dragonpisces272
got coffee?
I've searched all over the net for movie reviews of "robot holocaust" and the latter said:
This is a lame 1987 sword-and-sorcery movie concealed as a lame post-apocalyptic sci-fi movie. The big difference is that while cheap sword-and-sorcery movies can just use nearby brush for its sets, cheap post-apocalyptic sci-fi movies can film on slag heaps, quarries, or most of New Jersey.
As for the pointless title, don't get your hopes up. We don't ever get to see the robot holocaust. The robots in this movie seem to be doing quite fine, thank you, and none are being crammed into unleaded gas chambers or having their gold microchips pulled out with pliers. Apparently there was a "robot rebellion" that destroyed civilization back in '33. I guess they mean 2033, but it’s never expounded on, and last time I looked a "rebellion" isn't the same as a "holocaust". But my point is, if you put the word "holocaust" in your title I want to see some holocausting! So few movies explore the various types of holocausts, save for "Cannibal Holocaust". The holocaust possibilities are endless: Blender Holocaust, Rodeo Clown Holocaust, Census Taker Holocaust, XFL Holocaust, heck, even Holocaust Holocaust. What's the deal, Hollywood? Play the Holocaust card!
Anyway, this non-holocaust-featuring movie concerns the puny citizens of New Terra, who are forced to slave in the energy mines while they fight each other and wait for a brave leader to lead them in rebellion. Against who? Good question. At the far away and mysterious Power Station lives the evil deep voice "The Dark One", who, with his sidekicks Torque (Rick Gianasi, who went on to be "Sgt. Kabukiman" for Troma!) and Valeria (Angelika Jager, who shows her boobies in the uncensored version), controls the air supply of the city. Torque is a weird-looking shell-fish headed robot, and Valeria is hot but weirdly accented women who says things like "You und yur dau-a-ter are doomed" and "d’you understand what I'm saying?". Its kind of a Dr. Ruth/Elmer Fudd/Michael J. Pollard/Eva Gabor/Barbara Walters-combination kind of voice.
To free the people some heroes set out on a mighty quest. Our hero is the brave, 1980s-coiffed warrior Neo (Norris Culf, who sucks) and his really lame “free-bot” sidekick Kylon (Joel von Ornsteiner, who sucks), who is a clunky pickpocket/C-3PO rip off. Joining them is a cute gal named Deeja (Nadine Hart) whose scientist father has been kidnapped by The Dark One, and two anonymous extras who serve the same purpose as the red shirt-wearing guys on "Star Trek". Together they face lots of unimaginative challenges, like a tribe of man-hating Amazon Women. Why are there Amazon Women in every sword-and-sorcery movie? Does it fulfill some weird fetish for the D&D geeks that write these things? Anyhow, even though the Amazon Queen hates all the characters she agrees to lead them to the Power Station after the totally personality-less Neo saves her life, and she brings along her mute, diaper-clad boy-toy Kai. Now our plucky team is complete, and off they go!
Other perils and pitfalls facing our brave crew are monstrous hand puppets, mutant scavengers (one gets decapitated and his head flies in the air), a stomach-bursting Alien (hmmm...), and a couple of easily-defeated "guard-bots". There are lots of long walking scenes through boiler rooms and dull bickering among the warriors.
In one scene Valeria shows the scientist dad something so incredibly horrible it's off screen and we only hear its heavy breathing, and dad has no reaction whatsoever. Later our gang fights a giant spider ("The Beast of the Web"😉, but we only see one or two of its legs appearing from the side of the screen. In another classic scene Kylon has to dismantle some electrical gate or something, and he gets shocked and runs around in circles like a moron screaming "Malfunction report! I am but a Free-Bot! Report malfunction! Free-Bot!" I'm sure the screenwriter thought that this would be a heart-renching moment as a beloved character's life is threatened, but since the robot was nothing but a whiny idiot the whole movie it's very hilarious. Gratifying, even.
At the conclusion (spoilers) the Amazon jumps in front of a laser to save Neo and he has no reaction. Neo’s lack of screen presence is amazing. Valeria is revealed to be a robot (which has no impact on the plot) and the protagonists were too late to save scientist dad. He's been turned into a giant avacado with his head popping out the top. Again, supposed to be touching, is only hilarious.
This brain-dead feature features the same synthesizer music as "Laserblast" and lots of costumes made of feathers, bathmats, and carpet samples. The special effects are limited to two shots of animated blue electricity surrounding some characters. The director went on to make "Mutant Hunt"! Aside from being the first recent movie to be shown on MST3K there's nothing notable about this stench-biscuit. Its only function is to make the "Deathstalker" movies look like beloved classics by comparison.