oh look its spearhead the ladies man/pimp 😛 pimp
yeah TH Pmed me for more jookes and ideas today....
anywhoo i just from time to time write rather unoriginal and unfunny scripts of lord of the rings the way i see it
for some reason people tend to lie to me and tell me they are good....liars
anywhooo i got bored one day and started one from the start of rotk....and it progressed and is now at the paths of the dead
to those it may concerneek: im doing something horrible showing you all my script!
*opening scene of a worm *
Audience: are, we erm…at the right film??
*squelch *
Deagol: ive got one! Smeagol, I have one smeagol
Smeagol: I have on two…all boys do, see its called a..
Deagol: no no, not one of THEM, a fish!
Smeagol: (in extrememly high voice that makes you wonder did he hit puberty?) pull it in precious (he doesn’t have precious yet….but apparently the rings pull was very strong lol) pull it in my love
Deagol: (chuckles) ok smeagol, ok ok, don’t go on! (is pulled in water by fish)
Smeagol: your not too, strong are you mate….mate?….hello!?!
(shot of deagol being dragged away by a fish, that’s looking alarmed, well you would wouldn’t you, having HIM holding onto you)
Deagol: shiny (this came out as bubble bubble, but for the sake of the audience, I translated it, bubble is I believe….water elvish for ‘saurons great ring’)
Smeagol: argh, deagol, my precious my love my darling one!
Deagol: (flies out of the water) look, my hand is actually gollums on FOTR prologue, im such a star! (hands are so disgustingly muddy)
Smeagol: heheh DEAGOL ! I found you, I left our boat unattended, and paddled over here, even though the oars fell out with you! (sees ring)
Howard shore: NOW!!!
Music crew: BOOOOOOOOM
Smeagol: give us that, my love
Deagol: why? Finders keepers…
Smeagol: (tries to snatch)
Deagol: you fight like a girl, you talk like one too
Smeagol: don’t go there bed wetter!
Deagol: you swore you wouldn’t tell! (pushes)
(girly fight erupts, not girly as in they mud-wrestled, that would be inappropriate, not girly like those woman boxers either, but girly as in they pulled hair, they scratched, they slapped…you know, the things those 11 year old girls do when they have a misunderstanding)
howard shore: hit it!
Computer man: (flicks switch)
Dun dun, dun dun, (yes…it’s a heartbeat, genius) (*manly* strangling goes on,) dun…..duuuuuuuun (silence)
Smeagol: I wiiin I wiiin, (gets ring)
Ring: talk screeeam whoooo (<<sounding like an T.V aerial)
Smeagol: erm, how are you talking, sauron is not actively ‘awake’ yet, I mean im supposed to have the ring 500 years before bilbo finds it, and he has it sixty, so therefore you aren’t supposed to declare yourself for 560 years, and even if you ARE awake now that would mean sauron could sense all the times I wear the ring and all the times bilbo wears it, making it very easy for him to re-take it..
Ring: dude,,,,,it’s a film!
Smeagol: ooooh right…
(voiceover)
gollum: for 500 hundred years it poisoned his mind
PJ: HIS? I think you mean to say ‘it poisoned my mind’
Gollum: it poisoned peter jacksons mind
PJ: NO NO!!! YOUR mind, Gollums mind
Gollum: it poisoned gollums mind
PJ: and who are you, gollum, so you say in these exact words it poined my mind
Gollum: in these exact words it poisoned my mind
PJ: I give up
(scene cuts to aragorn, gandalf,gimli)
(rides)
gandalf: im am wise, and white, yes, I can dye my beard, the white wizard is evil, he must be de-armed
aragorn: but….aren’t YOU the white wizard
gandalf: yes, but as a white wizard I can break the staff of saruman…the other white wizard
aragorn: so theoretically, he could also break your staff….
Gandalf: SILENCE!!!!!!
(scene cuts to merry and pippin)
pippin: this is just like at home, after a hard days work
merry: firstly, you’ve never DONE a hard days work, and secondly how the hell is it like home, look behind you, theres a big smouldering tower…and lots of walking talking trees
pippin: well….im just trying to make conversation pippin! Anyway look at that shiny thing in the forest
merry: its…the white wizard!! TREEBEARD!!!! TREEBEARD!!!!
Gandalf: its me, fool of a took
Pippin: but, your….dead
Gandalf: no…I rose from the dead
Merry: erm…isn’t that, blaspheming
Gandalf: how?
Merry: well…jesus Christ?
Gandalf: who?
Saruman: gandalf, you have come to isengard, no longer seeking my council, where is theoden, I need to speak with him, then you break my staff
Gandalf: that bit was cut from the film, your not even in it! Hahaha
Saruman: your lying!
Gandalf: no see for yourself
(tom bombadil, and the sackville bagginsess drag saruman away)
(camera goes to gollum, and frodo, and sam)
Smeagol: time to talk really loud and make the audience think how the hell are the hobbits not hearing this
Gollum: ok, you do that! Il make cool reflection camera tricks…..anyhow…lets talk loudly about killing hobbits
Smeagol: yes yes LETS KILL THEM, but they is always watching, they will see smeagol!
Gollum: then we take out their eyes! Or their contacts…whatever
Smeagol: and take the precious for MEEEEEEEEE
Gollum: what?!?! Dude…..its mine!
sam: (appears, goes crazy) you two faced monster!!
Audience: he still has those bags on, does he like…sleep in them!?
(30 second pause while everyone tries to hear the line they missed)
Audience: hey…hehe he actually IS two faced!! Hahaha good one sam!
