I couldnt find the one I was talking about again
But here an other one:
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING
Day 1: Was made. Am SUCH a studly ring- very nice fiery letters of doom inscribed on me. Apparently purpose in life is to assist malformed kitchen appliance and facilitate his eventual coup d' état of all things good and holy. All is good as long as receive daily de-tarnishing- malformed kitchen appliances hand awfully sooty.
Day 2: Feeling good, feeling powerful. Caused massive air catapultation of various rag-tag bunch of Men and Elves. Seemed to motivate intimidation. Go me! Felt less supreme when was unexpectedly hacked off of malformed kitchen appliance's rusted armor- landed next to un-washed, rather scruffy looking man who felt need to ogle for unnecessary length of time before dislodging me from Cajun-blackened severed digit.
Rather despondent looking Elf with unnaturally white teeth seemed to desire to chuck me into rather inhospitable looking volcano. Would not stand for that- used supreme powers of mind manipulation to make scruffy looking man keep me as new neck adornment.
Day 3: Having rather large second thoughts about keeping job as neck prettification. Scruffy man also rather smelly man. Needs good rinse and lather. Fortunately, wet dog odor man was ambushed by more large smelly creatures. Fell into water- not too cool. Appears as if I will be staying in this water for a while- saw scruffy-looking man bobbing down river impaled in places which seemed to guarantee his lack of life. As further insult, am now half-buried in river slime.
Day 1,049: Have finally been rescued from interminably boring river. Am now in possession of slimy blue creature with an overdeveloped fondness for the letter S. Seems inevitable this will get on my nerves. May have to destroy slimly creature's mind. Am sure he will not notice, as seems half insane already.
Day 1,050: Slimy creature also has acute fondness for fish. Am not sure how much longer can bear listening to creature debate with self over who loves fish more. Has nicknamed me unbearable love-pet name of "Precious." Am quite sure name will get tedious after about seventeenth use. Have feeling will be used more than seventeen times. May have to throttle creature in depth of night. If only had arms……
Day 2,385,193: Finally have cracked. Lost count of times name "Precious" was hissed to me about two hundred years ago. Am very sick of dark, smelly cave. Am tremendously fed up with fish. Therefore, rolled away subtly when slimy creature was deciding which of it's selves should receive the head of yet another fish.
Plan was to lie low and stay far away from slimy creature, but was unexpectedly discovered by timid midget. Was brought right back to unloved smelly creature and subjected to listening to a few dozen riddles. Was even included in riddle, felt loved. Was eventually brought outside again by timid midget, and met up with even more midgets, these being rough, hairy, and extraordinarily non-verbal.
Beginning to miss malformed kitchen appliance.
The Very Secret Diary of Theoden
By: Cassandra Claire
Co-written with lorax523, who is, as always, in inspiration to me in all things.
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Day One
Desperately in need of new personal assistant. Have contacted Ninety Minute Minion Services in Isengard. Seems best bet as if minion does not arrive in ninety minutes you get free Orc. Do not actually know what would do with Orc if had one, so do hope minion arrives on time.
Day Two
New minion arrived. Not best looking bloke I've ever clapped eyes on, but then again, not everyone can be brainless pretty boy with big show-off ponytail like Eomer. Little does Eomer know Wormtongue has promised me new makeover with Saruman's personal line of beauty products. Has promised me I will look fresh and youthful.
Day Three
Is that a grey hair?
Day Four
New makeover gone horribly awry. Do not look fresh and youthful, instead resemble albino dwarf after two years pickling in the Dead Marshes.
Suspect Wormtongue has crush on Eowyn. Cannot blame him as Eowyn quite smoking. Don't know where she gets off being so high and mighty. Have told her - pose for Shield Maidens Gone Wild you must expect some male attention.
Day Six
Why has no one noticed I now resemble a weevil? Not has Eomer commented on my new mascara. Eomer so spoiled. "I want a party. I want a pony." Have banished him from Rohan for whining.
Day Seven
Have reversed opinion on makeover. Am now quite taken with new look, as is so alarming no one bothers me. Can sit on throne all day in peace. Much needed vacation. Citizens of Edoras so tiresome and unhygenic.
Day Eight
Vacation over. Gandalf arrived sporting alarming new makeover of his own. Gandalf no fun. Cannot abide anyone else having new and daring look. Prima Donna!
Brought along three boy toys of varying sizes. My squadron of hand picked bodyguards totally whupped by tiny hairy newt, pretty boy elf and unshaven tramp. Obviously, need better screening process.
Day Ten
Attacked by Orcs. Aragorn "No Skillz 2 Pay Da Billz" Son of Arathorn fell over cliff, thus avoiding sticking around for battle. So much for Hero King of Men.
Day Eleven
Have arrived at Helms Deep. Time for a nice long nap.
Day Eleven, Later
Nap disturbed by return of Aragorn, who is not so dead after all. Apparently, absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Morale of men not improved by Aragorn's craven attempts to sneak away through side door. Have misdirected him to wine cellar three times now. If I am not getting away from this, neither is he. Is all his fault anyway.
Am not sure how, but it is.
Day Thirteen
Where is the horse and the rider? No, seriously, where are they? That was my favorite horse.
Day Thirteen, Later
Losing battle spectacularly. Who is surprised? Not me.
