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simonrob123
standing over you
 Gender: Male
Location: i have no idea where i am |
the day my world fell apart
sorry for the mix up in the multi author area the story is ment to be here
the idea of this story came from the tomorrow series
i hope you guys enjoy it
The world all fell apart that day. The idea started while we were still at school seemed like it would be a great idea and it turned out it was in the long run. It started with me and my friend Sam thinking I would be great to go camping out in the bush about 3 km from my house with a group of mates “it will be good for us our mums always telling us to get off the computer and Xbox” I said “yeh been ages since ive been camping not since I moved in to town” Sam smiled “who should we get to come to” “well I cant be more than six mum said we can take the car and I wont fit more that six plus food and tents and stuff. Sam nodded he was a tall guy a year younger than me but the same height but no way as well built with shaved short blonde hair. “So who else should we invite we need one more guy and three girls to even it out” I started and took out a pen a paper and wrote mine and sam's names on the top. “well id like simone to come I always went camping with her” I nodded “Jodie has to come she’s been my friend since grade one and I think rach as well she always said she would love to go camping with me and some mates” “so now we need one more guy” Sam finished I read out the list Simon (me) Sam simone (man that gets annoying when were hanging out) Jodie rach. “What about matt you remember from my party” Sam nodded “yeh he know anything about camping” “he use to live in the country who in there right mind lives out there and doesn’t go camping”
So that’s how it started 6 teens from the ages of 14-16 I started calling them when I got home starting with Jodie. Jodie was my best mate and she was always trying to hook me up with her friends so she could be the brides maid if we got married she was about my height and once again a year younger she had blonde hair and was quite slim. “hey Jodie what are you doing from December 28th to the 3rd of January” “nothing why” you up for some camping” “um I don’t know you know what my mums like” I sighed “well go ask her or let me talk to her” after a long talk to her mum I got her to come. So I put a tick on the list next I called matt I made friend with matt in our last year of primary together we both moved to high school early. Matt was a guy really in to sport and computer games weird mix yeh. Matt had fuzzy hair and was a little over weight. He always liked camping back in primary so I knew he would easily want to come in fact he said yes straight away. Last person I had to call was rach. Rach was a girl who was friends with my family she lived in town and I hardly ever saw her but we always talked on the internet. She was as tall as me if not taller. She had died blonde hair and was just a little older than me. “hey rach What are you doing from December 28th to the 3rd of January” “I don’t know” “you want to go camping” she giggled “yeh ill ask mum” she ran off “yeh its fine with them we were going to come up for new year anyway” “yeh I chose new year so I wouldn’t have to put up with the big family do stuff” she laughed. It was up to Sam to call Simone. Simone was not a very social person she didn’t normally talk to people she didn’t know. She had blonde hair and had been friends with Sam all his life and he had always had a crush on her. Sam told me the next day that she was coming we all planed to meet at my place at 6pm the day before so we could leave early the next morning.
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Feb 15th, 2008 01:54 AM |
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~KoK!~
Sock Hunter
 Gender: Male
Location: US
Currently: Eating chicken? |
Ok, just a few tips.
It'd probably help if you followed some general grammar rules. For example, comma usage would be a good addition. It's also well known that there can only be one quotation per paragraph. Periods and question marks at the end of quotations would make it easier to read, and add to the flow of the story.
Also, a littler variety would be nice. The conversations were EXTREMELY similar. And while that is often true of teenagers, a little bit of mix-up in dialogs could have come from the chat with Jodie's mother, which was curiously omitted.
Plus, it's probably uncommon is a modern society (which, I can asses is likely very similar to our own) for every person to have blond hair. Seriously, he had blond hair, she had blond hair, she dyed her hair blond. And guess what? She has blond hair too! Throw in a redhead, or a Mexican, or something. Just make the characters different, because the thing that makes humans so special is just that: we're different.
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W:5|L:2|T:0|
Nothing is true...everything is permitted.
