SO IN JR. HIGH SCHOOL A BUNCH OF US TOOK THE CITY BUS TO SCHOOL AND BACK BECAUSE THERE WEREN’T ENOUGH SCHOOL BUSSES MAKING THE TRIP TO WYCHWOOD (WHERE A BUNCH OF US LIVED). ANYWAY THERE WAS THIS ONE GIRL NAMED CINDY WHO WE ALL HATED. SHE WAS ENORMOUS (WHICH OBVIOUSLY ISN’T A GOOD REASON TO HATE SOMEONE BUT THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU’RE 12) AND SHE HAD ABSOLUTELY NO TONE TO HER VOICE. SERIOUSLY. WHEN SHE SPOKE IT SOUNDED LIKE A TRASH COMPACTOR HAD JUST COME TO LIFE AND WAS TRYING TO COMMUNICATE. AND SHE WAS DUMB AND PERPETUALLY AGGRAVATED AND JUST NO FUN TO BE AROUND.
SO ANYWAY THIS ONE DAY WE’RE ON THE BUS HEADING HOME. THE CITY BUS DRIVERS HATED TO PICK US UP BECAUSE WE’RE LOUD NOISY KIDS, AND THE DRIVER THAT GOT SHAFTED WITH THE 3:45 STOP AT HADLEY JR HIGH ALWAYS TRIED TO BE ABOUT 5 MINUTES EARLY SO THAT HE’D ONLY PICK UP THE STUDENTS WHO DIDN’T DICK AROUND IN THE LOCKER BAYS AND LEFT THE SCHOOL THE MINUTE THE BELL RANG AND RAN UP THAT ****ING HILL IN ORDER TO CATCH THE CITY BUS.
ANYWAY YEAH, THIS ONE TIME THE BUS DRIVER IS ON TIME SO WE’RE ALL WAITING FOR HIM AND WE ALL PILE INTO THE BUS. CINDY IS ALWAYS THE LAST ONE ON, NOT BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T LEAVE THE SCHOOL ON TIME, BUT BECAUSE SHE CAN’T RUN UPHILL VERY WELL DUE TO HER SIZEABLE GIRTH. SO SHE’D ALWAYS BE THE ONE WHO HAD TO STAND ON THE CITY BUS. SO ANYWAY THIS PARTICULAR TIME I’M SITTING IN THE VERY BACK ROW, DEAD CENTER, AND CINDY IS STANDING ABOUT 10 FEET IN FRONT OF ME.
MY FRIEND BEN AND I ARE JUST BEING RUTHLESS TO HER. DEFINITELY NOT COOL, BUT AGAIN WE’RE 12 AND ENJOYING OURSELVES. CINDY, ALWAYS IN A FOUL MOOD TO BEGIN WITH, IMMEDIATELY STARTS FROTHING AT THE MOUTH AND STARTS MAKING THESE DISTINCT GURGLING NOISES SHE MAKES WHEN SHE’S IRRITATED. BEN AND I DON’T STOP AND KEEP MAKING JOKES AT HER EXPENSE. CINDY’S BOMBASTIC CHASSIS BEGINS TO SHAKE AND QUIVER ALL OVER AND HER LITTLE BEEDY EYES NARROW. THIS IS ALWAYS A SIGN THAT WE’RE APPROACHING THE APEX OF HER WRATH, AND TODAY IS NO EXCEPTION.
VERY SUDDENLY CINDY STRAIGHTENS UP AND BASICALLY SCREAMS OUT IN THAT ROBOTIC WHEEZE OF HERS “LOOK OUT EVERYBODY!!! IMA GONNA KICK DAVID IN THE FACE!!!!!”
