New York Minute Review
by Frankie Paiva (swpstke AT aol DOT com)May 6th, 2004
NEW YORK MINUTE 1/2 *
2004 – USA
Director: Dennie Gordon
Starring: Mary-Kate Olsen, Ashley Olsen, Eugene Levy, Andy Richter, Jared Padalecki, Riley Smith, and Jack Osbourne
Reviewed by Frank Paiva
New York Minute goes way beyond any of the girlish movie fantasylands usually presented in films starring Hilary Duff, Anne Hathaway, or Mandy Moore. Indeed The Olsen Twins, or Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen as they now prefer to be called, transcend any form of reality to create a new universe where one can always dress right and look perfect under the worst of circumstances, outsmart any adult or police offer, and be rewarded for illegal and highly dangerous behavior. The film, through its supposed crazy and hilarious antics, sets an extremely negative stereotype for the many young girls who packed the seats at my screening. Should you be forced along with your kids, or make the stupid mistake of paying for a ticket to this yourself, you'll wish New York Minute was just that. A minute long.
Mary-Kate and Ashley portray, what else? Twins that are total opposites of one another. Ambitious, poised Jane (Ashley) is giving the most important speech of her life today for a four-year full ride to Oxford. Roxy (Mary-Kate) is skipping school to slip her band's demo to the record label suits at a Simple Plan video shoot. Along the way, they manage to embarrass a bunch of good and not so good actors in their crazy shenanigans around the city. Sadly, both the wonderful Andy Richter and the hilarious Eugene Levy come out with little to no dignity left. No one can escape the massacre.
New York Minute is supposed to be a transition film for the twins, who, as the girls in the audience readily informed me, are headed off to NYU next year. The film is an attempt to transport the twins' direct-to-video formulaic success into a big-screen phenomenon, but did producers really think anyone other than the target built-in audience would want to see this? The film retains the same dorkiness of many other Olsen twins' films. The forced grown-up plot twists of hunky, non-threatening love interests, and shock! A kiss! Between each girl and her suitor are really embarrassing. I had to watch the love scenes from between my fingers. It just became too much to bear.
The film is also surprisingly offensive and relies on ancient racial stereotypes for a huge majority of its humor. All of the villains are Asians who speak with thick accents, run restaurants, threaten people with chopsticks, and pirate movies to sell on the street. A cringe-inducing scene in an all-black all-female beauty parlor is disgusting, and reinforces the idea that all black women care about is looking as fabulous as possible while bumping that booty. Gay and Middle Eastern stereotypes are also present.
I can’t imagine any reaction to the film in New York City itself other than laughter. While plenty of laughter was present at my Seattle screening, there are significant gaps in logic readily present for anyone who's ever hit the Big Apple before. For example, at no time, even under the perfect traffic and subway conditions in the world, could someone get East Harlem to Chinatown in less than five minutes. In the climatic scene, one of the twins rides a bicycle from the Financial District to Columbia University. A mere 115 or so blocks in just 20 minutes. It simply isn't done.
Is there any redeeming value to the proceedings? The answer is no. One throwaway line elicited laughter from the audience, I'll save you time and money by saying that it was Mary-Kate, who said, "As the great Canadian philosopher Avril Lavigne once stated, why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?" There you go. The best joke in the movie. Please don't give money to this. If you do, you'll only be funding more films in the future in which an animal farting is supposed to be funny.
A surprise cameo from a blast from the past co-star of the twins happens midway through the film. It's a classic moment because the man's face could be translated exactly to, "My what little streetwalkers you've become."
I saw this film for free. That was far too high a price to pay.
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