House on Haunted Hill Review
by Steve Evans (evans AT cstone DOT net)December 1st, 1999
Cinema Uprising by Steve Evans
House on Haunted Hill Dir: William Malone. Starring Geoffrey Rush, Famke Janssen, Taye Diggs, Ali Larter, Bridgette Wilson, Peter Gallagher and Chris Kattan.
The pitch: A wealthy amusement-park owner promises a group of strangers $1 million each if they survive a night in a haunted house.
‘Tis the season for lousy horror films. This one could have been called House on Moron Hill, since idiots typically congregate in these movies, waiting in some dark manor for the bogeyman to come along and slit their throats. Vincent Price hammed it up in the cheesy 1958 original, directed by gimmickmeister William Castle. Back then, the going rate for sleepovers in haunted houses was a paltry $10,000. Well, the pay is better these days, even if the movie isn’t. Hell, in this picture there isn’t even a proper house up on yon haunted hill. It’s a derelict hospital.
As we learn in flashback, the 1937 art-deco building was actually an asylum for the criminally insane. The equally mad doctor who runs the place decides to practice surgery on the inmates without benefit of anesthesia (graphic and gory). They revolt and kill the staff (pencil stabbing through one man’s neck, implied rape, much blood letting and other mayhem unsuitable for children). But when the crazies set the building on fire, they’re trapped inside after steel shutters automatically seal off the doors and windows. The ridiculous shutters serve no purpose except to advance the plot when we fast-forward 60 years.
Cut to: Geoffrey Rush as Steven Price, successful owner of spooky-themed amusement parks (the character’s name is no doubt a nod to Vincent Price, though we wonder if the late actor would have been honored or appalled). Chewing the sets, Rush acts like James Woods acting like Vincent Price. He forgets that his bitchy wife (Janssen) wants a birthday party. Their marriage is the real horror show. The poisonous verbal exchanges between these two are both obvious and lowbrow (Screenwriter Dick Beebe could learn a lot from Edward Albee).
When Janssen reminds her hated hubby about the party, he shreds her guest list and replaces it with one of his own. Preparing the invitations, Rush offers $1 million to every person who lives through the night at the house/hospital on haunted hill. The reason for this generosity is never explained, which shows the contempt everyone involved in this project has for the audience. Rush snickers at his little joke and goes back to designing roller coasters. Problem is, something erases the guest list on his computer and sends party invitations to four strangers. Could it be the work of that evil house/hospital? Golly!
Greed compels an out-of-work pro baseball player (Diggs, who’s treated like a token black) to attend the party. He’s joined by a bland doctor (Gallagher), who doesn’t need the money, and a couple of interchangeable blondes (Larter and Wilson) who probably do. Kattan (who is seldom funny on Saturday Night Live) is their escort to the gated entrance at the foot of the haunted hill. Knowing something of the hill’s storied past, he whines and snivels, and demands his money from Rush, who seems as puzzled to be in the old place as everyone else. That doesn’t make sense, which is in keeping with the silly story.
Soon Janssen comes a-slinkin’ down the stairs, and she and Rush start squabbling again. But before either can hurl a choice insult, those creaky steel shutters come down, the lights go out and the screaming begins.
Damn shame it isn’t scary. Anyone who’s been plunking down cash for horror-movie tickets for any length of time may well slip into a coma watching this one. The special effects (reportedly rushed) are unconvincing and cheap-looking. The only diversion comes from guessing which of the repugnant characters will get killed next.
There’s plenty of acting talent on board, all of it wasted. Rush scored an Oscar? for Shine and was hilarious in Shakespeare in Love. Gallagher can do good supporting work when he has an exceptional script to work with (check out sex, lies and videotape, The Player and, especially, American Beauty). Diggs set the screen on fire with Angela Bassett in How Stella Got Her Groove Back, but he throws nary a spark in this low-rent drivel. House on Haunted Hill could have been big fun, if some of the gore and language was toned down to drop the rating to at least a PG-13. Then the picture would have had an audience.
William Castle, who’s been dead these 22 years, understood showmanship and his audience. He delivered cheap thrills to bored 1950s kids. Castle was not a brilliant filmmaker, merely competent. But he excelled at marketing and promotion. Castle directed more than 50 no-budget movies, mainly in the horror genre.
Funny thing is, all of them are better than this ridiculous remake.
Rated R for gore and naughty language.
Cinema Uprising copyright C 1999 by Stephen B. Evans. All rights reserved. This work may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, without the prior, written permission of the author.
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