heres another
Posted on Sun, Jan. 26, 2003
Why can't they just lose the ring in the sink?
DAVE BARRY
I finally saw the new Lord of the Rings movie, which is entitled Lord of the Rings II: A LOT More Stuff Happens. It's a tad on the long side (three days) but I am not complaining. My eyeballs were literally riveted to the screen, by literal rivets, from the moment I sat down until the moment I lost all sensation in my lower body.
Yes, this is a classic movie, the kind that makes you laugh; makes you cry; makes you wonder, over and over, if this would be a good time to go to the bathroom. Above all, it's a movie that makes you think about the issues raised by the plot, the main issue being: What the heck IS the plot?
I say this because it's a very complicated story, with numerous subplots and something like 11,000 major characters, most of whom have hard-to-remember names like ''Flagodirt'' or ''Grempkin.'' So today, as a service to all of you who were confused by this great movie, I present the following:
SIMPLIFIED SCREENPLAY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS II
(Scene 1)
FRODO: Darn! I still have this darned ring that I got in the first movie!
SAMWISE: The ring with the terrible power that causes everyone who comes near it to over-act?
FRODO: Yes! And to destroy it, we must walk, slowly, in real time, all the way across New Zealand!
SAMWISE: But who will guide us?
FRODO: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature with a bad comb-over?
SAMWISE: Dick Cheney's in this movie?
GOLLUM: Very funny, Hobbitt-breath.
(Scene 2🙂
LORD ARAGORN: Well, my two trusty companions -- Legolas, the Strangely Tall Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf -- in our subplot, we are pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose niece, Eowyn, will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue, who is secretly in league with the evil wizard Saruman!
LEGOLAS: I have no idea what you're talking about.
LORD ARAGORN: Me either. I'm just reading the script.
GIMLI: Well, I'm really short!
(Laughter)
LORD ARAGORN: But enough explanatory dialogue. It's time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles we have in this movie with hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by the thousands, although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!
LEGOLAS: Also, they have the hand-to-hand-combat skills of alfalfa.
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
(Scene 3🙂
MERRY: Well, Pippin, we escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees!
PIPPIN: Apparently, the audience will swallow anything!
TREE: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat! (Scene 4)
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr
SWORDS: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! (Scene 5)
FRODO: How come, if I'm the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has TWO love interests, and I'm stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney?
GOLLUM: Maybe it's because your big hairy feet make you look like you're wearing a pair of dead weasels.
(Scene 6)
LORD ARAGORN: Well, Legolas and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formerly Gandalf the Grey, also known as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant computer-generated battle. Now we must make haste to the Really Big Rock of Karambador, before the forces of Ba'Zoot, led by the evil King Weltpimple, conquer the Mullions of Gneep and obtain the Remote Control Unit of Doom!
LEGOLAS: Now you're just making stuff up.
LORD ARAGORN: Well, it's not as stupid as the kung-fu trees.
GIMLI: I'm still short!
(Laughter)
(Scene 7)
FRODO: UH-oh! The movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you realize what that means?
SAMWISE: That ''Weasel Feet'' would be a good name for a rock band?
FRODO: Yes, as would ''Kung Fu Trees'' and ''Combat Alfalfa.'' But my point is that the forces of Evil have been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be...
SAMWISE: No! Not that!
FRODO: Yes. Another sequel.
MONSTERS: Arrrrrr.
http://groups.msn.com/dvcg2o69vq0acjeeru47naico5/whatreallyhappenedatthecouncilofelrond.msnw
http://groups.msn.com/dvcg2o69vq0acjeeru47naico5/ifhollywoodhadmadelotr.msnw
Harry Potter and the
Council of the Wand of Voldemort
By Megan
Dumbledore: Students of Hogwarts, teachers & staff members, you have been summoned here to answer the threat of Voldemort. The wizard-world stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each wizard is bound to this fate, to this one doom. Bring forth the wand, Harry.
(Harry sets the wand of Voldemort in the middle of the council on a stool. Everyone looks freakishly at the wand.)