Day Sixteen
Heroic self-sacrificing death scene ruined by arrival of Gandalf and still-insufferable Eomer. Why did Gandalf wait until dawn to arrive? Suspect is so he would be most attractively backlit while riding down hill. Drama Queen. Have gotten revenge on him by telling all my men Gandalf is wearing fishnets under white robe. First one who snaps his garter gets to snog Legolas.
Who wields the flame of Arnor now, you poncy tosser?
Nd this's Arwen's:
The Very Secret Diary of Arwen Undomiel
Day One
Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay pipe and a pair of breeches for Valentine?s Day when I specifically requested a nightie. Have sent him away from Rivendell.
Day Two
Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. So what if he wanted me to dress up in a curly wig and hop around on my knees during intimate moments? Am sure other humans have equally odd hangups. Wish I could be interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with Glorfindel back in Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have given up on my own kind.
Day Three
Someone?s been trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.
Day Six
Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What masculinity?
Day Eleven
Legolas still sulking. Says other elves making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident. Says they no longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when Daddy called him ?the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike? at last Council meeting. Or maybe he just didn?t understand it; he?s awfully pretty, but not so bright.
Day Thirteen
Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.
Day Fifteen
Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!
Day Seventeen
Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said, ?What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?? Told him he must be thinking of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, ?The ?Still Not King guy, right?? Did not respond; some people don?t deserve my conversation.
Day Eighteen
Have been following Aragorn for two days now. Have never really seen hobbits close up before. Suddenly business with curly wig and prosthetic feet starting to make sense. V. annoyed. Slow burn.
Day Twenty
Doesn?t he ever wash his hair when I?m not around?
Day Twenty-Four
Is official. Aragorn a complete pervy hobbit-fancier. Is obviously into little blue-eyed hobbit Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Twenty-Five
Cornered Sam while he was out looking for herbs. Explained to him exactly how was possible to kill human men instantly and silently using just a fork and a rubber band. Turned him around, gave him little push in Aragorn?s direction... alas no dice. ?But we need him to protect Frooodo, scary elf lady!?
Whingy little hobbit, I?ve no patience at all.
Day Twenty-Six
Finally decided to take care of Aragorn myself; was about to slit his cheating throat when was distracted by howling moans of Ringbearer. Decided to annoy Aragorn by hobbit-napping bite-sized hero and taking him for extended pony ride.
Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him.
Cannot believe am getting all swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: ?Aloof, unavailable elf princess. Aloof, unavailable elf princess.? Especially cannot believe am getting all swoony over greenish-looking, half-dead hobbit.
Day Twenty-Seven
Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious. Off to Rivendell.
Day Twenty-Nine
Well, really. Cannot even get near Ringbearer, as Sam is always there, plus caught Aragorn sneaking around in shrubbery by hobbits? quarters. Claimed he was looking for shard of Narsil he had misplaced.
Day Thirty
Hobbits such a bother. Kitchen staff fussing ? all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing ? all out of strawberry scented bath bubbles. Legolas fussing ? will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy. Asked me yesterday in haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his complexion. Told him of course not, he is so obviously an autumn.
Day Thirty-Two
Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty before Aragorn happened along. Accused him point-blank of hobbit-fancying. He told me that Isildur had been a pervy hobbit-fancier, and he was just trying to build his career in a similar fashion. Told him: ?You are Isildur?s heir, not Isildur himself.? To which he replied, "If only you were a bit shorter, and had bigger feet.?
Day Forty
Spent quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more hobbits for me, it is dwarves all the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by one last time to watch Sam give Frodo his bath. After all, I didn?t filch that bathroom key out of Aragorn?s pocket for nothing.
http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/index.html
there you go people
Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got distracted there for a bit.
Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous...rudeness.
Ooops.
Day Three:
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.
Day Four:
Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his...
Stupid Ring.
Day Four:
Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.
Ha Ha! Ha!
Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Day Six:
Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."
Blatant favoritism most annoying.
Day Ten:
Why isn't Aragorn into me ?
Day Eleven:
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.
Kind of liked it, actually.
Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too...
In other news, Gandalf died.
_______________________
So funny... And Merry's and Saruman's with the carrot and the Horn of Gondor and Eyeball thing...
Originally posted by Bloom4ever
Day FortySpent quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more hobbits for me, it is dwarves all the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by one last time to watch Sam give Frodo his bath. After all, I didn?t filch that bathroom key out of Aragorn?s pocket for nothing.
LMAO, that is soooo raunchy... and very nasty... Gimili... ick... but i have to admit, Gimili and Arwe are perfect for each other 😛
DAY ONE
Grr. Argh.
DAY TWO
Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves v. bad for my digestion. Have asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles. Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus side, beard now silky and conditioned.
DAY THREE
Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning. What WERE they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder they can’t even grow decent beards.
DAY SEVEN
Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely ignoring hottie elf fiancèe in favor of barging about with hairy-footed gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to take care of her loneliness.
Later.
Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!
DAY NINE
Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about ‘our relationship.’
DAY THIRTEEN
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and stuffed him in his trousers. That’s right, Isildur’s Heir. Suffocate the Ringbearer. Honestly, these people.
DAY FOURTEEN
In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.
DAY FIFTEEN
Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor. Does not bear thinking about if not.
DAY SIXTEEN
Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a lech. Legolas then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between men just big cover-up for illicit spanking games.
DAY TWENTY
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks. Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V. satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought, maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with elves.
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting v. lonely. Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts. Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men