The following shows how much of a badass Chuck Norris is:
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
--
__________________
Greg Oden: The future of the Blazers. The future of the NBA.
All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I **** like you wanna ****, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.
Correction, Jet Li is no Chuck Norris. Norris is the only person who can do they same round house to everybody and have it get funnier and funnier everytime.
__________________
Greg Oden: The future of the Blazers. The future of the NBA.
1. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
2. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but
Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
4. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
5. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought
a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the
good Chuck, he taketh away.
6. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
7. There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who
have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.
8. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
9. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
10. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
11. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "****ing."
12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
14. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and
Chuck Norris.
15. In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean
to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to
him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J.
Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.
16. Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and
meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and
Tequila.
17. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only
time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the
Holocaust.
18. Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left,
right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.
19. Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.
20. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.
21. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,
and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
22. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection.
There were no survivors.
23. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris
could use to kill you, including the room itself.
24. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
25. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game
of tennis.
26. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's
Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was
the third girl he had slept with.
27. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
28. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
29. Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up
with lactose's shit.
30. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
31. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's
pushing the Earth down.
32. Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples.
He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke
out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.
33. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
34. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
35. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
36. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
37. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
38. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone
within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
39. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
40. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
41. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
42. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent
the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
43. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
44. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
45. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought
a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away.
46. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
47. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
48. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only
thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
49. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
50. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply
beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the
game forfeited.
51. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
52. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one
outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
53. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
54. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic
bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
His reasoning? It was more "humane".
55. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
56. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but
was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied,
"That's no glitch."
57. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
58. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came
with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he
gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
59. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is
"his" way.
60. Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is
actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the
face that day.
All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I **** like you wanna ****, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not.
KMC Community Forums
Nov 16th, 2005 09:27 AM
60 facts about Chuck Norris