Filch: It is a gift! A gift to the foes of Voldemort! Why not use his wand? Long has Hogwarts kept the forces of Voldemort at vain! By my caretaking is Hogwarts kept safe! Give me the weapon of the enemy! Let us use it against him!
Oliver Wood: You cannot wield it! None of us can! The one wand answers to Voldemort alone! It has no other master!
Filch: And what would a student know of this matter?
George Weasley: This is no mere student! He is Oliver Wood, Keeper for Gryffindor! You owe him your allegiance!
Filch: Oliver...this is the Keeper for Gryffindor?
George: That's what I said, isn't it?
Oliver: (in the Gryffindor Quidditch Team language) Put a sock in it, George.
Filch: Gryffindor has no Keeper. They have that bloody Seeker!
McGonagall: Oliver is right! We cannot use it!
Dumbledore: You have only one choice. The wand must be destroyed.
Snape: What are we waiting for?
(takes the wand & tries to snap it in two. Harry flinches.)
Dumbledore: The wand cannot be destroyed, Snape potions teacher, by any bare hands that we here possess. The wand was made by the tail feather of the Phoenix and by that Phoenix it can me unmade. It must be taken back to the Phoenix and snapped in two by its very beak. One of you must do this.
Filch: One does not simply walk up to the Phoenix and say "Hey! Could you snap this stick for me?" Their hearts are filled with more than just healing powers. There is evil in them that does not sleep! And their great eyes are ever watchful! The Phoenix lives in a barren wasteland riddled with fire, and ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with 10,000 wizards could even do this! It is folly!
George: Have you heard nothing Professor Dumbledore just said? The wand must be snapped!
Snape: And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?
Filch: And if we fail, what next? What if Voldemort takes back what is his?
Snape: I will be dead before I see the wand in the hands of a Gryffindor!
(Everyone argues while Harry's hearing something freaky from the wand.)
Harry: I will take it! I will take the wand to the Phoenix...though...I do not know the way.
McGonagall: I will help you bear this burden, Harry Potter. As long as it's yours to bear.
Oliver: If by my life or death, I can protect you...I will. You have my broomstick.
George: And you have my beater.
Hagrid: And my dog!
Filch: You carry the fates of us all, Little One. If this is indeed the will of the Council, then I will see it done...even though I’m a Squib.
Ron: Ai! (runs out of bushes). Harry's not going anywhere without me!
Dumbledore: Uh...huh...
Hermione: Oi! (runs up to them, Neville Longbottom following) We're coming, too! You'd have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!
Neville: Anyway, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission...quest...thing!
Dumbledore: Nine companions...so be it! You shall be The Fellowship of the Ring...I mean Wand...or...whatever...
Everyone together: Great! Where are we going?
the forgotten
Host: Members of the press, foreign dignitaries, honored guests, welcome to today's press conference. With the Lord of the Rings being a global phenomenon we've heard interview after interview from Gandalf, Saruman, Frodo and all of the other stars from the new movies. But today it is my privelage to present to you some special guests that you probably have not heard from yet: those who didn't make the cut for the films. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome our first guest: Glorfindel!
The Press all shout at once while flash after flash blinds a blinking Glorfindel
Host: Quiet please! Quiet! Mr. Glorfindel, thank you for joining us today.
Glorfindel: Well, it's nice to know I'm wanted somewhere. You'd thinking saving Frodo's life would be enough to get me a little screen time, but noooooooooo! Glorfindel doesn't have a nice ass. Glorfindel doesn't have big ****. Glorfindel doesn't fit in with Hollywood.
Press: You mean New Zealand?
Glorfindel: Whatever.
Press: Mr. Glorfindel, this is actually the second time you've been replaced in a Rings movie, is it not?
Glorfindel: Yea, yea, Legless did my part in Bakshi's version- and look how good that movie was without me! For Elbereth's sake, Legless was scared of a pansy balrog. I eat balrogs for breakfast.
Press: Mr. Glorfindel, there are rumors that you, in fact, have never encountered a balrog at all, and that the famous Glorfindel/Balrog incident involved a different elf. How do you respond to these allegations?
