Phantoms Review
by James Sanford (jasanfor AT MCI2000 DOT com)January 26th, 1998
PHANTOMS(Miramax)
Author Dean Koontz got a lot of press three years ago when he roundly bashed the screen adaptation of his best-seller "Hideaway," and his criticisms were justified: "Hideaway" was a lurid mess that squandered the talents of Jeff Goldblum and Alicia Silverstone. But before someone hires Koontz as a film critic, let it be noted that he's gone on the record praising the filmization of his novel "Phantoms," a movie so dull and mechanical it makes "Hideaway" look like "Silence of the Lambs." Combining all the worst tendencies of contemporary horror films into one slimy package, "Phantoms" isn't even an effective gross-out, with some of the most un-special effects to soil the screen in a long, long time.
The real horror here is Koontz's pathetic dialogue ("Are you okay, 'cuz I need you to be okay, alright?" is one of his more inspired lines) and illogical story. "Phantoms" starts off like that classic "Twilight Zone" episode in which a man wandered through an empty town and kept finding evidence that someone had just been there, even though he couldn't see or hear any other people. But Koontz isn't interested in mystery, he wants to peddle gratuitous gore and highfalutin hoodoo about soul-sapping demons who periodically visit the Earth to digest everyone in a remote, isolated area, be it the Roanoke Colony in 16th-century Virginia, the ancient Mayan cities, or, in this case, everyone in sleepy Snowfield, a hamlet in the Rockies.
When sisters Lisa (Rose McGowan) and Jennifer (Joanna Going) realize they're the only ones left in town, they don't go on a looting spree in the business district. They go looking for trouble instead, stumbling upon several decapitated bodies and gruesome remains in the process. Sheriff Hammond (Ben Affleck) and his weirdo deputy Stu (Liev Schreiber) show up to help investigate the mystery, which grows more tedious --and ridiculous-- by the minute. Frequently, our heroes receive phone calls from the evil forces; it's a sad sight to see gifted actors like Affleck and Going standing around and trying their best to look terrified by what sounds like a malfunctioning car wash. A ghastly-looking Peter O'Toole also shows up to embarass himself as a scholar-turned-tabloid-journalist who makes such dramatic prouncements as "It's chaos! Chaos in the flesh!" while struggling stay on his feet during his scenes.
Some comedies are so funny you forget to laugh; "Phantoms" is so scary you'll forget to scream. You will, however, do a lot of yawning and perhaps some unintended giggling before the pointless, badly staged finale in which the "Ancient Enemy" that everyone's been babbling about for the past hour and a half reveals itself to be little more than an oversized version of the old Ajax "White Tornado." The appropriate response to "Phantoms" is a long, loud "Boooooo!".
Originally posted in the rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup. Copyright belongs to original author unless otherwise stated. We take no responsibilities nor do we endorse the contents of this review.
