. Until I can recover, I have to fight with my lance.
Mike:I got to heal!
Jean-Philippe father’s character runs towards Jean-Philippe’s character.
Voice of Jean-Philippe’s father: John! John!
Jean-Philippe: Dad! Not now !
Voice of Jean-Philippe’s father: I was sent here to bring you this! This sword can completely drain his mana.
Jean-Philippe’s father draws the holy sword that was sent by the Blizzard executives to save the world. 120 damage per second, instant mana burn, +10 Resilience and Stamina ratings.
Jean-Philippe: How did you get that?
Voice of Jean-Philippe’s father: There is no time to explain. Just take it!… How do you hand something from one player to another?
Yvan’s character gets close to that of the father of Jean-Philippe’s, since Jean-Philippe’s character has zero sword proficiency.
Yvan: Bring it in the Inventory screen, then Control – I.
The Black Knight kills the character of Jean-Philippe’s father, whose painful screams can be heard on every screen where the fight can be seen.
Jean-Philippe: Dad! No ! He killed my father.
Yvan strikes twice with Ragnell (oh, yes, it’s the sacred sword that the Blizzard executives kept hidden for dire situations) and the Black Knight screams with pain as his HP goes further towards zero.
Janick: His armor and shields are down!
Mike fires two arrows at him, using the Gorewood Bow traded to him by a character nearing death and Janick stabs the enemy with her Wishblade (an Epic lance; wieldable by Mages, Warriors and Paladins) and the Black Knight falls on the ground, with near-zero HP.
Jean-Philippe: Looks you’re about to be pawned!
His hammer at the ready, DwarvedOutEbony smashes the Black Knight’s helmet off as well as his head. But in the Black Knight’s portrayer’s house…
WoW fanboy 4: I lost a fortune on that fight!
The ex-rogue player turns to that particular fanboy.
????: As I lost, I have to respect my end of the deal. My real identity is Robert.
Janick throws her knightly armor off. It doesn’t make sense, but her experience with modifying an A340-500 used to fit the requirements of a non-stop world tour from and to KSPR garnered her precious experience that served to hack a character’s armor and weapons.
Jean-Philippe: Dad!
Jean-Philippe’s father : I never was able to say this before, but.. I love you, son.
Jean-Philippe: I know you do, dad.
Back to the Future Shop where three Blizzard executives are entrenched along with their “courier”.
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Nov 21st, 2006 01:03 AM
