u may find it funny

secret diary of king theoden

Day One

Desperately in need of new personal assistant. Have contacted Ninety Minute
Minion Services in Isengard. Seems best bet as if minion does not arrive in ninety
minutes you get free Orc. Do not actually know what would do with Orc if had one,
so do hope minion arrives on time.

Day Two

New minion arrived. Not best looking bloke I've ever clapped eyes on, but then
again, not everyone can be brainless pretty boy with big show-off ponytail like
Eomer. Little does Eomer know Wormtongue has promised me new makeover with
Saruman's personal line of beauty products. Has promised me I will look fresh and
youthful.

Day Three

Is that a grey hair?

Day Four

New makeover gone horribly awry. Do not look fresh and youthful, instead
resemble albino dwarf after two years pickling in the Dead Marshes.

Suspect Wormtongue has crush on Eowyn. Cannot blame him as Eowyn quite
smoking. Don't know where she gets off being so high and mighty. Have told her -
pose for Shield Maidens Gone Wild you must expect some male attention.

Day Six

Why has no one noticed I now resemble a weevil? Not has Eomer commented on my
new mascara. Eomer so spoiled. "I want a party. I want a pony." Have banished him
from Rohan for whining.

Day Seven

Have reversed opinion on makeover. Am now quite taken with new look, as is so
alarming no one bothers me. Can sit on throne all day in peace. Much needed
vacation. Citizens of Edoras so tiresome and unhygenic.

Day Eight

Vacation over. Gandalf arrived sporting alarming new makeover of his own. Gandalf
no fun. Cannot abide anyone else having new and daring look. Prima Donna!

Brought along three boy toys of varying sizes. My squadron of hand picked
bodyguards totally whupped by tiny hairy newt, pretty boy elf and unshaven tramp.
Obviously, need better screening process.

Day Ten

Attacked by Orcs. Aragorn "No Skillz 2 Pay Da Billz" Son of Arathorn fell over cliff,
thus avoiding sticking around for battle. So much for Hero King of Men.

Day Eleven

Have arrived at Helms Deep. Time for a nice long nap.

Day Eleven, Later

Nap disturbed by return of Aragorn, who is not so dead after all. Apparently,
absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Morale of men not improved
by Aragorn's craven attempts to sneak away through side door. Have misdirected
him to wine cellar three times now. If I am not getting away from this, neither is he.
Is all his fault anyway.

Am not sure how, but it is.

Day Thirteen

Where is the horse and the rider? No, seriously, where are they? That was my
favorite horse.

Day Thirteen, Later

Losing battle spectacularly. Who is surprised? Not me.

Day Sixteen

Heroic self-sacrificing death scene ruined by arrival of Gandalf and still-insufferable
Eomer. Why did Gandalf wait until dawn to arrive? Suspect is so he would be most
attractively backlit while riding down hill. Drama Queen. Have gotten revenge on
him by telling all my men Gandalf is wearing fishnets under white robe. First one
who snaps his garter gets to snog Legolas.

Who wields the flame of Arnor now, you poncy tosser?

😆

very secret diary of Grima Wormtongue

Day One: Have obtained post of PA to King Theoden of Rohan in Edoras. Wore best
black velvet to interview but no time to wash hair. King did not seem to notice as
most of population of Edoras is grossly unkempt even compared to me. I was a bit
late too, but no one seemed interested in Free Orc. Told stupid Saruman everyone
prefers the cheesy bread with garlic dip, but does he listen to me. Nooooo!

Day Two: Used Quality Saruman “White Hand” Cosmetic Line on Theoden. Vain
old git doesn’t know fresh and youthful from a latrine pit. How the hell do these
wankers get to be king.? If he can do it, I can.

Day Three. Met ‘Shield Maiden Gone Wild’ Eowyn. Will be having wet dreams for
months. Glad I brought a few changes of black velvet boxers. Hope this skanky
backwater has a reputable and discreet dry cleaner.

Day Four: Eoywn asked why am called Wormtongue. Offered a free demonstration
which got her all huffy. Perky breasts thrust forward during her rant. Glad velvet
robe hides my lowers. (Am already on last pair of clean gauchies. No drycleaners
around. No salon to get a decent hair wash. The climate is making me a ‘Michael
Jackson’ pale. Frankly, Saruman isn’t paying me enough for this.)

Day Five: Eomer banished from Rohan. Woohoo!! Theoden totally under influence of
Saruman. Drooling old git’s whiny son died and he didn’t even notice. Saruman HAS
rather sexy velvet voice. And those nails! And … er…

Note to self: Hmmmm. Mayhap should stop using audio hypno-tapes Saurman
packed in my luggage ‘for my education”. Suspect the pervy old **** may have
unwholesome intentions towards me.

