Father Jack Hackett ~ "I'm a happy camper" {Father Ted EP : Think Fast Father Ted}
Father Dougal McGuire ~ "It's like a great big tide of jam. But jam made out of... old women." {Father Ted EP : Night of the Nearly Dead}
Father Ted ~ "Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?"
Father Dougal ~ "Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?"
Father Ted ~ "Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film."
Father Dougal ~ "Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is." {Father Ted EP : A Christmassy Ted}