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Ratcat
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
To Women Everywhere From Men Who Have Had Enough
Learn to use the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us moaning about you leaving it down.
If we ask what's wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Yes, No and Hmmmm are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons blokes fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
(Really, really listen to this one) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as belly button fluff, the offside rule or fast cars.
Weekend = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 3 years is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 3 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach is a fruit, not a colour.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
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Dec 5th, 2000 08:28 PM |
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Ratcat
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
Came through from my manager at work.
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Dec 5th, 2000 09:34 PM |
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Dim
Creativity
 Gender: Unspecified
Location: Southern California |
Oh man....I have SO much to say...and I'm on my stinking lunch break!
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Dec 6th, 2000 12:40 AM |
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Ratcat
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: |
You're actually at work? Woohoooo
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Dec 6th, 2000 01:43 AM |
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queeq
Chaos
 Gender: Unspecified
Location: JP's bed |
RC, you have made my day. That was very funny and what's more...very true. *sticks out tongue to Dim*
queeq out
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Dec 6th, 2000 02:36 AM |
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Darth Daft
Senior Member
Gender: Unspecified
Location: London, UK |
This is rather similar. I copied and pasted it from lotsofjokes.com and I can't leave spaces in between each point coz then it would be far too long, so sorry if it's a little tricky to read.
Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
Women think all beer is the same.
Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Women brush their hair before bed.
Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'
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Things you don't remember, haven't really happened...
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Dec 6th, 2000 04:55 AM |
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queeq
Chaos
Gender: Unspecified
Location: JP's bed |
I wonder when Dim's going to close this one.
queeq out
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Dec 6th, 2000 02:51 PM |
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Dim
Creativity
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Southern California |
*pokes queeq*
Are you suggesting that I mod this board due to my own personal whims? 
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Dec 6th, 2000 04:31 PM |
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queeq
Chaos
Gender: Unspecified
Location: JP's bed |
Well... you ARE a woman.
queeq out
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Dec 6th, 2000 06:55 PM |
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Dim
Creativity
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Southern California |
I'm just going to ignore that little comment 
And you know...I don't care if you miss....JUST CLEAN IT UP!!! and then put the stinking seat down so I don't fall into it in the middle of the night!
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Dec 6th, 2000 07:26 PM |
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Gundark
Mayhem
 Gender: Female
Location: Skywalker Ranch |
Those posts are a hoot !!
Although I have to agree with Dim about the toilet seat. One night the paper roll ran out and the old grump got a new one out of the cabinet but left it sittng on the edge of the sink. I come bumbling in around 3am in the dark and knock it right into the OPEN toilet. I think you can figure the rest out for yourself.
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Dec 6th, 2000 08:34 PM |
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queeq
Chaos
Gender: Unspecified
Location: JP's bed |
You've missed the point of the very first line on this thread. Put down the seat yourself. Look where your park your behind.
I once read a great column about this. The author made a calculation what is the fairest thing, including differentiation to numerous household members. And he concluded that everyone should rearrange the seat according to their needs. In that way the chance that you HAVE TO rearrange something is about the same for all parties involved. You want equality, you can get it.
queeq out
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Dec 6th, 2000 08:54 PM |
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Gundark
Mayhem
Gender: Female
Location: Skywalker Ranch |
There are more important things in life than toilet seats.
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Dec 6th, 2000 10:35 PM |
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KJ
Sausages
 Gender: Unspecified
Location: Scotland |
Not if your job is designing and making them. Which mine isn't by the way.
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Dec 7th, 2000 12:07 AM |
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queeq
Chaos
Gender: Unspecified
Location: JP's bed |
Too bad, KJ. I hear there's a lot of money to be made in that business. And there are good prospects. No matter what happens in the world, people will always have to go.
queeq out
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Dec 7th, 2000 01:37 AM |
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Gundark
Mayhem
Gender: Female
Location: Skywalker Ranch |
Hehehe, good one queeq.
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Dec 7th, 2000 02:18 AM |
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queeq
Chaos
Gender: Unspecified
Location: JP's bed |
*Han Solo voice* I know...
queeq out
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Dec 7th, 2000 04:19 AM |
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Dim
Creativity
Gender: Unspecified
Location: Southern California |
Is that hair thing really true?
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Dec 7th, 2000 10:52 AM |
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queeq
Chaos
Gender: Unspecified
Location: JP's bed |
Everything you read was true...
queeq out
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Dec 7th, 2000 08:16 PM |
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