Sam: (continues beating the hell out of gollum, who screams so loud)
Frodo: (FINALLY wakes up) no sam! NO! (grabs sam)
Sam: oh baby, you know I like that!
Frodo: (lets go amazingly fast for a hobbit)
Sam: sorry but he means to kill us!
Frodo: he is leading us to mordor, its our only way!
Sam: I have another way
Frodo: you do not!
Sam: I do sir….we fly in
Frodo: FLY?!?!?!
Sam: on the eagles……it would save us all the death
Frodo: O_o
(audience gets bored of the love-fest, lets get back to the battles and gore…and people being killed for no apparent reason)
Theoden: lets drink to those who died! Hail, the glorious dead! May they live long and prosper!
Aragorn: (waits,,,,takes TINY drink…nonce)
Eowyn: westu hal,
Aragorn: no no, its EAST to hell, west is to minas tirith
Eowyn: anyway I cannot see your blatant un-love for me, so I will keep trying, here have some soup
Theoden: I also cannot see his blatant un-love for you, well, I can really, I am happy for you,
(scene of somebody who has managed to climb up a vertical cliff face on a horse)
audience: must be a showoff…
aragorn: I was awake and drinking about a minute ago, yet now im sound asleep, *jumps up with dagger*
random soldier: theoden king requests your company
*aragorn goes to see theoden and strange hodded figure*
Aragorn: THEODEN!! LOOK OUT!!! A RINGWRAITH!!
Theoden: *runs out screaming *
Hooden figure: humans!
Argorn: human! Singular wraith!
Hooded figure: *swoosh * *is elrond *
People who have read the book: what the hell is this, it cant get any worse!
Elrond: arwen is dying
23 people of the audience: jesus!!! *leave *
Aragorn: even I am shocked! Are you sure your not sneaking lines in the script
Elrond: no, her fate is bound the the fate of the ring
Aragorn: erm….im confused, doesn’t that mean if the ring is destroyed she will die
Elrond: im not sure, this is just a new movie concept, you don’t have to understand it
Aragorn: oh well. That’s alright, but we can win sauron!
Elrond: no, you cant, your DOOOOOM is at hand, there are not enough men
Aragorn: send the elves!
Elrond: no way! You do know ‘queer eye for the straight guy’ is on that night!
Aaragorn: good point…hmm
Elrond: go for those who live under the mountain
Aragorn: I don’t know them but I have perfectly clear picture of their king, weird huh, anyway how do they live under the mountain, theres no food
Elrond: they are dead
Aragorn: so they don’t actually live their at all….
Elrond: what?
Aragorn: well, they’re dead, so they cant LIVE anywhere
Elrond: shut up and take your sword
Audience: wasn’t he supposed to get that in the first film
(scene cuts to aragorn leaving)
aragorn: come brego….
Men: pussy!
Other men: baby!
The men who don’t fall in the other two categorys: hes leaving us!
Eowyn: no, don’t go under the mountain, you wont survive
Aragorn: I must
Eowyn: why!
Aragorn: it’s the one place on earth you wont follow me!
Gimli: whered ya think your going?
Aragorn: shut it, you cant come
Legolas: look, horses follow me, have you learned nothing of ignorant dwarves
Gimli: *pretends he didn’t hear*, face it, were coming with you arry
*horses are scared, they run away*
legolas: im not just a pretty face, look I can read deadish! ‘please pay at door, remember to tip,’
*they walk in, its supposed to look dramatic, but the actors overdo it, aragorns eyes open too wide, makes you wonder if theres something wrong with him*
Gimli: ooh, an elf will go underground when a dwarf dare not!
Legolas: its not underground, dwarf! It’s a cave, this is a REAL cave not like that moria place you dwarves have
Gimli: I beg to differ, a cave is underground just as much as a mine.
Legolas: incorrect, you see, we are on the same ground level as we were outside, just…with rock above us
Gimli: but that is……
Aragorn: will you two be quiet, we were supposed to build up tension
Legolas: oh well soooooo-REE
Gimli: whats his problem
*scene of aragorn walking, you can hear gimli and legolas in background ‘bloody men’ ‘no, its just those dunedian…’ ‘I know some dunedain, very nice, not like that miserable git’ ‘I saw a dunedain once….’*
dead guy: WHO DARES TO ENTER WITHOUT PAYING AT THE DOOR!
Aragorn: I, and those other two, the hot one and the smaller uglier, hairier one….heygG imli, you don’t have much going for you do ya
King of the dead: SILENCE!
Gimli: how did you change from dead guy to king of the dead, without an introduction!
King of the dead: silence small ugly one! You did not tip! Why not!?
Aragorn: we need our money
King of the dead: NO! you are going to die anyway, you do not need money
Legolas: well, if we don’t need money cos we are dead, why do you need it
King of the dead: that is beside the point, why didn’t you pay?!?!
Legolas: because im pretty
King of the dead: good reason, you may pass
*legolas walks past*
king of the dead: and why didn’t you pay small ugly hairy one
gimli: well look at my size, im a child I get in for free
king of the dead: pass through…and you, the one who is neither pretty nor ugly, with the unwashed hair and stubble why didn’t you pay!?
Aragorn: because I am a dunedain! Aragorn son of arathorn *legolas in the background: you pwe him your allegiance* I need no pay. You must fulfil your oath
King of the dead: oh sure, if your king ellessar then I am king of the dead!
Aragorn: you are the king of the dead….
King of the dead: oh yes…right….you may pass enjoy your stay