Poseidon Review
by Steve Rhodes (Steve DOT Rhodes AT InternetReviews DOT com)May 9th, 2006
POSEIDON
A film review by Steve Rhodes
Copyright 2006 Steve Rhodes
RATING (0 TO ****): **
Is POSEIDON hilariously ridiculous or merely ridiculous? It's just absolutely ridiculous and not much fun either, with the few laughs being the unintentional type that will have you laughing at the movie and not with it.
As envisioned by directory Wolfgang Petersen (TROY), POSEIDON is a luxury liner inhabited by a new species of humans, the kind that can swim underwater together for extremely long distances. Navy SEALs are nothing compared to these people, who, as you'll discover, come up out of the cold water rarely shaking or gasping for breath. Although large plot holes lurk around every corner, they aren't even the worst part of the picture.
For those of you who haven't seen or don't remember the original (THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE), let me summarize the plot for you. It's THE TITANIC but with a "rogue wave" replacing the iceberg as the force of nature that sinks the ship.
The movie starts on New Year's Eve, as the people prepare to party the night away. The only questions in your mind will be: 1) How long will the movie wait before it lets disaster strike? and 2) Which passengers will be the lucky few to survive?
The answer to the first question is as soon as possible. The film has no interest in developing any characters. They scrapped the script and sunk their money into special effects instead. They were robbed. The effects aren't special at all, just a lot of water rushing this way and that.
The second question, given the thousand-plus people on the ship is a bit trickier. But, only movie stars, of course, are in the running. Extras will all be toast. Among the possible candidates some can be easily allocated to the (soon-to-be) living or dead category. Kevin Dillon plays a drunk who brags that his name is Lucky Larry. Think he might bite the big one during one of his particularly boastful moments?
Jimmy Bennett plays 9-year-old Conor James. Do you think they'll kill off the kid or his single mom (Jacinda Barrett)? If you can't answer this question, you need to see more disaster movies. Possession of a kid is the surest way to safety.
Others are a bit harder to guess. Richard Dreyfuss plays a gay guy who wants to commit suicide because his lover just dumped him. You can see how cheesy the movie will be when his attempted suicide is aborted by a killer wave. As fireman and ex-mayor of New York, Kurt Russell gives the best performance, although it's nothing to write home about. Emmy Rossum (THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA) plays the mayor's daughter, who has just gotten engaged to a generic hunk.
The action is as tedious as it is absurd because the movie never creates a single character you care about or want to root for. All the people do is rush from one impossible moment to the next. Each time they quickly think of a way out, with the intellectual acumen of world class chess players. No matter how impossible it might seem to get out of a chamber, two seconds after entering it, they devise an elaborate exit strategy, which they execute flawlessly, aided by their aforementioned hidden gills.
You'll probably leave feeling exhausted and insulted by such a silly and preposterous film. It could and should at least be fun. It isn't.
POSEIDON runs 1:39. It is rated PG-13 for "intense prolonged sequences of disaster and peril" and would be acceptable for kids around 12 and up.
The film opens nationwide in the United States on Friday, May 12, 2006. In the Silicon Valley, it will be showing at the AMC theaters, the Century theaters and the Camera Cinemas.
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Originally posted in the rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup. Copyright belongs to original author unless otherwise stated. We take no responsibilities nor do we endorse the contents of this review.
