almost done with the Quest of the Bright Light.
Orc: Sir, we sent out all of our werewolves.
Sauron: No we haven't. Send out *dramatic close up and sound* Draugluin!
Draugluin: GRRRRRRRRR! HOWL!!!!!
Sauron: Awww, you're so cute. I'm going to play with you all day. Yes I am. Yes I am. Good boy. Go kill our friends outside.
Wolf: Hey what about me?
Sauron: Alright, I had it up to here with you. Get over with it. I don't care about you. Besides, you're DEAD!
Huan: Grrrrrr. *wounds Draugluin*
Draugluin: Why'd you have to be so mean? I thought we were friends.
Huan: Well, I just don't like you.
Luthien: Was that your second speech?
Huan: Dude, chill. I'll tell you when I speak again.
Sauron: What happened?
Draugluin: Well, I was going outside, but this wierd flying thing picked me up and I was like 'Whoa' and they're like 'whoa'. We chilled and did alot of stuff, you know, traveling the galaxy...
Sauron: Aren't you suppose be be mortally wounded?
Draugluin: Oh yeah. My famous three words: Huan is here. *dies*
Sauron: Who the hell is Huan:
Draugluin's spirit: And I thought this guy was smart.
Sauron: Someone, they thos rotting corpse away from here.
Draugluin: I thought I was your favorite, your homey.
Sauron: It seems you guys forget that YOU'RE DEAD!!!!!!!!!
Wolf: Now you know how it feels to be replaced.
Sauron: Time to do this my way.
*Enter fight scene*
Wolf-Sauron: Mr. Huan, welcome. The good thing about being me, is that there are so many of me.
Huan: Dude, I killed all your buds.
Wolf-Sauron: Right, DIE!
Huan: ARGH!
*Both wolves bite and slash each other, but Huan emerges victoriously*
Sauron: Damn, umm, bye.
Huan: And he's suppose to be the future dark lord. Bah!
Luthien: Is this your speech?
Huan: That's it. From now on, I'm always speaking.
Luthien: OK, time to destroy the tower.
Huan: Isn't it a good idea to recuse your love and capture the tower, not crush him inside the wreckage.
Luthien: Too late. Oooops.
Beren: Hi, what are you doing here?
Luthien: Saving you.
Beren: I don't need to be save. I could have gotten out. I'm a big boy now.
Huan: Why? Why am I surrounded by idiots.
Beren: Hmmm?
Huan: I mean: Bow wow.
Beren: Well, Finrod's dead, so let's go one with our quest for the Bright Lights
Luthien: Finrod's dead? Well, he's a Noldor elf, so he was going to die.
*Outside Angband*
Beren: We;;, what do we do now.
Luthien: Ring the door bell.
Beren. OK. *Ding Dong*
Speak: May I help you?
Beren: We're here to see Morgoth to get one of his Bright Lights.
Huan: YOU IDIOT! Don't tell them your plan.
Beren: Hahahahaha. j/k. Umm, we're here to deliever Morgoth's new load of wolves.
Speaker: I should warn Morgoth about the Bright Lights thing, but since you were kidding, I won't. Hold on, I'll open the door. Today's a quite day, so everyone's sleeping. Please be quite.
Luthien: Well, that's good for us.
*Enter Morgoth's Chambers*
Morgoth: No...no...no...no. I don't get it. With Evil Dish Network, I get 50000000 channels, yet nothing's on. Wait, who are you?
Luthien: Hello, you totally hot stud.
Morgoth: *drools* Hello, lady. What can I do for you?
Luthien: *takes off outer layer of clothes, Morgoth stares at her* I'm so lost and lonely. I was wondering if you got a place where I can sleep?
Morgoth: You can sleep with me-I mean sleep in my bed. Most people think my bed is hard, but it's really soft. *Takes off outer armor*
Beren: OK, this is getting wierd. Put him to sleep.
Morgoth: AH! A spy!
Luthien: I don't know any spells like that.
Huan: Night night.
Morgoth: Zzzzzzzzzz
Beren: Now for my knife that's not really mine, but no one knows to do its job. Ooops, it broke, but I got a Bright Light. Oooh, it's pretty and...
Huan: Bright?
Beren: No, sizzlewala
Luthien: WTF?
Beren: Fooled you!
Morgoth: Fooled you too, I'm not asleep. Now die!
