National Treasure Review
by Ryan Ellis (flickershows AT hotmail DOT com)December 13th, 2004
National Treasure
reviewed by Ryan Ellis
December 8, 2004
I just read the IMDb's list of goofs for 'National Treasure'. One of the entries is entitled "Plot Holes". [Now THERE'S a good tagline for this movie.] And they must have made sure to include a plethora of plot holes when they set the budget for this yawner. I learned some things about American history today, although the "facts" are so wonky that I'd undoubtedly flunk a citizenship test. None of that would matter if this action movie was actually...you know...exciting. Film critics have been carping for a long time that these kinds of movies are dumbing down the cinema. Alas, those critics are key-rect.
Tripe like this sells like bottled water (it's #1 at the box office for 3 straight weeks, after all) and the critical carping will continue for a while yet. The bummer is that a giant stack of box office receipts validates the notion that this Nicolas Cage vehicle is good enough to pass for a top-notch action/adventure experience. The Mount Everest of this genre is probably 'Raiders Of The Lost Ark', which remains one of the most thrilling flicks I've ever seen. 'The Mummy' and 'Tomb Raider' did their best to pillage from Spielberg, so director Jon Turteltaub & producer Jerry Bruckheimer just go ahead and shamelessly steal from him too. All they've done is make me want to finish bitching in this review and pop 'Raiders'
into my DVD player to see how it SHOULD be done.
But first, a little about 'National Treasure'. America's zany founding fathers had a treasure map written in some kind of invisi-ink on the backside of the Declaration of Independence. Modern day multi-tasker Benjamin Franklin Gates (Cage, UNDERacting for once...and not very well) comes from a long line of spelunkers who've been trying for decades to find the immense collection of worldly golden goodies hidden by those 1776 all-stars. Loyal comic relief Riley (Justin Bartha) lends a hand, as does love interest/government agent Abigail Chase (Diane Kruger). The three of them follow one cryptic clue after another in the desperate hope that they can dig up the prize before Gates' former colleague---and the movie's humdrum villain---beats them to it. A couple hours of predictability ensues and then the credits roll. Then I left, still waiting to be entertained.
As for the villain, he's played by wrestling star Triple H. Hang on, dummy critic, smart reader says. That was Sean Bean. Well, he's the spitting image of the rassler, so I'm going to call him Triple H in this review. Trips was so effective as the tragically doomed Boromir in 'LOTR: FOTR'. Here he's got lots of blond hair, lots of dumb luck, and nothing interesting to do or say. Gates is determined to prevent Triple H from heisting the famous document with John Hancock's immense signature, so he steals it himself. How he gets away with that is filled with a multitude of "oh, come on" moments, since all of these old papers in D.C. have better security than anything or anyone else in Washington. That clue just leads them to other clues, which makes the whole D.O.I. plot device just another of several McGuffins. What a screenplay!
Early on, there's some bunk about the Knights Templar and the Masons, who stole all this treasure and sealed it away for hundreds of years. Those Masons have a bad rep. Now I know why. Ironically, the dullards in 'National Treasure' are trying to steal something that was already stolen. God knows how many times these riches have been ripped off over the centuries. Is this just an efficient case of loot recycling? The recycler in me wants to applaud. The rest of me wants to boo. Conflicted...
Logic has no place here, but I must ask who the hell would have had the time to create such elaborate puzzles to be solved? If the men who created America had spent more time working instead of pissing around with Mensa-level crackpot clues, maybe the United States wouldn't be run by such crooks and morons in the present day. Speaking of guys who are worried about crooks, Harvey Keitel plays an FBI agent in hot pursuit of our "heroes". He wants the D.O.I. back and he'll act in as few scenes as possible to get it.
The supporting cast members were probably told not to wander into Cage's zone of charisma (which was noticeably absent anyway), and they obeyed. Jon Voight plays Gates Senior, a tired, old non-believer of all this pot o' gold nonsense. Voight hasn't had a cinematic tomb raiding child since 2001, so he must have figured it was time to play the exact same character again. Christopher Plummer plays HIS dad, getting only one scene to ramble on about convoluted mumbo jumbo. Since he also plays Aristotle in 'Alexander', Plummer has the distinction of playing a wise, old sage in 2 theatrical stinkers at the same time. Bartha actually fares well. He upstages his famouser co-stars just as he did in the Oscar-winning 'Gigli' (Oscars for 'Gigli'? snicker...just making sure you're awake).
Diane Kruger played the woman who launched 1000 digital ships earlier this year in 'Troy'. Lighting, makeup and movie magic made her into a stunning Spartan. This movie proves she's not a reincarnation of Grace Kelly, after all---although her frail beauty is about all she has to work with. Kruger is about as blah as you can get in this role, maybe because she was wondering when her nutty co-star was going to throw some Method shit at her. He didn't. Or if he did, it's going to have to make its debut as deleted material on the DVD. It appears that Cage liked the script---and by "script", I mean "paycheck"---and... Well, I don't know what else to say about his performance. If he was over the top, that would be noteworthy. How is it worth your money if Nicolas Cage doesn't tic and shimmy all over the damn place?
Here's a game you can play. Bite your knuckles every time they say the words "Declaration Of Independence" and you'll have a bloody stump for a hand before the picture is half over. This is a modern movie and its target audience is teenage boys, so why couldn't they come up with some hip slang or acronym? How about the "D.O.I." or the "Dec"? They might have even just called it the "Indy", which would at least be paying homage to the leading character in the movie they're ripping off. See, these are issues that fill my head when I'm watching an auto-pilot pile like this. Somebody has gotta entertain me during generic crud. Why not me?
I remember smirking when the trailer aired a few months ago. It had that pompous voiceover guy declaring it "a Jon Turteltaub film". Okay, I eat movies for breakfast (they're good with Fruit Loops) and I know who he is, but do they think this man is a brand name or something? Do people get together for drinks and debate whether or not to go see the latest Jon Turteltaub film? 'Phenomenon' is a beautiful movie, but this guy is a vision-free director. That's okay, though. Hollywood needs journeymen like him. Not everybody can be a director with style, rhythym, energy, and chutzpah.
What he's created in 'National Treasure' is a cavalcade of set pieces which don't have any blood-pumping sense of flow. We know we won't see any major deaths/revelations/twists until the flick is nearly over, but many great action pics are exciting even when you have a pretty good idea of what's going to happen. Yet, even as Kruger was flailing and hanging off the back of a truck or nearly plummeting to hell, all I felt was a yawn coming on. Is it as simple as great direction and editing to make you believe the danger?
Seems to be. Am I just rambling now? Seems to be.
So does Cage's crew actually *gasp* FIND the buried treasure? Do the good guys win and the bad guys lose? Were none of my brain cells wasted on irrelevant behaviour like thinking? Of course, it's a Bruckheimer action flick. He just photocopies the same script for most of his projects and makes minor changes. To be fair, he's produced some good 'uns over the years ('Beverly Hills Cop', 'Crimson Tide', and 'Enemy Of The State' are 3 terrific examples), but it's not like Jerry challenges his audience very often. You want a movie that won't aspire to be anything more than a junk combo of cotton candy & Pop Rocks? Then slam your dollars down for the latest Bruckheimer production. Or don't. [Really, don't.] Meantime, if you're looking for me, I'll be watching Dr. Jones race around the world to find that Ark of the Covenant.
To share your buried treasure with me, write to [email protected] Take a leisurely stroll over to website at http://groups.msn.com/TheMovieFiend
More on 'National Treasure'...
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