I've got a routine. A sort of show opener if I was to ever become a comedian. I'd say:
"Hello, folks. How are all of you today? You know... There are two things I've always wanted to do on stage, in front of a great crowd like you. One thing, is make a mass group of people laugh. The second thing, is furiously masturbate. So... I'm going to be doing one of those things tonight. And Unless you want me to whip out my dick and beat off, I suggest you laugh."