Luthien: Hey, lot at these. *exposes her breasts*
Morgoth: Mama! *falls over asleep, really asleep*
Huan: Follow me!
Beren: Where?
Huan: Where do you think?
Beren: Lala land.
Huan: *smacks Beren* I don't know about you, but I'm getting the f*ck out of here.
Luthien: Let's follow the talking doggy
OK, this next scene is a total rip-off of the Matrix Reloaded and the Burly Brawl, but it's still cool
Carcharoth: Grrrrrrrrr. I'm back.
Huan: Who are you?
Carcharoth: Suprised to see me?
Huan: I don't even know who you are?
Carcharoth: You don't realize our connection?
Huan: No
Carcharoth: I don't know how it happened, but whatever happened, happened for a reason.
Huan: What reason?
Carcharoth: You killed my, Mr. Huan. Afterwards, I knew the rules, I understood what I was suppose to do, but I didn't. I couldn't. I was compelled to stay, compelled to disobey. And now I stand here because of you Mr. Huan, because you I'm a new wolf; free.
Huan: That's nice.
Carcharoth: Thank you. But as you know, appearences can be deceiving, which brings me back to the reason we're here. We're not here because we're free; we're here because we're not free. There's no escaping reason, no denying purpose, because you as we both know, without purpose, we would not exist.
Carcharoth 2: It's purpose that created us
Carcharoth 3: Purpose that connects us
Carcharoth 4: Purpuse that pulls us...
Carcharoth 5: ...that guides us...
Carcharoth 6: ...that drives us...
Carcharoth 7: It is purpose tha defines us.
Carcharoth: We're here because of you, Mr Huan, we're here to take from you what you tried to take from us. Purpose! ROAR!
Huan: ARGH!
*Big fight that really doesn't happen, but it's kinda cool*
Huan: I have killed all of your friends, but I still don't get who you are.
Carcharoth: Look past the flesh. Look past it all. See who I really am.
Huan: No. No. NO! It's impossible.
Carcharoth: Not impossible, invetitable.
Beren: I had enough of this. I'm leaving.
Carcharoth: No you don't *Bites Beren's hand off*
Beren: AHHHHHHH! It hurts!
Thorondor: Hero time! Let's get the hell outa here.
...and now the Quest is over with:
*In Doriath*
Captain: Beren is back. He claims to have a Bright Light
Thingol: What! He's back! I thought he'd be dead.
Captain: Here he comes.
Thingol: Oh crap. *coughcough* What business do you have in my city?
Beren: I bring you a Bright Light.
Thingol: Show me.
Beren: It is in my hand. Here. Ummm, other hand. Wait, I only have one hand. Crap! I had to stick out my hand with the Bright Light to the wolf.
Thingol: Hahaha. Unless you bring me the Bright Light, you cannot have Luthien.
Beren: Great, another quest. Here we go again. To Angband!
Captain: He have reports that a great wolf is approaching. It maybe the wolf that has the Bright Light.
Thingol: Cool, if we kill it and get the Bright Light for ourselves and screw our one-handed buddy over there out of his girlfriend. Sweet!
*Neldoreth*
Carcharoth: Welcome back Mr. Huan. We missed you. Like what I done with the Bright Light.
Huan: It ends tonight
Carcharoth: Of course it does. I've seen it, but all know that I'm the one that beats you.
*The two hounds race towards each other and fight. Everyone else stares blankly*
Carcharoth: Why Mr. Huan, why do you presist?
Huan: Because I choose to.
*More fighting*
Carcharoth: Is it over?
Huan: For both of us!
Carcharoth: NOOOOO!!!!!!
Mablung: Oh well, cutting time. Ohhh,a hand... and a Bright Light, but who to give it to?
Thingol: Me! Me! MEEEEEEEE!
Beren: No, me! I got it first. Give it to me.
Thingol: I'll make you a captain. Give me the f*cken Light.
Beren: I'll be your friend.
Mablung: OK, here Beren.
Beren: OK, here Thingol. Now I can marry Luthien.
Thingol: Damn, a promise is a promise.
*Some time later*
Beren: Crap, I'm dying.
Luthien: So am I.
Mandos: Wecolme to my Halls. Please, take a number and wait in line.
Clerk: You are number 13567 and 13568. Now calling number: 7.
