The Longest Yard Review
by Ryan Ellis (flickershows AT hotmail DOT com)June 27th, 2005
The Longest Yard (2005)
reviewed by Ryan Ellis
May 27, 2005
My Tagline---Wrestlers, rappers, jocks, and SNLers do some footballin'
Our collective prayer has been answered and 'The Longest Yard' has been remade 30+ years after Burt Reynolds quarterbacked the original. [And here I was, worried that a remake was NEVER going to happen.] Truly, the concept of rag-tag prisoners facing their sadistic guards on the football field was not in dire need of a tune-up in 2005. Legendary director Robert Aldrich wrung about as many laughs out of the original as possible (a comedy that I saw several years ago and hardly even remember now). Not-legendary director Peter Segal barks out "action" and "cut" in this new one and...well, I'll probably forget all about his picture pretty quickly too.
Okay, so it's funnier than it might have been. This movie isn't rocket science and I'm pretty sure it isn't brain surgery either, but all it wants to be is a dumb good time. Done and done. With Adam Sandler's name on the marquee, the frathouse audience wouldn't miss it. Yeah, it'll still do alright, even though it's up against that Lucas flick. Emperor George's movie has droids and spaceships and Jedi and F/X. 'The Longest Yard' has wrestlers and rappers and jocks and SNL alums. A little something for everyone, except for those who dig chick flicks.
No doubt about it, this is a testosterone stew. The movie has got nothin' but dudes, apart from a brief appearance by Courteney Cox as Sandler's shrewish girlfriend. It's wonderful to see that Courteney has gone from playing Monica on the small screen to playing Monica on the big screen. Only difference---she swears a bit and she gets to wear a killer cocktail dress. Maybe that's why Sandler (as disgraced, cheatin', ex-NFL quarterback, Paul Crewe) gets blotto and drives her fancy car right straight into a crack-up. Cox may be hot, but who wants to be treated like Chandler Bing, for God's sake?
Crewe is sent to jail for a 3-year stretch in some desert location in Texas, which is wardened by James Cromwell. The former Farmer Hoggett wants the former Happy Gilmore to help out with the football team comprised of prison guards. Inspiration strikes (or somebody just read the 1974 script) and they decide that a suitable opponent can be found by assembling a team of convicts to take on "the screws" in an exhibition game. Then it's time to click on the cruise control and go down that familiar sports-movie road, where everything you expect to happen does and it all ends in the big game...which can ONLY be decided on the last play. I think Hollywood shuts you down if you try to make a sports movie any differently than that.
Chris Rock scores most of the laughs. He's Caretaker, Sandler's best buddy in the hoosegow, the wisecracking hustler who has a sweet business going by smuggling contraband into the prison. Sandler gives his former SNL chum the chance to steal every scene because Crewe's role is, after all, to play the straight man amidst all the hijinks and buffoonery. Then again, that's fine. I prefer Adam Sandler when he's not acting like a sociopathic mongoloid (as when he played the Fonz's waterboy a number of years ago).
Unlike many of his convict teammates (some, like Michael Irvin, actually played pro ball at a superstar level), Sandler is not very believable as a football player. Maybe that's the biggest deviation between the two editions of 'The Longest Yard'. Burt Reynolds is a prison lifer and crusty old coach, Nate Scarborough. [It seems Burt just got back from the Ah-nuld/Stallone House Of Face Lifts in time to shoot this movie.] He was the headliner in the original flick and---since Reynolds was a terrific athlete---you could buy that he might be able to lead a team of misfits to competitiveness (maybe even...victory?) against a semi-pro team.
I suppose Sandler's athletic non-prowess is a silly point to get stuck on, though, because the flick isn't trying to do much more than draw some giggles out of us. It's a broad comedy. The movie certainly doesn't take jail very seriously. Apart from a few taunts and threats, most of the jailbirds are docile and downright huggy once they join the "Mean Machine". Even the captain of the guards (William Fichtner)---who beats on Crewe every 40 seconds when our hero first arrives there---has a heart. That can't be said for the warden. He'll destroy anybody who messes with him. He's the savage villain, which means by default we'l root for the criminals (although I always have a hard time rooting AGAINST an actor as intelligent as James Cromwell).
Any movie that gives extended cameos to wrestlers ("Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Kevin Nash, and Bill Goldberg), rappers (Nelly), and one-time NFLers (Bill Romanowski, Brian Bosworth, and Irvin) is catering to the 18-34 demographic. [Hey, I'm in that demo! So why don't I feel catered to?] Actually, a few of these guys are almost as charismatic and funny as Chris Rock, especially a surprising Nash (who goes through some rib-tickling emotional turmoil when our "heroes" pour estrogen pills into a steroid bottle, helpfully labelled "STEROIDS" in giant letters).
Even though 'The Longest Yard' is going head-to-head with that Jedi movie, it's bound to rake in the dinero. Paramount has confidence in the Sandler/Segal team because they've hit the jackpot together a few times before. Although Segal's best film was '50 First Dates' (a lovely rom-com starring Sandler in one of his most likable roles), the director has drawn huge crowds with 'Nutty Professor II' and 'Anger Management' (another Sandler hit). No matter how good or how funny or how suspenseful I think this film is (or isn't), the Adamites will show up. And they'll have fun.
Just don't ask who wins the big game cuz I'm not telling. But, for a while there, I REALLY wasn't sure. Really.
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