The Hills Have Eyes Review
by [email protected] (johnny_betts AT hotmail DOT com)March 15th, 2006
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The Hills Have Eyes
http://www.themoviemark.com/moviereviews/hillshaveeyes.asp
PLOT
The Carters are a regular American family (well, one sister is played by an Australian displaying an American accent, but that's beside the point) who are traveling to California in a huge trailer. Of course, the father (Levine) wants to see the desert, thus he re-routes the trip through New Mexico.
Within the context of a horror movie we all know that's a huge mistake. That's proven when they unwisely take the creepy gas station attendant's suggestion of turning off the main road to take a "shortcut." Yeah, A SHORTCUT TO DEATH! The trap is set, the vehicle wrecks, and the family is stranded.
Unfortunately for them, they're stranded in an area that was originally used by the U.S. government for nuclear testing. You see, the area isn't completely uninhabited. There are some genetically-mutated freaks living in the area who have been affected by the radiation, and they seem to have a passion for killing any and all tourists who travel through their hills. The Carter is the next family that must attempt to survive the massacre. Hmm, I guess you could say all HILLS breaks loose? BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry. The most brutal movie I've seen in quite a while ensues.
JOHNNY'S TAKE
Shocking. Disturbing. At times hard to watch. All words to describe the horror of being forced to watch Michael Moore take his shirt off. But these terms also accurately describe this brutally vicious upgrade on Wes Craven's 1977 low-budget horror classic.
What would you do if you were traveling through the desert and became stranded amongst a group of genetically-mutated freaks who were intent on killing you? You'd probably die. Granted, I would kick all sorts of genetically-mutated butt (not an easy accomplishment when said butt has a foot growing out of it kicking right back), but the average human would be in some major trouble, just like the Carter family.
The father looks like he could handle himself in a fair fight, after all he is a detective, but what are three girls, a boy, a cell phone-selling geek, and a pizza place (maybe two of you will get that lame joke) going to do against a bunch of unnaturally strong psychos? How will they survive? Will it be through might or strategy?
You'll have to watch the movie to find out. And if you're squeamish then you'll most likely find yourself cringing in your seat and watching with your hands over your eyes. The Hills Have Eyes is a movie that knows exactly what it needs to do to satisfy its target audience, and it does it well.
Case in point... I'm not very vocal during movies. I usually don't clap and scream and hoot and holler like most the dorks sitting around me, but there were a couple of scenes where I literally said aloud, "Ooooooooooh, crap!" Of course, one of those instances was during a trailer for Phat Girlz, but one scene of violence left my mouth hanging open for about 30 seconds. Then I realized that my mouth was agape like some buffoon, so I quickly closed it.
It takes a lot to shock and disturb me these days, so congrats go to The Hills Have Eyes for accomplishing that. It comes at you fast and hard and isn't interested in sugar-coating the violence it's about to serve up. The intensity level starts high and never gives you an opportunity to take a bathroom break. I highly recommend you address any and all bladder issues before the movie begins.
For me, the main drawback of the movie was the "hero." You can argue that he was more of a "regular guy" and not a typical macho hero, but I felt he transitioned a little too quickly from a gun-hating wuss to an ax-wielding killing machine. My hat's off to the dog though; that canine rocked! Easily the coolest dog in a movie since the German Shepherd in The Lost Boys.
"I like horror movies, Johnny, but I liked to be creeped out more than being subjected to a lot of gore. Would I like this?"
It's very doubtful. I'll make this as blunt as possible: this is a movie that contains severed body parts, brutal shootings, axes to the head, a person biting off a bird's head and drinking its blood, and disturbing violence to helpless women.
If that description turns you off then you know to save your money. However, if that fits your style then the movie will succeed in giving you exactly what you want. But I have to say that if you think this sounds like fun for the entire family then I'll have to decline any invitations to sit down with you for a family dinner.
THE GIST
This is easy. Fans of horror movies that place an emphasis on in-your-face brutality will dig The Hills Have Eyes. Those of you who can't stomach it have been warned.
Rating: 3.5 (out of 5)
Johnny Betts
The Movie Mark
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