Nightwatch Review
by Jon Popick (jpopick AT sick-boy DOT com)October 22nd, 1999
PLANET SICK-BOY: http://www.sick-boy.com
Nightwatch is finally coming out. This film has been scheduled for release more often than I masturbate. It’s never a good thing when a studio continuously delays an opening, but they had a good reason to with this one. The procrastination was presumably due to last minute attempts to somehow edit Ewan’s cock into the picture. He loves to display his meats. That’s just my theory, but until somebody comes up with another one, we’ll just stick with mine.
A remake of Bordenal’s allegedly superior Portuguese film (called Nattevagten), Nightwatch follows the poor employment choice of law student Martin (Ewan McGregor, Trainspotting). Martin takes what he thinks will be an easy gig - as a night watchman at the city morgue. Even Catherine and James (Patricia Arquette and Josh Brolin, Flirting with Disaster), his whiny girlfriend and whack-job best friend, can’t persuade Martin that it is way too creepy while Martin is convinced that it will be easier to get his studying done in the ultra-quiet confines on his new employer.
On his first day, Martin is given a quick, but funny, walk through of his job responsibilities, courtesy of the crusty old guy who previously held the position. Now, I don’t know how a real morgue works, but there are apparently the magical keys spread all about the morgue. In an attempt to prove that he’s actually patrolling the place, the watchman has to take this lock-box thing around to the keys in a bizarre hourly Easter egg-like hunt. Of course, one of these keys is in the room where they keep the bodies. When Martin is told to be careful because the door doesn’t open from the inside, you can only imagine what will happen on the last reel. The cadaver room also has these creepy white pull-cords that hang down from the ceiling, which are evidently used in case someone mistakenly brings a living person in. Just the fact that this ever happens kind of creeps me out.
Anyway, Martin finds himself caught up in this stupid paint-by-number rape/murder mystery. Did I mention that he is the dumbest law student since JFK, Jr.? The smartest thing Martin does is comparing his situation with a USA network movie. You’re not too far off, pal. It does boast a powerhouse collection of hip modern rock songs. Songs that you just don’t hear on the USA.
Nightwatch does have a terrific dark and gritty look to it, similar to last year’s disappointment Mimic, which Bordenal produced and Cinematographer Dan Laustsen shot. The story is a big letdown, especially coming from Steven Soderbergh (sex, lies & videotape). The identity of the killer is fairly obvious pretty early on, unlike the current sexy thriller, Wild Things.
Originally posted in the rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup. Copyright belongs to original author unless otherwise stated. We take no responsibilities nor do we endorse the contents of this review.