On plus side: with Theoden keeping Saruman busy, I have time to work on wild
shieldmaiden’s defences. Nearly hypnotized her but she said my ‘words were
poison’.

Another note to self: Must find Quickie Mart and purchase breath mints. No rush.
Lots of time. Am good as King now.

Day Six. Oh pits! Gandalf.

Day Seven: Fled Edoras on horse. Gandalf showed up and buggered up all my hard
work. Washed all cosmetics off Theoden while grumpy, sleepy, dopey Dwarf held
me at bay. Worst of all – some stubbly skank in funked up leathers had his manly
arms around MY shieldmaiden! Nervy bastard. Vain, old king threw ME down
stairs! Lip is cut, delicate bottom is all bruised -compounded by riding reluctant
horse for 70 miles.

Did not even have time to pack last pair of clean knickers. Am chafing something
awful. Stupid Rohirrim! Bet when they chafe they secretly enjoy it.

Am heading back to Isenguard. Hope Saruman isn’t ticked about the loss of his
hypnosis tapes.

Day 10. Isengard reeks like a Goblin cess pit. Could barely see as I made my way
up road. Still, doesn’t smell as bad as Stubbly Ranger’s leathers did. At least I bath
every month or so. I’m sure a few days inhaling that reek will make Eowyn regret
being so stuck up with me. Hope to get second chance with her when war over.

Day 11: Told Saruman that Theoden will run away like a big sucky baby to Helm’s
Deep. The place is a bugger to siege, of course. Saruman’ll never take it. Wanton
Shieldmaiden will be trapped there with unkempt, leather-clad, testorone-saturated
Rohirrim types. Gives me time for quick dash to the Gap of Rohan for some new
undies, a few hours in a tanning booth and a proper wash. I’ll just show up after the
war and she’ll be begging for a clean, minty-breathed ME.

LATER: Saurman has mind bogglingly HUGE army of funky Urak-hai. Didn’t notice
them on the way in. Can’t believe I missed army of ten thousand scantily-clad
muscle-bound Orc-Goblin crossbreeds. (Applications of White Hand symbol very
badly done. May have to hold cosmetic application seminar.)

Day 12: Am too distraught to get cleaned up. Saruman most annoyed about tapes
and was all full of himself for breeding buffed-up army for Sauron. Wanted to show
me more of his ‘chemical experiments’. Said I had headache. He offered to wear
shield maiden outfit. I will not say yes. I will not…

LATER:

Dammit… how DOES he talk me into this sort of sordid behavior?

Day 16: No news from Helm’s Deep.

LATER:

Bunch of pissed-off Ents showed up and totally flooded the place. Apparently
Treebeard a bit ticked one of his ex-girlfriends was used for scaffolding. Reminded
Saruman about his saying ‘an Ent’s bark worse than his bite’, but there’s just no
talking to him these days.

On plus side, icky Orcy stench is gone.

Day 17: Saruman furious. Bit of an oversight – his insurance does not cover flood
damage. Also, he just noted that he broke nail during shield maiden outfit romp.
The man is intolerable. Am just trying to stay out of way.

Day 20: Spying on Ents. Saw hobbits riding on Treebeard’s face. Learn something
new every week. Did not know Ents were into that sort of thing.

Would wash hair but Isengard’’s water pressure buggered up.

Day 21

Wonder how much Eowyn misses me?

. Balin emerges from the depths of Moria, claiming he "fell asleep in the tub".