Glorfindel: Bite me.
Host: Uh... yes. Um, let's bring out our next guest. Please welcome, Gildor Inglorion of the House of Finrod!
Gildor: Elen sila lumen ometielvo!
Flashes pop everywhere
Gildor: It's a pleasure to be here today, and I thank you for having me.
Press: Mr. Inglorion, what do you think about the upcoming films?
Gildor: Well I wish Mr. Jackson nothing but the best. He actually asked me if I wish to be involved with the project, but living in eternal happiness in the undying lands takes up so much of my time these days, you know.
Press: Gildor, do you think the scenes of Frodo meeting the you and the other elves would improve the Fellowship movie?
Gildor: Well I have always believed it's best not to meddle in the affairs of directors, for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Press: Mr. Inglorion, what do the elves on the whole think of the upcoming trilogy of movies?
Gildor: Is it not enough to know that they are about Middle-Earth? See them! Ask no more of me! My heart forebodes that ere all is ended, you will all know more of these films than Gildor Inglorion. May Elbereth protect you!
Host: Thank you, Mr. Inglorion, we appreciate your time. Now it is my pleasure to present to you, Mr. Tom Bombadil!
Tom: (with a whiskey bottle) Hey dol derry dol, ring-a-ding spectre, another rings movie, another ****in director. (Tom takes a swig)
Host: Tom, you're drunk!
Tom: Tom's got no job and no woman for goodness sake. Whiskey's all he's got so dammit give a guy a break.
Press: Mr. Bombadil, what happened to Goldberry?
Tom: Tom's not a movie star so he's gone rather hugless. That skinny ***** left me for some guy named Michael Douglas.
Host: Alright, alright, thank you for your time, Mr. Bombadil- we appreciate it. Now I introduce to you, ladies and gentlemen...
Tom: Dol derry dol! *cough cough* *hack, hack*
Host: Yes, thank you Tom. (pushing Tom to the back) And now, I give to you... Faramir?
Faramir: I'm getting so sick of these press conferences for forgotten characters! I save Frodo. I save Minas Tirith. I almost die. I marry Eowyn. Just what does a guy have to do to get into a movie?
Host: Yes, but...
Faramir: So I don't have a last name. Neither does anyone else after the fifth chapter! Do you know what it's like to see Rosie Cotton in the Rankin/Bass movies and still be sitting here without one freekin movie offer myself?
Host: Mr. Faramir,
Faramir: I suppose Jackson's going to have Arwen take over my role and have her do a lesbian love scene with Eowyn. That would be Hollywood today, wouldn't it? I think all of us who were cut out of the movies should unite! I think we should all join forces! I think...
Host: But Mr. Faramir, according to my information here, you have a big part in Peter Jackson's trilogy!
Faramir: I do?!
Host: I believe so.
Faramir: Ha! In your faces, Glorfindel and Bombadil! Losers! Later all!
Host: Yes. Well, ah... I believe our next guest is Mr. Radagast the Brown.
Tom: Hey dol derry dol! *cough cough* *hack, hack*
Host: No, Mr. Bombadil, we've already covered you, but thank you. Could we please have Radagast?
Radagast: Greetings!
Press: Mr. Radagast, were you surprised to be cut out of the movies?
Radagast: Well originally I was to be in the films. However, I could not locate the rest of the cast.
Press: What do you mean? I thought all the filming was in New Zealand?
Radagast: New Zealand? I was told that filming was to take place in Canada!
Host: Who told you that?
Radagast: My friend Saruman.
Host: Oh boy... Well, I guess that concludes today's Press Conference! I hope you all enjoy the movies!
Radagast: And may the wind under your wings bear you where the sun sails and the moon walks!
Tom: Ho now! Dingo wingo... *cough cough* *wheeze*...
Host: Go home, Tom.
*Frodo logs into Middle-Earth chat*
Frodo: HIIIIIIIIIIIII!
Frodo: Hello?
Frodo: Is anyone here?
