Stealth Review
by [email protected] (johnny_betts AT hotmail DOT com)August 12th, 2005
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Stealth
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PLOT
In the near future, the Navy has developed a new program to combat terrorism. 400 people applied for admission to the program, but only three were chosen. A fighter jet has been created that is piloted by a computer with an annoying voice. The jet's creator has given it the ability to learn, but unfortunately it can't be told to stop learning. This means it can learn to disobey, and it can learn from evil military minds like Hitler, but apparently it can't learn to deliver its lines any better than Tara Reid in a Uwe Boll movie.
Of course, once the jet starts to develop a mind of its own everything starts to go crazy. The human pilots must figure out a way to prevent it from starting a large scale war. A talking jet going haywire ensues.
JOHNNY'S TAKE
Stealth is one of those Summer movies whose music is loud, its explosions are even louder, and its screams of "I HAVE NO REAL STORY!" are the loudest.
But what else do you expect from Rob Cohen, the director who brought us The Fast and the Furious and XXX? If you dare answer, "Hitchcockian suspense and Capra-esque storytelling," then you truly deserve any slaps in the face that you receive today.
So we've established that it's best not to expect much substance from a Rob Cohen film, but how does Stealth stack up against the other two movies I just mentioned? This may alarm some of you, but it's the weakest of the three. I know that statement is probably enough to send most of you screaming for the hills, and so be it. If you don't like outlandish action movies then you probably shouldn't be considering this one in the first place. But what if you happen to be a Cohen fan? Well, let's explore the issue a little further.
The movie does have a few things going for it. Hmm, there's Jessica Biel! That's one very good thing. And then there are the special effects. We get lots of jets flying around really fast, blowing things up, and it all looks really spiffy keen. So that's two. Let's see, what else? Jessica. Biel. Bikini. Aaaaaaand, that's about it. Oh, and the gals might like Josh Lucas. If that sounds like enough to warrant $8+ of your hard-earned money then knock yourself out.
But what's the moral of this story? Beyond the eye candy, there just isn't much here. Seriously, without Ms. Biel and the special effects, what is there? A compelling, gripping story? *snicker* Yeah, good one. Come on, it's another computer-operated-weaponry-gone-wrong story, and as such it doesn't offer much new to the genre. There are a couple of surprising moments, but they're not handled in such a way as to generate any real shock value.
One of my main problems with the movie is that too much time is spent in the air. I'm sorry, but I can watch jets fly around and blow stuff up for only so long before I start to get bored. You've got Jessica Biel in your movie - why make her wear a huge flight suit and helmet for so much of the running time??
And would it have hurt to have a little character development? The attempts are so miniscule that it made me wonder why they even tried at all. I can't quite place my finger on it, but there's just something about the interaction of all the characters that seemed too forced. None of them really clicked. The dialogue is of such quality that you get the feeling that everybody is just trying a little too hard to reel off a pithy one-liner. Jamie Foxx is the worst culprit.
At least he doesn't have to worry about making extra shelf space next to his Oscar this year. He reverts back to his unfunny The Jamie Foxx Show days and the one-liners he drops on us are bigger bombs than those dropping from his jet. He's supposed to be suave, ya see, saying stuff like, "I fly jets. You like to go fast?" Bwa. ha. ha. Give me a minute ... hold up ... side won't stop hurting ... ah, I can breathe again. Hey man, you forgot, "I fly jets, and I've just gotta ask - is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?" His character is more appropriate for an episode of Blind Date than an elite flight program.
And I really don't expect a lot of believable action from a Cohen film, but couldn't we be given something just a tad more conceivable than having Jessica Biel being shot at by a well-trained North Korean army and barely being grazed by a bullet? Yet we're supposed to believe she pokes her gun up from behind some rubble, starts firing, and takes out a few guys? Riiiiight. At this point I started to lose focus on the "story" and centered all my energy on admiring Ms. Biel's lovely figure.
The movie also has a few romantic dabblings, but they're mostly restrained. What this means is they give Josh Lucas some 2-day beard growth and make him and Jessica reluctantly ogle each other. It's a little cheesy at times, but at least it isn't overdone.
I know I've had more negative things to say about the movie than positive, but it's not *horrible*. It's just not all that great. It's one of those movies that caters to our most visceral desires. There are some moviegoers who only ask for beautiful people, loud music, and impressive effects. If you can accept that along with the weak story, awkward attempts of humor, and lack of character development then you may get the entertainment you're seeking.
THE GIST
Stealth isn't a movie I'd pay to go see, and if Jessica Biel hadn't been in it then its watchability probably would've dropped by a factor of 10. But it kept me visually entertained enough that I didn't mind seeing it on the big screen for free. If you don't have the time or the money to waste, then save 'em both because you probably won't find Stealth to be a wise investment of either.
Rating: 3 (out of 5)
Johnny Betts
The Movie Mark
http://www.themoviemark.com
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