Phantoms Review
by Nick Amado (namado AT concentric DOT net)January 29th, 1998
Phantoms
Directed by Joe Chappelle
Starring: Peter O'Toole, Ben Affleck, Rose McGowan, Joanna Going, Liev Schrieber
Screenplay by Dean Koontz, based on his novel
Though "Phantoms", a current horror, sci-fi release, has nothing to do with th 1987 comedy "Planes Trains and Automobiles", I am struck with a line from the latter that really sums everything up. When Steve Martin is berating John Candy, he says, "Oh, and when you're telling these stories, here's an idea....have a point! It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!" Apparently, Mr. Koontz wasn't listening.
"Phantoms" spends its first thiry minutes confusing the hell out of the viewer, making us ask, "what could possibly be responsible for all this grisly death?". Perhaps if anyone in Hollywood was creative enough to create a reasonable answer to that question, then this might be a worthwhile film, but deep inside, we know no one is good enough to write themselves out of this one. "Phantoms" has so many problems, plot holes, and inconsistencies that it is hard to know where to start. So I'll start with the lame characters. Two sisters (Rose McGowan and Joanna Going) wander into this town to find everyone mysteriously dead. The entire town has been wiped out, and yet they bump into the sheriff and two officers. I won't even ask why they're ok. They explore this town, becoming increasingly creeped out and realize that bodies are disappearing, strange noises are emenating from the phone, (why? No clue.) and nasty animals lurk outside, waiting to suck the life out of you. In desperation, Sheriff Affleck makes a radio call for help but the receiver says that they can't hear the message. Funny, then, how some mysterious task force shows up to this dinky town in their white ultra-protecto suits to solve the problem. Why these sisters have anything to do with the story is beyond me. They never contribute. Affleck is a former FBI agent who's haunted past is his ONLY reason for being a part of this story, and when Peter O'Toole comes in, you just know that no one in Hollywood remembers that this man is a professional and deserves better scripts.
Of course, this is a mysterious being from the depths of the Earth's core, and there is one man who has studied it extensively. Apparently, he was laughed at by his colleagues, and now he is a tabloid writer. This underground superspeicies knows who he is and wants him to come investigate, so he shows up in his own white ultra-protecto suit. (The suits, by the way, don't provide any protection, but at this point, who cares?) This tabloid writer turned Earth Savior is played by Peter O'Toole. O'Toole fills in the gang that this is a creature that feeds off the life and intelligence of the humans it sucks down. It has been around since the begining of time, "this thing was responsible for the end of the dinosaurs!" he proclaims. It seems this super creature has consumed someone who has seen "Alien" and got the idea that popping out of corpses mouths and devouring other people is a cool monster move.
Why this creature is here, why it choses this tiny town to start it's Earth-conquering quest, why it has managed to elude the history books and scientists (EXCEPT for Mr. O'Toole), why one character keeps popping up as a living corpse controlled by part of this creature, and why Koontz thought this would be an interesting film is beyond me. NONE of these questions are answered at any time. Director Joe Chappelle did a supreme job of showcasing his amaturish director devices. He builds tension with slow movements towards some door, has the music heighten, the close up on the character's face, the shot of the hand about to open the door and "bam!"...nothing there, but oooh. It was scary for a sec. When the girls first reach the town and find dead people, they think it is a disease. Reasonable at this point, so when one of them (a doctor) tells the other to try and use the phone, she grabs a tissue for her sister to use. We all know that kleenex will stop nasty airborne viruses from infecting us when we use the telephone.
Everyone who made this film owes themselves an apology. And if "Phantoms" doesn't make my year's worst list next January, then we are in for a real bad year in the theaters.
Zero out of four stars
Copyright (C) 1998 Nick Amado
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