*Frodo looks at the userlist
Frodo: Ah, guess not, nevermind, I can wait!
*Frodo starts humming to himself
*Frodo bounces up and down, still humming
Frodo: hehehe, i'm so talented!
*Pippin logs into Middle-Earth chat*
*Frodo hums, bounces and rolls his eyes all at the same time
Pippin: Frodo what ARE you doing?!
Frodo: Oops! sorry, kinda got bored!
Pippin: Oh right....
Pippin: Is Merry here yet?
Frodo: Well what do you think?! Look to the right!
Pippin: Huh? Oh right, userlist....Frodo, Pippin...oh, i guess not then
Frodo: Duh!
Pippin: Hey!
Frodo: sorry
Pippin: So what have you been doing today?
Frodo: eating, sleeping and er....smoking....jeez wot a boring life i lead...
*Pippin laughs
Pippin: Who else is coming today?
Frodo: dunno, but Sam BETTA come, i had to force him
Pippin: lol. you think ne of the others will bother?
Frodo: Not sure, aragorns probably too busy slashing orcs, gandalfs too busy, er, being a wizard, and like legolas must me getting a manicure....
Pippin: oh right
*Sauron logs into Middle-Earth chat*
Pippin: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Frodo: OMG!!!!
*Frodo hides
*Pippin leaves Middle-Earth chat*
*Sauron laughs at his friends
Frodo: friends??!!!!!
*Sauron is now known as Merry*
Frodo: MERRY!!!!!!
Merry: Sorry couldn't resist
Merry: u think Pip will come back
*Pippin logs into Middle-Earth chat*
Frodo: i'll go with a yes
Pippin: phew! he's gone!
Pippin: Meeeeeeeeeerryyyyy!!!!!!!1
Merry: Piiiiiiip!!!!!!
Frodo: boy, i feel left out!
[Merry sends PM to Frodo: lol - he doesn't know that was me! don't tell him! it'll b fun to try again later!]
[Frodo sends PM to Merry: ok then]
*Legolas logs into Middle-Earth chat*
Frodo: Leggy!!!!! my man!!!!1
*Frodo gives legolas a high five
Legolas: Do you have to call me that?! and right back at ya with the high five thing....
Frodo: yes i do.
Frodo: Ne1 seen Sam 2day?
Legolas: nope
Frodo: how bout u two?
Frodo: hello?!
Legolas: mayb they're PMing?
Pippin: sorry Merry just called me, we were on the fone
*Legolas rolls his eyes
*Frodo smacks a hand to his head
Frodo: do u realise how pointless that is?????!!!!!!
Merry: What?
Legolas: nm, leave it frodo, we could b here a while!
*Gandalf logs into Middle-Earth chat*
Legolas: hey gandalf
Frodo: yo gandy!!!
Merry: hi!
Pippin: hello
Gandalf: hello everyone! and frodo do you HAVE to call me that? and what's 'yo'?!
Frodo: jeez u guys need to get with it!
Pippin: get with what?
*Frodo screams with frustration
*Legolas covers his delicate ears
*Merry goes to fone someone
*Pippin goes to answer the fone
*Gandalf does nothing really but didn't want to b the odd one out by not doing an action
*Estel logs into Middle-Earth chat*
Frodo: Waaaaassssuuuuupppppp!!!!!
Legolas: hey
Merry: heylo
Pippin: erm...yo?
Gandalf: good afternoon
*Merry is now away (on the fone)
*Pippin is also away (on the fone)
Frodo: er hang on, whos Estel?!
Estel: it's me!!!!!!!
Legolas: do we know you?
Estel: you betta do or i'll.....
Gandalf: I think i would know if i knew a lady called Estel....
Estel: I'M A GUY!!!!!!!
Gandalf: oops, sorry, my mistake....
Gandalf: are you sure?!
Estel: YES!!!!!!
Legolas: ok ok chill!!!
Frodo: yeah watch the CAPS or u'll get kicked. so who ARE u?!
Estel: i'm Estel
Frodo: Riiiiiight. ok then. and er, Estel would be???!!!!!