I KIND OF SIT UP SMARTLY AND FEEL LIKE I’VE JUST COME OUT OF A DREAM OR SOMETHING. HAVING THIS MASSIVE BEAST OF A WOMAN KICK ME IN THE FACE IS A SOBERING THOUGHT. I’M CONTEMPLATING THE WHOLE SITUATION WHEN CINDY BEGINS HER CHARGE AND SLOWLY PLOWS TOWARDS ME LIKE A LINEBACKER. I’M THINKING I MIGHT HAVE 5, 10 SECONDS BEFORE I’M ON THE RECEIVING END OF A FLABBY FOOT WHEN CINDY SUDDENLY KICKS FORWARD.
AT THIS POINT SHE IS STILL A GOOD 9 FEET AWAY FROM ME. I HAVE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE MISJUDGE DISTANCE SO BADLY IN MY LIFE. SHE HAS TAKEN MAYBE 2 STEPS, TOPS, AND HAS SOMEHOW DECIDED HER TONELESS WRETCH OF A LEG IS GOING TO REACH ME. OF COURSE IT DOESN’T, BUT WHAT’S INTERESTING IS THAT SHE DOES MANAGE TO KICK THIS 80 YEAR OLD WOMAN SITTING QUIETLY RIGHT IN THE FACE.
THE WOMAN JUST SORT OF TOPPLES OVER BACKWARDS AND IS TOTALLY LIMP. I AM POSITIVE HER NECK MUST BE BROKEN IN A THOUSAND PLACES, IF HER SKULL ISN’T FRACTURED ALL TOGETHER. CINDY IS BELLOWING LIKE A HARPOONED WHALE, EYES CLOSED. SHE ISN’T EVEN LOOKING AND SHE’S STILL ON THE RAMPAGE. SHE TURNS ABOUT 10 DEGREES TO HER LEFT AND KICKS AGAIN. ONCE MORE I CAN’T HELP BUT WONDER IF SHE HONESTLY THINKS SHE’S ANYWHERE NEAR ME.
THIS TIME CINDY KICKS THIS POOR KID’S DISCMAN RIGHT OUT OF HIS HANDS. I REMEMBER THE DISCMAN DESCRIBED THIS BEAUTIFUL ARC ACROSS THE BUS AND PULLED THE KIDS EARPHONES OUT OF HIS EARS. HE LOOKED UP IN A HURRY, I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH, AND TURNED GODDAMNED WHITE WHEN HE SAW CINDY IN FRONT OF HIM, HER MONSTROUS MOUTH OPEN AS WIDE AS A HIPPO’S. I FELT AWFUL FOR HIM.
THEN CINDY KIND OF OPENS HER EYES AND QUIETS DOWN. THE BUS DRIVER IS PUSHING HIS WAY THROUGH THE CRUSH OF ASTONISHED KIDS TOWARDS CINDY. THE OLD LADY I SERIOUSLY THINK IS DEAD, AND IS LYING VERY STILL WITH HER HEAD TILTED BACK TO AN UNNATURAL DEGREE. THE BUS DRIVER GRABS CINDY BY THE SHOULDERS, TURNS HER AROUND AND MAKES HER GET OFF THE BUS.
THEN HE WALKS UP TO THE OLD WOMAN, GRABS HER BY THE SHOULDERS, SHAKES HER LIKE A CAN OF PAINT AND SHE IS MIRACULOUSLY REVIVED AND LOOKS A LITTLE DAZED BUT OTHERWISE OKAY. THEN THE DRIVER SAYS SOMETHING MENACING TO BEN AND I, TURNS AROUND ABRUPTLY AND MARCHES BACK TO THE FRONT OF THE BUS. WE TAKE OFF.
I TAKE A QUICK LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SEE CINDY STANDING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. SHE’S SWINGING THOSE COLOSSAL ARMS OF HERS AROUND LIKE LOGS AND IS DEFINITELY STILL SCREAMING AND SHOUTING OUT NONSENSE. BEN YELLS OUT ‘HEY CINDY!!’ AND SHE TURNS TO US AND THE LAST THING SHE SEES THAT DAY IS BEN HOLD UP HER KNAPSACK TO THE WINDOW WITH A GIANT GRIN ON HIS FACE.