Valentine Review

by "John Beachem" (john_beachem AT hotmail DOT com)
March 2nd, 2001
VALENTINE

Review by John Beachem

* * 1/2

Directed by: Jamie Blanks
Written by: Tom Savage (novel), Donna Powers, Wayne Powers, Gretchen J.
Berg, Aaron Harberts

Remember the boy who everyone teased back in elementary school? Well
thirteen years later he sure remembers all those girls who gave him the cold
shoulder. Kate Davies (Marley Shelton), Paige Prescott (Denise Richards),
Dorothy Wheeler (Jessica Capshaw), and Lily Voight (Jessica Cauffiel) have
just learned that one of their old chums from school has been brutally
murdered. Said chum had received a threatening valentine signed J.M. only
moments before the attack. The girls get to thinking, and decide it could
just be that kid, Jeremy, whom they all (except the kindly Kate of course)
used to tease. Now suspicions are running rampant as the girls try to decide
who Jeremy could really be. Is it Kate's drunken boyfriend Adam (David
Boreanaz)? Or how about Dorothy's latest beau, Campbell (Daniel Cosgrove)?
Or possibly one of the hundreds of fellows Paige has seduced over the years?
Whoever it may be, the girls are getting knocked off one by one, and they'd
better find out soon.

My theory remains sound. There is a direct correlation between the number of
writers on a movie, and how bad the movie is. One writer, you're in good
shape; two, you should still be alright; three, things are looking bleak;
four, don't hold your breath waiting for that Oscar; five, you might as well
entitle the movie "Bomb." Jamie Blanks' (previously responsible for
unleashing Urban Legend on unsuspecting audiences) Valentine nestles itself nicely between those last two options. It's not a complete
bomb, but it's about as close as you can get before crossing the line.
Nearly all the requisite brainless teen slasher movie elements are present:
talentless actors, talentless director, cardboard characters, predictable
deaths, painful dialogue. The only things this movie is missing which most
slasher flicks contain are cheesy gore and cheesier laughs. The latter is
most confusing, since some modern slasher flicks have a certain amusing, self-referential wit; and the others have a certain irritating self
referential wit. Valentine, on the other hand, is strangely somber and laughess. The characters appear dreary and depressed even before the
murders start, and that tone doesn't let up.

Critiquing the acting "talents" in your average slasher movie is an utterly
pointless endeavor at best, yet I feel compelled to subject myself to it
once more. What better place to start than with a quick description of
Denise Richards' (Wild Things) unique interpretation of acting? Actually, in all seriousness, Denise doesn't do too poorly this time around.
Of course, that could be because the majority of her co-stars are somehow
even worse than she, but I'll leave that decision up to you. Next up we've
got Jessica Cauffiel (Urban Legends: Final Cut) in a slight part, and I'm happy to report that she gives a slight performance. I won't subject you
to a description of Jessica Capshaw's (The Love Letter) vain attempts at pretending to act, suffice to say she's in desperate need of coaching,
practice, or a new career. Marley Shelton (Sugar & Spice) is adequate.. I suppose.. in her own limited sort of way. I do realize it's
asking too much for really good performances in a teen slasher flick, but
what can I say, I'm greedy. I won't bother talking about most of the male
actors since none of them are given any development beyond "I wanna have
sex!" The only exception is David Boreanaz (TV's "Angel"), woefully miscast
but still able to give a pretty fair performance.

You'd think four writers and a novelist would be able to think of something
resembling an original death scene. Instead we get situations like this
(warning, minor spoiler): guy goes down to cellar to light pilot light. He
can't get it lit, and we know the killer is down there. What follows is
about three minutes of this fool trying to light one match without blowing
it out while the soundtrack implies a creeping terror is right behind him.
Then... just when he gets it lit.. the killer hits him in the back with an
axe and leaves. That's it. Gee guys, how much time did you spend thinking
that one up? I wish I could say there was one death scene which stands out,
but they all meld together in one mesh of stupidity. We're treated with four
or five of these frankly lame murder scenes before the whole thing comes
together in an ending which is likely to leave you scratching your head for
about five or ten minutes before you decide you just don't care. Don't
bother trying to figure out who the killer is, the writers are gracious
enough to make this more than a little obvious for the mystery impaired.

Being the nice guy I am, I feel compelled to point out the film's
highpoints, few and far between though they may be. There's a vaguely
amusing scene between Dorothy and her new step-mother (who it turns out is
about Dorothy's age); there's a funny little line where Kate, referring to
Adam, says "Sure, he's no Angel."; and granted, some people will no doubt
enjoy the death scenes for no other reason than that someone dies in them.
Otherwise, the film is bland, boring, pointless, and the definition of
everything I've come to expect from modern Hollywood horror writers. If you
loved the intellectual challenge of such films as Urban Legend and I Know What You Did Last Summer you'll no doubt get a kick out of this one, no matter what I might say to try and discourage you. Always
worthy of mention in a slasher flick is the score, which in this case
consists of little more than that foolish "Ka-drum!" sound whenever the
audience is supposed to be startled by something like a person walking
suddenly in front of the camera. Valentine runs an irritating 96 minutes. I'd recommend the film to those who, for reasons I will never fully
comprehend, enjoyed last fall's god awful Urban Legends: Final Cut, and give the film a slightly generous two and a half out of five stars.

Comments? Send to: [email protected]

Past reviews can be found at:
http://us.imdb.com/ReviewsBy?John+Beachem

* * * * * - One of the best movies of the year.
* * * * - Great flick, try and catch this one.
* * * - Okay movie, hits and misses.
* * - Pretty bad, see it at your own risk.
* - See this one only if you enjoy pain.
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