Last edited by ~KoK!~ on Feb 15th, 2008 at 02:33 AM
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Feb 15th, 2008 02:28 AM |
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simonrob123
standing over you
Gender: Male
Location: i have no idea where i am |
man the people in the story are based on real people that what they look like
plus it the start of the story im working on it
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Feb 15th, 2008 02:37 AM |
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simonrob123
standing over you
Gender: Male
Location: i have no idea where i am |
The morning air gave a cool chill we had all made it clear to leave all phones behind the night before which made a few people unhappy but they would live with it. We planed to leave at 8; oo but didn’t leave till night so we rushed out of the drive way. As we hit the road the car ran in to the gravel as I straightened it up matt yelled out “where did you learn to drive” making everyone laugh.
When we got to the spot that I thought would be good we got out, there was plenty of tree cover and a dam full of clean water near the back of the spot. We go to setting up the tents there was one four person ten that would hold three guys two tree person tents witch could hold about two people each and a one person tent to be used for the food.
Sam thought I would be a good idea to start a fire straight away the stupid pyre, 11 in the morning why would you need a fire. But no one disagreed It was a chilly morning. So while I and matt set up the tents Sam started the fire and the girls got out all the other stuff other than the food would have to wait till last.
After the sigh was set up everyone seemed to split off Sam sat at the fire, Jodie sat in a tent talking to matt, rach went for a walk and Simone went to lie by the water. I sat down at the fire with Sam, “so are you going to tell Simone how you feel or are you just going to leave it for another year or so”
Sam punched my arm, not that he could hit very hard. “She doesn’t feel the same I can tell”
I rolled my eyes “you always say that but you can’t just tell”
Sam just shrugged he was good at that ending thing with a shrug if he didn’t know he would shrug, if he didn’t really want to do something he would shrug. I rolled my eyes and walked off, I always wanted Sam to get with Simone he really needed a girlfriend to push up his confidents, and I always had a feeling Simone felt the same way he did.
I went off to find rach no one should wonder the bush alone least of all during the middle of the day, that’s when the snakes come out. I ran up the hill that our camp site was next to just to catch her at the top. “Hey you shouldn’t walk off alone could be a snake out here”
She jumped a bit “you never said anything about snakes”
I rolled my eyes “it’s Australia and in the bush of course there are snakes”
She laughed “well next time ill bring someone along”.
The first and second days were fairly uneventful other than the fight between matt and Sam over who ate the last time tam. On the third night we changed the tents we were in, we started as Sam me and matt in the big tent with Jodie and rach in one of the three people tents and Simone alone. But we thought that it was a little unfair for someone to be alone and the boy’s tent was too hard to talk in coz there were three people talking at the same time, plus Sam kept falling asleep and falling on top of me. So on the third night simone moved in with Jodie and I moved out of the boys tent and joined rach in the last one, might I add that Sam thought it would be a good Idea to wolf whistle witch made rach and myself give him a fair glare.
But it was on that night that rach took out her alcohol out, seeing that I was the only person who knows she drank. From within her bag she had a bottle of vodka and a bunch of other drinks. She took a swig and past me the bottle. I took a good swig and felt the warm sensation go threw my body. And smiled at her and past her back the bottle. We sat having a long chat while drinking down the full bottle. “So rach how’s your love life been going”.
I was always in to talking about my friends love lives and now that she was half drunk it would be easy for her to spill it all. “Well cassy is great but he is getting a bit clingy now”.
“You told him to stop”.
She nodded “I want him to be sensitive caring and not so clingy”.
I nodded “I learnt the being clingy is not a good idea”.
There was a hoot from and owl out side that made rach jump , I laughed and she gave me one of her “im going to look angry at you so u come over and hug me”.
I got up gave her a hug and got in to bed I was getting tired.
I woke up at about 3 in the morning to rach rolling about saying in her sleep “don’t hurt me please”.
I got over and woke her, she had told me once before that if she was sleeps talking to wake her. She woke up fairly fast and sat up “what happened”
“You were screaming your sleep”
She gave a shudder it was really cold at night “Simon im really cold”
“I don’t have a second blanket”
She undid the zip of the sleeping bag and I knew she wanted human heat. I got in the sleeping bag and put my arms around her as did she. I fell asleep with her in my arms.
I woke the next morning and as I did rach gave me a little kiss on the face “good morning” I rolled out of the sleeping bag and ran out of the tent.