Estel: For god's sake! ARAGORN
Legolas: Ohhhhhhhh! Y didn't u tell us u were transexual?!
Estel: I AM NOT TRAN.....
*Estel gives up and resorts to trying to kill Legolas instead
Legolas: Aiii!!!!!
*Frodo is still confused but laughs anyway
Gandalf: Oh i remember now! Estel, yes yes, quite...
Frodo: quite what?
Gandalf: quite nothing...that was the end of it, it was just a quite
Frodo: Ok, now u've just confused me Gandy
Gandalf: dalf, ganDALF, honestly boy....
Frodo: honestly boy what?
Gandalf: no that was just honestly boy, i trailed off, thats all
Frodo: i just don't get u ganDALF
*Gandalf gives up
Frodo: don't you mean GanDALF?!
*Frodo ducks the staff GanDALF aims in his direction*
*Gandalf throws his....
Gandalf: Oh u beat me to it
Frodo: as always
Gandalf: whats that supposed to mean?!
Gandalf: ARE YOU IMPLYING I'M SLOW?????!!!!!
Frodo: hey u sed it, not me!
Gandalf: LOOK FRODO BAGGINS, JUST BECAUSE I AM OLD, DOES NOT MEAN I AM SLOW.....
Legolas: oh here we go again, and he used the last name too - its gotta b serious!
Estel: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!!!
Frodo: there you go with the trialing off again!
Samwise logs into Middle-Earth chat*
Frodo: Saaaaaaaaaaaam!!!!!! u made it!!!!
Samwise: Hello mister frodo
Samwise: and everyone else
Legolas: hey sam!
*Gandalf is refusing to talk but motions a wave to sam
Estel: hi sam!
Samwise: Estel? whos she?
Estel: HE!!! i'm a HE!!!! ARAGORN!!!!
Samwise: oh right, beg ur pardon
Samwise: where are merry and pippin?
Legolas: on the fone.....weird hobbits
Samwise: oh ok
Samwise: er...gandalf y aren't u talking?!
*Gandalf says bcause frodo was annoying
Samwise: are you insulting MY MASTER?????!!!!!!
Estel: YAY another fight!!!! this is fun
Legolas: Y does a fight always start?!
Frodo: GanDALF was the confusing one, come on sam, lets leave
Samwise: ok mister frodo
*Frodo leaves Middle-Earth chat*
*Samwise leaves Middle-Earth chat*
Estel: ohhhhhh, that could been good! 2 v 1!!!!
Gandalf: jeez they were so infuriating!
Legolas: oh dang! i'm late for my hairdressing appointment! must dash!
*Legolas leaves Middle-Earth chat*
Estel: its all about the looks with elves....
Gandalf: yes, quite.....
Estel: Gandalf, y do u do that neway?
Gandalf: what?
Estel: trail off.....
Gandalf: oh dear lord, i'm leaving this insane place!
*Gandalf leaves Middle-Earth chat*
Estel: jeez! i only asked! wow - i can sure clear a room huh?!
*Estel looks around*
Estel: merry? pippin?!
Estel: dang..... alone....oooook this looks kinda pathetic....i'll go find Arwen or slay some orcs....much more fun!
*Estel leaves Middle-Earth chat*
*Merry gets off phone and get's back on IM*
Merry: so what has everyone been talking about?!
Pippin: they all left!
Merry: HOW RUDE!!!!!!!
Pippin: and boromir never came - that was rude too!
Merry: er, Pip, boromirs dead.....
Pippin: OMG he is????!!!!!! wait ....... i knew that! oops, my bad!
Merry: wanna go raid farmer maggots crop?!
Pippin: yeah! meet u there!
*Pippin leaves Middle-Earth chat*
Merry: trust me to be the last one left!
Merry: ohhhh that means i can get away with breaking the rules!!!!
Merry: gandalf is a <censored> pig!
*Merry is kicked from Middle-Earth chat*
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=88286
go on that and click on watch this movie
if it says someone is stealing bandwith go on www.newgrounds.com and theres a little search bar, type in one rin to rule them all2