There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."
The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."
Originally posted by Michael Myers 1
There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.
The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves.The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water."
The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?"
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."
GROSS
laugh at this:
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always
had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent
that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go
for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly
after, that they got married.
It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way
home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the
country, the man called his wife and told her he would be
late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed
a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk,
he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got
home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had
three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home
he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up
the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably
safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat
excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful
surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on
him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and
made him promise not to peek. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She
again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and
she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted
his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe
as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for
his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started
to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg
and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and
smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his
arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had
just about returned to normal when he felt another urge
coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.
This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the
dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers
on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the
hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and
fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his
wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness,
and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded
his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the
picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had
peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she
removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock
and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party.
Originally posted by nazgulinthedark
laugh at this:Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always
had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent
that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go
for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly
after, that they got married.It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way
home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the
country, the man called his wife and told her he would be
late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed
a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk,
he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got
home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had
three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home
he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up
the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably
safe.His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat
excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful
surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on
him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and
made him promise not to peek. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She
again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and
she went to answer the phone.While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted
his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe
as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for
his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started
to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg
and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and
smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his
arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had
just about returned to normal when he felt another urge
coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.
This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the
dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers
on the table were dead.While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the
hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he
carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and
fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his
wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness,
and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded
his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the
picture of innocence when his wife walked in.Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had
peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she
removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock
and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party.
PREDICTABLE ENDING,