Elf Spirit #7: Whoohoo!
Luthien: I don't have time for this. Lalalalalala.
Mandos: Nice music. OK, you can come back
Luthien: I want Beren back too.
Mandos: Well..... I could do that, but both of you would be mortal.
Luthien: Damn, alright.
Beren: Yeh! I'm back to life.
Luthien: So am I.
*Later*
Beren: Dead again
Luhtien: Me too.
Mandos: Sorry, I can only to that once.
Luthien: Falalala Falalalalalala Tafalafaltala
Mandos: Fine, back to life again.
Beren: Yeh! I'm back to life again
Luthien: So am I again.
*Later*
Beren: Dead again.
Luhtien: Me too.
Mandos: Alright. No more
Luthien: *more music*
Mandos: Damn. Go
Beren: Yeh! I'm back to life again
Luthien: So am I again.
*Later*
Beren: Dead again.
Luhtien: Me too.
Mandos: No more!
Luthien: lalala.....
Mandos: Not working.
Luthien: fafafafafalalalala
Mandos: I'm so weak.
*time passes*
Mandos: I'm on vaction. No more reincarnation. Bye.
Battle of Unnumbered Tears. Exa, if you can add to anything I missed, i would like that very much.
*Some time later*
Maedhros: OK, time to defeat Morgoth. Who's with me?
SoF: Memememememe!
Maedhros: OK, Himring and Himlad are with me. Nargothrond? How about you? Orodreth?
Orodreth: Ummm, no
Maedhros: Ummm, yes
Orodreth: Our city must remain secret, so we're sending a small force
Turgon: Orodreth, you're a moron. I'm sending 10,000 from my hidden city of Gondolin
Orodreth: Where's that?
Turgon: In the Encirc- wait! If I tell you, it's not a secret.
Maedhros: Anyone else?
Fingon: I'm in. Hithlum will support you.
Edain: We cannot resist a challenge. We're in.
Thingol: Count me out. I'm staying in my own land
Easterlings: We'll help.
Maedhros: O-K
*Battle before the Gates of Angband*
Morgoth: Yeh! Now I can be 2/5!
Elves: Sh*t, we're losing again.
Easterlings: Hahahahaha, we double crossed you. Hail Morgoth, the Dark Lord of the world.
Other Esterlings: Hey, we're still fighting for the elves.
Hurin: Day shall come again! Day shall come again! Day shall come again! Day shall come again! Day shall come again! Day shall come again! Day shall come again! (ect up to 71 times)
Gothmog: You are our prisoner. Muhahahahahaha.
Hurin: Damn
Huor: Bro! No! Ugg, my eye.
Glaurung: Me back. Me burn. BURN!
Azaghal: Ahhh! Buring! Dead!
Fingon: Must..keep...fighting...die!
Gothmog: Die!
Turgon: Now I'm king
Maedhros: Sh*t, we lost.
Turin's tale, simplified.
*Some time later*
Turin: I do alot more than this, but I'm too lazy. He's a piece of advice: Don't kill a petty-dwarf and don't build a bridge that allows a city to be attacked. Ok, my bad. That was a big oopsie, but hey, at least I killed Glaurung. Here's a reinactment.
Glaurung: Roar! Roar! ROAR!
Me: Argh! Die!
Glaurung: Ugggh, dead.
Me: Haha, I killed the dragon.
Turin: ...and that's what happened.
Beleg: Hey, hi friend. Ahh! WTF?
Turin: Ooops, may bad.
Nienor: Hi, you look good and familar. Have me met beefore?
Turin: You do look cute and familar. Oh well. Let's get married.
Nienor: Sure.
*Some time later*
Nienor: I remember you. You're my brother!
Turin: You're my sister. I married my sister.
Nienor: Must kill myself
Turin: I wonder if that dragon-spell had anything to do with this. Oh well, suicide time. Ah!
Morgoth: Man, that's one f*cked up story.
You mean the Dwarves of Nogrod after Thingol's death? - revenge because some of their kinsmen had been killed by Thingol's men when they had tried to steal the Silmaril they should have used for the Nauglamír 😛 but afterwards their army was destroyed next to the river Ascar (hence the name Rathlóriel, "goldenbed" - the dwarves lost all the jewels they had stolen in the sack of Menegroth there)
Lord of the Matrix? 😆 😆 👆