Resident Evil: Extinction Review

by Homer Yen (homer_yen AT yahoo DOT com)
September 27th, 2007
"Resident Evil: Extinction" - Someone Please
Shoot Me
by Homer Yen
(c) 2007

Before I engage in the review, I have a few
thoughts about this zombie flick. Zombies aren't
really evil, are they? I have a saltwater fish
tank. The fish leave each other alone. Then,
when I put food in, they race to swallow it up.
Does that make my fish evil?

Zombies leave other zombies alone. But, zombies
seem to have a taste for human flesh. If human
flesh is in the vicinity of zombies, it's time
for the undead to chew-chew-chew. And, they
aren't intelligent enough to understand whether
they are doing anything that is harmful because
they are just eating. Shoot, if I eat a
hamburger, am I evil? My head is starting to
hurt. Who knew that a film like this could be so
darn thought-provoking?

Anyway, I've just never understood the
sociological ramifications of zombie society.
But in my opinion, they aren't really evil. At
worst, they are just hungry. At best, those poor
creatures are just misunderstood. Obviously,
those descriptions don't make for a good title.
I mean, no one would go see a film called
"Resident Hungry" or "Resident Misunderstood,"
right?

But apparently, they will go see a movie if it is
called "Resident Evil". Hahaha, the joke's on
us. The film is really such a bore that if it
ran longer than it's 94 minute running time, we
might all walk out like zombies. Certainly,
that's what some of the patrons looked like as
they were walking aimlessly through the theatre
parking lot.

If nothing else, I did learn a lesson from
watching the film. If the country withers into a
barren wasteland and becomes infested with
zombies, here's what I'll need to do: 1) find a
Hummer. Great product placement happens here for
that car, and luckily, there's a Hummer dealer
about 1 mile away. 2) Drive to a secret military
base and commandeer a helicopter to fly to Alaska
where, hopefully, the virus has not spread yet.
This could be a problem though, as the location
of said military base is a secret, and I have no
clue how to fly a helicopter. However, the idea
of finding sanctuary in Alaska works for me
because if Homer Simpson can do it, then so can
our apocalyptic survivors of ZombieWorld. 3)
Leave someone behind at the military base (which
we still have to find) because it should have the
necessary equipment to fashion a vaccine that
could save humanity. If that fails, then I
better be prepared to limp slowly and moan like I
have an ulcer.

The plain old fact is the "Resident Evil" is
about as alive as the zombies that walk the Earth
in the film. It's absolutely boring for the
first 20 minutes as we are just waiting for
things to jump out. One capable survivor named
Alice (Milla Jovovich) has an edge because of her
psionic ability and her kung fu warrior skills.
She is being pursued by secret operatives who
apparently need her blood to fashion some kind of
zombie-antidote. But their intentions are
probably far more nefarious.

On the plus side, Milla looks great in those
thigh-high boots, well equipped with weapons that
make Marines look a bit sissy-ish. And some of
the sets are pretty well-imagined, including Las
Vegas which is now under 20 feet of sand. But
it's pretty standard stuff with the dim lighting,
screechy effects, mysterious sounds, and
unsettling close-ups that are familiar trademarks
of this genre.

My advice? Stop killing off all of the likeable
characters. Show more kung fu, and curtail the
incessant biting. Well, whatever. If you're
buying a ticket, you know how little to expect.
For everyone else, wait for the next one where it
looks like those evildoers-in-control will get
their comeuppance. Or, go get Halo 3.

Grade: C-

S: 0 out of 3
L: 3 out of 3
V: 3 out of 3

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