Firewall Review
by Ryan Ellis (flickershows AT hotmail DOT com)February 25th, 2006
Firewall (2006)
a satirical review by Ryan Ellis
February 21, 2006
Truth---'Firewall' is a decent thriller and if your brain has been slowed down to a crawl before the opening credits, you'll be able to slog your way through it. So the following insult-fest was written by a guy who actually gives a mild recommendation to 'Firewall'. That said, let the satirizationing begin!
As is common knowledge, Harrison Ford has been patiently waiting for Emperor Lucas and General Spielberg to finalize a screenplay for the 4th Indiana Jones movie. What you're about to read is a transcription of a conference call that was wiretapped by the United States government a little more than a year ago. This information is 12th-hand and may not be entirely accurate. Proof of the probable inauthenticity is that George Lucas has never been this witty, nor Spielberg this much of a putz. So take this transcript with a few grains of salt. Anyway, the conference call between Lucas, Spielberg, and Ford:
FORD: So, Steven, what's up with that Indiana Jones script? I've been holding space in my schedule for years and...bubkes.
SPIELBERG: I don't know what bubkes means. How's 'bout you, George? LUCAS: Didn't he play football for the Bears?
FORD: That was Dick Butkus.
LUCAS: Oh yeah! That guy was a riot on "Saved By The Bell". SPIELBERG: That was "Hang Time", George. I thought you knew something about Saturday morning TV shows and other modern pop culture.
LUCAS: Shrug. I'm too rich to care about that shit. Besides, I know as much about that stuff as you do.
SPIELBERG: That's not true. I...
FORD: (interrupting) Guys! The script.
SPIELBERG: It's...well, it's coming. It's being written as we speak. I think. It's going to be about your character doing his archaeological thing and fighting a bunch of Nazis and beating them all. It's...well, it's... LUCAS: You have to be patient, Har. We've hired 3 different Oscar-nominated writers to tackle it and none of 'em could get it right.
FORD: (sighs) Alright, but I'm going to be 64 in July and I'd rather not wait so long that the tabloids start calling me Old-iana Jones. LUCAS: That's better than Harrison Bored.
SPIELBERG: That's true. The editors of those rags love their puns. FORD: Look, guys, I HAVE to make Indy 4. Have to. Then I can move on and branch out into different types of roles. I'm getting tired of playing these same dull-assed Gary Cooper guys. I was charming once. Ever heard of 'Working Girl'?
LUCAS: No.
FORD: Well, I was really, really good in it. And if I can't be the charming Han Solo rogue anymore, then I want to do more complex characters like Allie Fox in 'The Mosquito Coast'. I loved playing that guy.
SPIELBERG: So hire somebody to write a script with a role like that. FORD: But those kinds of movies don't pay very well. So let's get this last Indy movie made and I can finally get that monkey off my back. SPIELBERG: I heard they sent you a script about a security expert for a Seattle bank who has to fight off guys half his age to save his family. They're all being held hostage by the gun-totin' bad guys. You'd get to use computers and beat up some punks and use machine guns and good can win out over evil. 98% original material. That'll make millions.
LUCAS: Yeah, they can call it "Air Force One 2".
SPIELBERG: And gossip in the country club says Richard Loncraine is available.
FORD: Who in the blue hell is that?
SPIELBERG: Exactly! Fresh blood, man. He just worked with the guy who played Russell Crowe's imaginary friend in 'A Beautiful Mind'. They made some lame-o tennis movie together.
LUCAS: Millions, Harrison! We've raked in the bucks a few times together, but this can top all those.
FORD: Well, it'd be nice to have a hit again. This century hasn't been kind to me. (exhales in resignation) You guys know how to pick the winners. But I'm not completely sold and... (pauses) Hey, stop trying to distract me about Indy! That's why I called, you know.
SPIELBERG: We're not trying to distract you at all. This can be a great, great, super-great thriller. Look, call that woman who had the hots for the Candyman and get her to play your wife.
LUCAS: Yeah, she was the babe who tried to fight off that Harvey Pekar guy in 'Sideways'.
FORD: Oh, her. Yeah, she'll do. At least she won't Pfeiffer the movie away from me. Okay, so we've got the imaginary friend and we've got a chick who likes to guzzle wine. Come to think of it, this could work! SPIELBERG: I ran into Robert Forster, Alan Arkin, and Robert Patrick the other day. They seemed to need work. Why not get that English director to sign up those guys too? They'll have nothing to do in the movie, but I bet they can do nothing with panache.
FORD: Hold on. I just had a thought. This is just 'Desperate Hours' all over again, isn't it?
LUCAS: Well, a little. Okay, a lot. But think "Air Force One 2" and you'll have your blockbuster.
SPIELBERG: (laughing quietly) Sorry, guys, but I just tried to figure out what's funnier---Harrison playing a part suited for a guy about 25 years younger or Harrison playing a guy who knows jack about computers? FORD: (as they all laugh) They're equally funny! No, wait, I'll be old enough to retire next year, so the computer thing is funnier. I've never logged onto the Interwhoozits in my life.
They all laugh hysterically for a moment or two, even though the joke was never very funny to begin with. Finally, things settle down.
FORD: (suspiciously) You guys are just waiting for me to die so you can make Indy 4 with another actor, aren't you?
SPIELBERG: Never! You just keep doing your own stunts and trying to keep up as an action star. People might not pay to see that act anymore, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep doing it.
LUCAS: And at the very least, you can go buy the DVDs of the first 3 Indys and watch those.
FORD: You guys have no intention of ever making that film with me, do you? I'm just going to have to keep on making the same movie with different actors, a different director, and a different character name and then you're just going to replace me anyway.
SPIELBERG: Hey, what's that over there!
FORD: Steven, we're on the phone. I can't see what you're pretending to point at.
LUCAS: Firewall!
FORD: What's that? His wall is on fire. That sounds serious.
LUCAS: No, get them to call your movie 'Firewall'. I'm telling you, it'll gross millions. It's gold, Harry. Gold!
FORD: (resigned to his sorry fate) Oh, okay. I'll do it. After all, it's been a couple years since I made a movie and Calista told me to get outta the damn house for a few months. She's sick of having to fluff out my ass-groove in the couch. (grumpily) Seems you guys have managed to put me off about Indiana Jones for another year.
LUCAS & SPIELBERG: Excellent!
To contact me with satiric jabs or serious ones, write to [email protected] or [email protected]
Originally posted in the rec.arts.movies.reviews newsgroup. Copyright belongs to original author unless otherwise stated. We take no responsibilities nor do we endorse the contents of this review.
