Hidalgo Review
by Jon Popick (jpopick AT sick-boy DOT com)March 5th, 2004
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Because he didn't have enough zany adventures or learn enough crazy languages in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Viggo Mortensen leaps back into our cumulative hearts in Hidalgo, the new Disneyfied story of Frank T. Hopkins, the world's greatest horseman. When I say "Disneyfied," I don't mean it as a good thing because there are more than a few people out there who don't think the real Hopkins ever rode a horse. But let's not let that distract us from discussing the merits of Hidalgo as a film.
Like The Last Samurai, Hidalgo tells the story of a late 1800s American soldier-type who, after witnessing the slaughter of a bunch of Native Americans, has become a sloppy, guilty drunk because he did nothing to stop it. Instead of being recruited to train Japanese troops, however, Hopkins is approached by an Arab consortium who have heard about the racing prowess of our protagonist and his horse. Turns out they're cranked because Hopkins has the gall to promote himself and the titular Hidalgo as the world's fastest man-horse tandem (or something to that effect).
Before you know it, Hopkins and his equine pal are on a ship that will deliver them to the Middle East, which is home to The Ocean of Fire, a 3,000-mile horse race that has been conducted for the last thousand years. And it's a dangerous race, my friends. Dozens of competitors die each year. It's all hot and sandy. Sometimes you can find yourself under attack by cheetahs and falcons. But mostly, you have to watch out for those wily Arabs, who mount horses with aristocratic lineage (some are inbred to the point of resembling both Prince Charles and Sarah Jessica Parker) and will do anything to win.
And Dubya is right, too - those Arabs are mean little heathens. They laugh at Frank because his horse is an ugly mustang that, under normal circumstances, wouldn't be able to complete one day of desert racing. Despite being called a "mutt" whose rider is a "filthy infidel," it becomes clear that this is no normal horse. Hidalgo is the 1980 Lake Placid Olympics USA hockey team of horses. He never gives up, because he's full of that great, plucky American never-giving-up-ness. And that makes Hidalgo "the Miracle on Sand" - a distinction previously held by a nude beach volleyball team.
Belief must truly be suspended to buy any of this stuff as reality. Never mind the whole thoroughbred vs. mustang debate; this Ocean of Fire race is full of more shenanigans than a Boston Marathon with Rosa Parks as the race commissioner. The race is often interrupted by what could almost be mistaken for clips of Indiana Jones movies "accidentally" spliced into these proceedings. And for all of the deadly tomfoolery, Hidalgo is virtually bloodless (and the people who turned their heads during the scenes where the horse gets hurt have absolutely no business even walking past a theatre showing The Passion of the Christ). Also missing is the romance, which seems odd because Hopkins is provided with two potential mates (Louise Lombard and Zuleikha Robinson, who might be Norah Jones's twin cousin). Not only does Hopkins fail to tap any ass, he almost gets his wiener chopped off, too.
Mortensen does well enough as the half-breed (that's all he ever heard) Hopkins, apparently attempting to channel the Ghost of Clint Eastwood Westerns Past, as he barely speaks above a whisper and grunts one-liners like the future Mayor of Carmel. Omar Sharif (Monsieur Ibrahim) lends a needed air of credibility as the same kind of "friendly adversary" that Ken Watanabe played in Samurai. Hidalgo, sadly, attempts to steal the show as the filmmakers repeatedly cut to the horse's reaction shots like he was Mr. Ed's great-great-grandfather. A pretty but fairly uneven film from the possibly pretty but fairly uneven Joe Johnston, whose filmography ranges from wholesome and entertaining (Jumanji, October Sky, The Rocketeer) to bereft of soul (Jurassic Park III, The Pagemaster).
2:10 - PG-13 for adventure violence and some mild innuendo
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