A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsoir replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous, on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the glass of water. If I get nervous I take a sip."
So next sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the begining of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was concecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son and The Holy Spirit shall not be referred to as Daddy, Junior and The Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T".
11. When jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said: "Take this and eat it for it is my body". He did not say :"Eat me".
12. The virgin mary shall not be referred to as: "Mary With The Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grub, yeah god.
14. Next Sunday there will be a Taffy Pulling Contest at St.Peters, not a Peter Pulling Contest at St.Taffy's.
I think this was posted here like 2 years ago. It was one of the posts that helped make me decide to join. However, after 2 years its definitely justified to be posted again.
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KMC Community Forums
Nov 20th, 2005 02:52 AM
