The Pacifier Review
by Jon Popick (jpopick AT sick-boy DOT com)March 4th, 2005
PLANET SICK-BOY: http://www.sick-boy.com
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I'll admit it - the only reason I attended a preview screening for The Pacifier is because I have a major crush on Lauren Graham. I knew there was more than a good chance I'd have to watch her touch lips with that hulking monster you like to call Vin Diesel (I call him "Mark Vincent," though not to his face), but I still went. Such is the strength of my attraction to Ms. Graham.
Sadly, The Pacifier doesn't contain enough of Ms. Graham to satiate my unnatural urges to lick the backs of her knees. Also, the film itself is pretty fricking awful, and by simple virtue of being released within one week of Diary of a Man Black Woman and Be Cool, nobody should be able to say its one of the worst films ever projected onto a screen, even though the possibility is quite strong. Hey, it's all about the company you keep, and those films almost make The Pacifier look like Citizen Kane.
Diesel plays a disgraced Navy SEAL named Shane Wolf who is assigned to protect a family of a recently-murdered scientist who invented some kind of cutting edge anti-nukes program (pretty heady stuff for a kiddie pic from Disney). That's right, it's Mr. Mom on steroids.
What follows could have just as easily played out in a three-minute montage that would have saved Disney a bunch of money, and allowed me to stay home and watch Gilmore Girls over and over again on TiVo. All of the stuff you'd expect is there: Wolf has to change a diaper, Wolf has to suffer the indignity of driving a minivan, Wolf has to take the kids to a Chuck E. Cheese-type restaurant, Wolf has to help sell Girl Scout cookies, Planet Sick-Boy has to vomit into the lap of the person sitting to his right (sorry about that, lady).
I was a big fan of MTV's The State and a regular viewer of Comedy Central's Reno 911!, but to learn that The Pacifier was written by Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant is a little like finding out your grandfather used to be a Nazi. I hope they made a lot of money selling this script, or maybe had a brilliant idea turned to shit by choreographer-turned-actor-turned-director Adam Shankman, who has helmed horrible American comedies like Bringing Down the House and The Wedding Planner. Recommended only if your kids have been really, really bad.
1:31 - PG for action violence, language and rude humor
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