2. Galadriel discovers Pippin singing the praises of a bath while he takes one in her mirror.
3. Boromir uses the ring, saves Gondor, destroys Sauron and becomes a wise and benevolent ruler. Book ends 40 chapters sooner.
4. Orc-slaughter competition between Legolas and Gimli becomes so fierce, they take to killing some of the smaller, uglier men of Gondor.
5. Farmer Giles of Ham shows up at the Pelennor Fields and saves Gandalf's life.
6. Pippin hits on Eowyn in a dark corner of the Houses of Healing: "The hands of a Hobbit are the hands of a healer too, you know..."
7. In the happy days after the defeat of Sauron, Gimli keeps his promise and visits Mirkwood with Legolas -- where giant spiders eat them, whom everyone had forgotten about.
8. Aragorn discovers that he is not, in fact, Elendil's heir. His older brother Mutt, after having lived with Ghan-Buri-Ghan & Co. for decades, lays claim to the throne after all the "dirty work" is done.
9. Ents and Elves dispute over title of "first-born". Elrond has Quickbeam made into an armoire; Tree beard grinds Glorfindel into mulch.
10. The Shire, mobilized by Merry and Pippin and now hungry for vengeance, annexes Bree and slaughters "the big folk".
Special bonus plot twist: 11. Gollum adapts to molten Mt. Doom environment, and later plays a critical role in Fourth Age crisis.
1.AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE, THE SCRIP WOULD OUTLINE THE HISTORY OF THE WAR OF THE RING THAT HAPEENED INTHE GALEXY FAR FAR AWAY.
2. GANDALF TELLS FRODO THAT HE IS A TERMINATOR MAIAR FROM THE FUTURE WHO HAS COME TO PROTECT HIM FROM THE SAURONNET CORPORATION.
3. ELROND TELLS EVERYONE AT THE CONCIL " ANYBODY SEE THE ONE RING WILL DIE IN 7 DAYS"4. BEFORE GAFALF FALL INTO THE PIT IN MORIA HE SHOUT TO THE FELLOWSHIP " I'LL BE RIGHT BACK"
5. GANDALF WILL APPEAR TO FRODO AFTER HE FELL INTO THE PIT, BUT HE WOULD BE SMALLER AND TRANSPARENT AND KIND FO BLUE.
6. EVERY SWORDS HAVE "HOOF" SOUND WHEN USEING IT.
7. THE BLACK RIDERS WEAR WHITE KILLER MASKS WITH THE KNIVES INSTEAD OF SWORDS.8. WHILE GIMLI& LEGOLAS ARE STAYING I LORIEN LEGOLAS TURNS TO GIMLI AND ASKS" HEY! GIM YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL LAMBAS IN FRANCE?" GIMLI REPLIES “NO! WHAT?" " LAMBAS RAYALE" GIMLI REPLIES" DANG THAT'S WHACKED MAN"9. GOLLUM'S FINGER LIGHS UP AS HE GUIDES FRODO & SAM TO MODOR, ASKING THEM TO "PHONE HOME, MY PRECIOUSSSSSS"10. PIPPN INSANE BY STARING AT THE ORACLE THROUGH THE PALANNIR AND MUMBLES SOTHING ABOUT THE MATRIX11. BEFORE ELROND HANDED THE ANDURIL TO AROGORN. ARAGORN SAY " MR. SMITH WELCOME BACK WE MISS YOU"12. AT THE WHITE TOWER PIPPEN SING “I’LL SURVIVE"13. AT THE PELENNOR FIELD LEGOLAS SAYS" OPERATOR! I NEED A DOWNLOAD TO HOTWIRE AN OLIPHANT."14. DURING THE BATTLE AT THE PELLENNOR FRODO & SAM ARE AMAZED TO SEE THE TYRANOSOPHAUNT REX BUST FROM THE BUSHES.15. AT THE VERY END OF ROTK FRODO DEPART FROM GRET HAVENS TO ZION MOMENT LATER THE SHIP IS HIT BY AN ICEBERG.16. AT MINAS MORGUL GIMLI CAMES TO SAURON FOR HIS HELP. SAURON SAYS" YOU DON'T THINK TO CALL ME GODFATHER; INSTEAD YOU COME TO MY HOUSE ON THE DAY MY DAUGHTER IS TO BE MARRIED AND YOU ASK ME TO DO MURDER LEGOLAS BECAUSE HE'S GIRL CRAZY.... FOR MONEY."

😆 u are a genius, those are ****ing brilliant!

thnk u ..😉

Hehe! I liked the first post, and the lower case second post more though!

I got a bit confused when it became entirely to do with the matrix...

Hehe, Theoden's journal is teh funnies ^^

😄

now come forth ladygrim....you didnt make that all by yourself did you 😛

This stuff is hillarious. You rock dude! 🤘

oh man u caught me ...

meh, who cares, its good 😄

your god damn right its good.

But i do thak you for introducing me to this feeling which many called laughter 😉

Discos - or maybe it was this bar of weed?

Drugs are bad for you.

yes yes we all know, and so is drink.

Discos - ladies and gentleman....professor Mandos 😬

UHUMM....
What happens when you do drugs and alchool. Here are, IN ORDER, what will happened to you.
1. You're getting tipsy.
2. You don't have control over yourself.
3. You start seeing red.
4. You sing Happy Birthday to everyone.
5. You see blue.
6. You ask yourself "Am I in love with Jennifer Lopez?"
7. You're crawling on the floor.
8. You vomit everything you have eaten
9. Where the **** am I?
And 10. You have an orgasm.