This story actually became an urban legend in some places. In fact, I have had people I've never met come up to me and say, "Hey, you're the lift guy, aren't you?"
During the first month of school, my freshman year at Birmingham university , a few friends of mine and I decided to go out. We were going to this crappy bar O'nells. For reasons I will not go into, I decided not to drink that night, but by about 12:30, I was like "What the hell?" So I drank a beer, and a shot of something or other. Then, the shot girl was carrying around these test tube looking things with a shot she called "Blackout." What didn't really register when I first saw it, was that she was getting these shots from a pitcher in a fridge that was just sitting there at the corner of the bar. Everyone had access to it. Being the freshman bar that this was, some upperyears decided to improve their chances of hooking up with a girl, and they put VERY BAD THINGS in that pitcher.
Unfortunately, I did not know this. Everyone who drank even one of those shots became totally retarded. As an example, my best friend, who I have seen drink 14 shots and walk a straight line--she drank 1 of those Blackouts, and was seeing trails for the whole night. I drank two.
And that's all that I drank. The next thing I knew, we are about to leave, and the bouncer wanted to know why I was stealing an empty pitcher. I put it in my back pocket (yes, my Kikware's were that big). I told him simply, "I need it." I don't think he liked my response, as he punched me in the back of the head a few times.
I was forced to return the pitcher and off we went, back to the dorms. Our room setup was such that we had a common suite and 3 bedrooms, with 2 people to each bedroom. I passed out in the common room, on my knees with my elbow on the couch.
What follows from was told to me the next day, first by my roommate, and then by college officials. I have absolutely no recollection.
One of my suitemates, who I was involved in a prank war with at the time, came home and saw me passed out in the somewhat compromising position I just described. He was pretty drunk too. Seeing this as an opportunity to win a major battle in our prank war, he took a fire extinguisher off the wall (one of those with a laser beam of water, not the foam), and he started shooting me in the back of the head with the high pressure water.
I didn't even blink. Then, his true genius hit! He dragged me into the lift, took an Alcohol Awareness Week banner from the wall and draped it across my chest. Then he took bar flyers from the floor and put those in my right hand and he took a lollipop that I had been sucking on, and put it in my bellybutton.
Then, he pressed EVERY button.
Five minutes or so passed and he started to feel the pangs of remorse, so he decided to get me from the elevator and put me in bed. Just as he was about to "rescue" me, these three girls busted into our common area, dragging me behind them, screaming "DON'T DIE, DON'T DIE!
Shortly thereafter, there were 2 RA's, 2 paramedics, and a cop in my room trying to revive me. You know that smelling salt crap that is supposed to wake you up? They had to give me 8, before I finally rose from the dead. Then, they started asking me questions to keep me conscious.
They asked me my name: I mumbled it in response. Then they asked me where I was and I mumble that too. Then they asked me who the president was and, for some reason, I said "chicken."
I wound up being on probation for a semester because of this incident.