When a Stranger Calls Review
by [email protected] (johnny_betts AT hotmail DOT com)February 3rd, 2006
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When a Stranger Calls
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PLOT
Jill Johnson's (Belle) parents ground her when she goes over her allotted cell phone time by a mere 800 minutes. As a result she is not allowed to go to the bonfire that the rest of her friends will be enjoying. Instead, she is forced to take a babysitting job in order to pay the cell phone bill. The rest of the movie consists of the phone ringing and Camille Belle putting on a demonstration of how to be an incompetent actress. The first sure bet entry into my "Worst of 2006" list ensues.
JOHNNY'S TAKE
Heaping ridicule upon the frail shoulders of When a Stranger Calls is almost too simple. It's similar to beating your grandmother in arm wrestling. But I'd like to start my review on a different note. I want to take a break from all the negativity and issue a hearty "thank you" to everybody involved in this production.
I'd like to start off by thanking the screenwriter - Jake Wade Wall. I don't know how you did it, but you found a way to get hired to write the screenplay, effectively giving hope to any and all aspiring screenwriters. One can't help but leave this moving thinking, "Man, if that guy can get a job in Hollywood then I surely can!" You presumably made a nice chunk of change for what couldn't have amounted to more than five minutes of work, and honestly, how many of us wouldn't want that gig? If you readers are familiar with writing a résumé then you're aware that experts recommend you limit it to one page. It seems Mr. Wall mistakenly thought the same rule applied to screenplays.
In fact, the Movie Mark has stumbled upon the entire screenplay for When a Stranger Calls. Check it out:
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FADE IN:
INT. BIG HOUSE - DIMLY LIT ROOM
Lights flicker, shadows dance, the phone rings constantly. Eerie music plays.
JILL JOHNSON, ~17, answers the phone. She stares blankly into the distance and struggles through her lines with all of the emotion of Paul Walker hooked to a morphine drip.
JILL (showing no emotion) Who. is. this? Why. do. you. keep. calling?
REPEAT FOR 90 MINUTES
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Since I'm such a nice guy I would like to help out and recommend a book that would greatly benefit Mr. Wall: How Not to Write a Screenplay The book covers 101 common mistakes that most screenwriters make, and Mr. Wall made just about every one of them. No need to thank me, Jake. If the book teaches you just one thing (preferably that true tension involves more than music building to a crescendo only to have a cat jump out) then that will be thanks enough.
I'm not sure if the book discusses the importance of avoiding clichés, but since it's clear that you don't know what the word means, the dictionary can help you there. An example would include a girl dropping her car keys outside in the dark and then not being able to start her car. We've seen that in approximately 473 other bad horror movies, so something original would be appreciated your next time around.
I would also like to thank Camilla Belle for giving hope to all aspiring actresses. Lay off the sedatives the next time you're spitting out your lines, sweetie. Not once did I ever believe that you were scared or in any sort of peril. It takes an extreme amount of incompetence to go an entire movie without a single change in emotion, but you managed to pull it off. Bravo.
And finally, thank you, Hollywood. Without you and your deep pockets, this movie would have never been made and I'd still be on the lookout for an addition to my "Worst of 2006" list. Common sense would tell most people that when the most frightening aspect of your "horror" movie is your lead actress' eyebrows then it might not be a good idea to move forward. But not you, oh infinitely wise Hollywood. You know how easy it is to make a bad horror movie on a low budget, and you know that enough teenagers will go to see it to make you a profit. But you also make it easier for me to make poignant points on exactly what is wrong with the industry these days. For that, I thank you.
As a fan of horrors and thrillers, I defiantly state that When a Stranger Calls adds absolutely nothing new or original to the genre. It's as cliché and derivative as if I were to add "Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada." to that statement. So I issue a challenge to Jake Wade Wall to respond and defend his work.
I'd love to get rich by spending five minutes tinkering with a screenplay that's based on a movie that was made in 1979, so if you can give me tips on how I can get in on that sweet action then I'd love to hear from you. I'd also like to hear you try to explain why you thought it was a good idea to make Jill so stupid that she would walk outside to the guest house after seeing a shadow in the window. Sorry, but saying "she thought it was the Mandrakis' (the family she was babysitting for) son" is not an acceptable answer. She had no idea what he looked like. I've met infants who know that's not an acceptable action to take. So please, enlighten me.
That's enough thanks for one review. Well, except for the thanks you moviegoers will want to shower upon me for helping to convince you to save your time and money on this one. Don't believe me? Just wait and find a friend who gets suckered into seeing the movie. When said friend reiterates my words of wisdom then you'll get back to me.
THE GIST
When a Stranger Calls might scare a few of you who still rely on your mommy to drop you off and pick you up at the theater. Otherwise, if it's a thriller involving a woman being stalked by a crazed madman that you're in the mood for then rent the Halloween instead.
Rating: 1 (out of 5)
Johnny Betts
The Movie Mark
http://www.themoviemark.com
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