Runaway Bride Review
by Jon Popick (mailbot AT sick-boy DOT com)July 28th, 1999
PLANET SICK-BOY: http://www.sick-boy.com
The scariest film to take place in Maryland this year isn’t The Blair
Witch Project – it’s the paint-by-numbers re-teaming of Pretty Woman
director Garry Marshall and stars Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. Here,
in Marshall’s second directorial dud of the year (The Other Sister was
equally unimaginative), Gere’s triumphant acting style that made Red
Corner a box office smash remains unchanged, while Roberts conjures up
memories of debacles past, just about erasing any memory of her fine
performance in Notting Hill.
The tired story begins when a jaded USA Today columnist named Ike Graham
(Gere) writes a piece after hearing a barroom tale about a small-town
girl named Maggie Carpenter (Roberts), a woman who purportedly left
seven beaux at the altar by dashing out of the ceremonies “like the
running of the bulls in Pamplona.” The trouble is that Ike never
checked his source and is immediately canned by Ellie, his
editor-in-chief (and ex-wife) played by Mrs. Tom Hanks/Rita Wilson
(Psycho). Out of work, Ike is persuaded by Ellie’s husband,
photographer Fisher (Hector Elizondo, Chicago Hope, doing his best
impression of “Kristof” from The Truman Show) to actually investigate
the “runaway bride” story in the hopes of selling his narrative to the
highest bidder and, verily, jumpstarting his career.
When Ike arrives in Hale, Maryland, he quickly discovers that Maggie has
only really ditched three grooms on their wedding day, but she is still
the running joke of the town. Her drunk pop (Paul Dooley, Telling Lies
in America) even aims a few zingers at his only child, adding that
“wedding cake freezes – this we know.” Ike tries to track Maggie down
at the family hardware store that she runs (Carpenter - hardware store -
get it?), but she’s off at the local beauty salon, run by best friend
Peggy (Joan Cusack, In & Out and perennial
funny-enough-to-be-a-sidekick-but-not-attractive-enough-by-Hollywood-standards-to-be-a-romantic-lead. Why can’t her agent find her a script like Muriel’s Wedding?). Maggie
agrees to talk to Ike, but only if she and Peggy can “wash” his hair.
Stupidly, he agrees, and ends up looking like that guy with the rainbow
wig and the “John 3:16” sign that is always at pro football games. Yup,
we’re talking pretty high-brow humor here.
After speaking to most of the townsfolk, Ike learns that Maggie’s first
victim is a burnt-out Deadhead who still works in town as a mechanic.
Patsy #2 (Donal Logue) has become the local priest, while the third dupe
is a boozehound in New York City. Remarkably, there is yet a fourth man
ready to by discarded by galloping Maggie - uni-browed high school
athletic coach Bob (Christopher Meloni from HBO’s wonderful OZ). Now,
I’m not going to say who Maggie eventually marries, but you will
definitely be surprised…if you’ve never seen a movie before in your
life. The story is so remarkably predictable that even the
simplest-minded will see the placement of the Hall & Oates song
“Maneater” coming from very far away.
Could the problem be with Marshall’s direction? He hasn’t done anything
worthwhile since his television trilogy (Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley
and Mork & Mindy). Could it be novice screenwriters Sara Parriott,
Josann McGibbon and Audrey Wells? Could this have come from anywhere
but the minds of three women? There are a few decent lines, mostly from
Elizondo and Cusack, the latter of whom is so wasted in this role, but
not nearly as misused as Laurie Metcalf (Roseanne) who plays the local
baker for all of about 90 seconds. I am still amazed that there was so
little packed into a film that ran so long. Hello, Hollywood? Romantic
comedies are supposed to be 90 minutes long - 100 if Kevin Smith is
involved. (1:51 - PG for language and some suggestive dialogue)
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