The fire had already been started when I got there Jodie and matt were sitting there, as I got closer I saw there hand split apart real fast. I felt a shock and started to walk off to the top of the hill. It was a short walk but it seemed to take me longer that an hour, well it seemed that long. My mind was spinning, rach and I had just slept arm in arm and she had kissed me good morning her boy friend is going to kill me.
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Feb 22nd, 2008 11:50 AM |
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simonrob123
standing over you
Gender: Male
Location: i have no idea where i am |
new post
I got back to the camp site and everyone was awake and had started making break fast cold weatbix and cornflakes yum (not) I sat down with Jodie her hair was turning a darker to a brown since the start of the camp. “you and matt are spending a lot of time together”
She blushed “what are you getting at”
“oh nothing”
“what about you and Rach last night wink wink nudge nudge”
“oi ill give u nudge nudge”
I bumped her off the seat. “ow y do u always make me land on my bum”
“better than landing on your face”
I grabbed my cornflakes and sat by the half made fire that as always Sam was poking, he was a massive prior bug. “so have you gotten anywhere with Simone”
“No why?”
“O I don’t know maybe its you love her and can’t admit it to her”
he shrugged “maybe later”
“Yes later go for a walk with her”
“Or what”
I picked up at stick “ill smash your face in with this”
He picked up a stick as well “not if I smash yours first”
It was on then as it said guys will be guys and what do guys do when they find sticks? Well they get in to a friendly sword fight that always ends with someone with a big black mark. This time it was Sam smack bang on his leg “ok ill do it alright” I laugh
“What are you two boys doing” Rach had gotten back from our make shift dunny (toilet). Sam got off the ground “ill leave you two alone” I yelled back “why dose everyone think there is something going on with me and Rach”
Jodie and Simone giggled “ok then you two out with it”
“Well it’s like this Simone forgot something in the tent so last night we got up to look for it and well you two were sleeping together”
now I was pissed off I hated it when people thought that there was something going on between me and someone, so I stormed off to were there was a deep lake witch I could swim in and took off my shirt and pants and jumped in.
The water was colder than I thought in fact it was freezing, I swam back to the bank were it was just a straight drop. I grabbed the side and looked up and saw a second set of cloths next to mine. Out of no were I felt something pull on my legs and I was under the water.
Under the water I tried to find what had pulled me under I felt a body and I could tell it was a girl’s coz of the way it was shaped. I came out from under the water and suddenly had a girl hair in my face it “hey cutie why did you storm off” I could tell that voice anywhere. “Why do you think Rach I’m sick of people always thinking I’m in a relationship when I’m not”?
I turned to get out of the lake as did Rach “shit no towel what was I thinking running off for a swim with out one”
“What was I thinking following you?”
There was a sudden “whoosh” and a jet screamed overhead “is there an air show coming to town?” I asked turning to Rach, She shrugged there was a gust of cold morning wind witch made her shiver. I put my arm around her keep us both warm she smiled. As we got back to the camp we realized that we were both in our underwear dripping wet for everyone to see, we laughed and sprinted as fast as we could back to the tent.
We arrived home at about 12 midday when we got there I knew there was something wrong, there was no one rush to greet us other that the dogs who looked rather skinny. I went in side and the power was off even when I checked the box everything was working fine. I rand to the mobiles we all had about 100 messages from people I checked mine all were from friends everyone else checked there’s till I found one from mum “if you get this then they have not taken all the phones we are at war stay hidden stay safe don’t do anything stupid all people are being round up all people under 18 have been sent away to other countries for safety but if any others are found from now on they are to be shot on sight for being out of prisons.
I dropped the phone watching it break. I didn’t want to hide I want my family I wanted to fight for my country. The others had obviously had the same type of messages coz they were all in shock. Sam was hugging Simone. Jodie was on the floor holding my dogs Rach was in tears I went and hugged her. This was the start of our new lives.
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Mar 14th, 2008 10:24 AM |
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simonrob123
standing over you
Gender: Male
Location: i have no idea where i am |
guys if ur reading this please comment i want some feed back
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Mar 16th, 2008 11:14 AM |
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