1) A Jelly bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After
a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club
in town?"
The Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting
my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of
a hard case, I'll look after you." So Jelly Bean says "Fair enough, as
long as you'll look after me", and off they went.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he
sees them, Smartie hides under the table, the Lockets take one look at
Jelly Bean and starts kicking him, punching him and generally having a
laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered
Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and
turnes to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f**king menthol".
2) Joe was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, d the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove your testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn't even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought: "That's what I need ... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit", and picked one out.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. Size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60
years."
Joe tried on the suit and it fit him perfectly. As Joe admired himself, the salesman said, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment then
said,
"Sure." The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "34 sleeve and a 16 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman said, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet, and said, "Let's see...9E." Joe was astonished, "How did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman said,
"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second, and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah Ha. I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and give you a hell of a headache.
Originally posted by BidMyBlood2Run
I know, I just like the whole "how do you spell slut" thing and I've been waiting to use it 😉
It's from The Rocky Horror Picture Show btw
glad u didn't bash me for it.
😂 no thats fine, i am me! like it or leave it thats what i say. 😄
Yeah i know, its great! well played for getting the line in though 😆 haha
😂 10/10!! heehee