OK...so I have a lot of time in my hands, and due to overboredom, I decided to write a review for all the films. 😛
So I'm sitting in the theater with my bestfriend. We were seeing "The Return of the King" for the first time. She's got the popcorn and the Cherry Coke, and I've got, well, nothing (that's how I watch movies, ever since that time I had to battle the Junior Mint goo that was stuck between my teeth while Tom Hanks was talking to a volleyball).
We have the best spot in the theater--right in the middle, a special double-seater separate from the other seats (and they're like car seats, these babies, in that they magically keep you from falling asleep even though they're so bloody comfortable, and, anyway, David Wenham is only SO cute after three hours).
Then the lights go down, and I settle back, arms clutched about me in repressed excitement. A hushed blackness washes over the crowd as the stretched, crackling previews end and The Movie We've All Been Waiting To See finally begins.
The familiar strains of Howard Shore's Ring Theme sway eerily out of the curtains on either wall of the theater--enticing, dark, somber as Poe...
I sigh, anticipating this Final Chapter of insanity that has plagued the human race since early 1998. This is the end. This is the finale. This is the crown jewel. This is... A GROSS FREAKING WORM!!!
So when the resounding "Ewwwwwww" rolled up from THIS audience at the sight of Smeagol torturing a slimy worm, I felt pretty comforted by it. My best friend and I just smiled at each other. We realized we were a part of The Lord of the Rings Family. At that moment. In that theater. With all those strangers. And it was wonderful.
Such was NOT the case with the release of the first film, “The Fellowship of the Ring”. I went to see that for the third time with my sister on a Wednesday afternoon in our local mall. There were FOUR OTHER PEOPLE in the theater that day, and that's all. And I knew half of them. And we were as quiet as a pack of, say, hyenas the whole time. “Ooh, that's not right. Whoa, they got THAT wrong. Hmm, that doesn't make sense. Why did they do THAT? Wait, is that supposed to be (insert character of your choice)?”.
Of course, that was back when I was shadowy the Invincible. shadowy the Painfully-Skeptical. “The Lord of the Rings” was my baby, and no MTV-ified flimflam of a motion picture was going to infiltrate the heart of THIS iceberg.
I would say I ate those words with the release of the “The Return of the King”. There were plenty of "waaaaaait a minute" moments, but those buzzers were mostly going off only by default.
Over the course of three agonizing years, I have become a downright Fan of the new films. But it's not just the movies themselves that impress me. It's this. It's the community that the release of these films has created. Sitting in that theater, wrapped up in Frodo's big eyes and Sam's tear-streaked face, swept away by the Rohirrim, choke-held by the very terrible onslaught of Mordor upon Minas Tirith--that's all insignificant compared to the enormous and amazing fan-o-sphere enveloping Middle-earth. Really, it's incredible. I've been up there.
This is supposed to be a review, but that would be a silly thing to try to do for these films. Reviews are really easy: "Yep, I liked it" or "Stay away, it blew chunks." I also thought that I should try to do something to break down the films in comparison to the sacred books upon which they are based, but that would be silly too, for exactly the opposite reason.
So I've compromised. I've broken things up into sections for easier reading (aren't I nice?), and have, instead, chosen to cover the biggest issues. I'm not going to talk about things like accurate moon phases or Elvish hair color or whether or not there were tomatoes in Middle-earth.
Right. You've been warned. So here goes...
The Fellowship of the Ring
1. It's a road movie. That means that it's about the CHARACTERS.
Years ago, someone thought up the dramatic device of shoving a bunch of We-Don't-Get-Along’s onto a proverbial school bus and sit back to see what happens. It's kind of like mixing the contents of bottles you find under your kitchen sink.
It also provides for a very linear story. Linear sometimes leads to "arbitrary" (as in "Crebain from Dunland? What the heck is that?" or "Surprise! It's a Balrog! Didn't see that coming, didja? Ha ha!"😉, but it works in this case, since it makes for the easiest introduction to Middle-earth for the average moviegoer who hasn't had time to brush up on his copy of the Silmarillion.
In a road movie like this, there's no plot to worry about. All you have to do is get the names straight and remember who dies.
Which leads me to...
2. The Fellowship of the Ring is TRAGIC, but only in movie form.
The peak of Peter Jackson's achievement with these films is, in my opinion, placing the death of Boromir at the end of this first movie. In the book, this scene occurs at the beginning of The Two Towers (MIGHTY cheerful way to start a book, lemme tell ya). By having it at the end of this film, though, it makes for a beautiful and cathartic experience. Boromir dies, it sucks, but we all feel better for it because now everyone knows how eeeevil the One Ring really is.
3. Your ears will bleed.
This could apply to all three movies, but I thought I'd mention it here.
See, three years ago, they warned us that Arwen would wield a sword in the movies, and they warned us that Tom Bombadil was cut, but they DIDN'T warn us that our eardrums would be SPLIT OPEN by the digital-surround sound effects of Ringwraith screams.
There's nothing funnier, by the way, than being in the theater and seeing little kids cover their ears when the Nazgul show up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Two Towers
The second film of the trilogy is a surprise. If you ask a hundred fans what they thought of it, half of them will say it's their favorite, and the other half will say they absolutely hate it. That's because it drifts further away from the book than the other two movies, yet somehow manages to compensate with some very exhilarating (and blissfully distracting) moments.
1. Frodo and Sam needed a better story so, uh, the writers invented one.
CUT TO: Osgiliath. Frodo and Sam are at the mercy of Wicked Faramir, the sulky baby brother of Boromir. Careful fellas! He may or may or may not be a One-Ring-lusting sonofabitch, and NOT the wise yet shrewd pacifist who hangs out in the woods by virtue of his Istari tutelage.
If you're reading this, by the way, and you think David Wenham is gorgeous (like me), then all that controversial business with "Filmamir" probably had little effect on you.
2. Arwen. So is she leaving? Staying? Uh, MAYBE leaving? No, wait. Staying. Leaving? @&#$!*@!
I couldn't tell. Expanding Arwen's role didn't ever bother me, but there was a point in the second film when I found myself more interested in the missing button on my shirt sleeve than the confusing fate of Arwen and Aragorn. I read the book. I know they get married. What's all the fuss about?
3. The single greatest opening action sequence EVER occurs in the beginning of The Two Towers (well, except for those other ones that are really cool, too).
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Return of the King, and By The Way I'm NOT Crying
1. So long, and yet so short.
Everyone knows it, so I'll get straight to the point. “The Return of the King” is too short. At three hours and 45 minutes, it's one of the shortest LONGEST movies I've ever seen.
ME: It's OVER? But wha...wha...what about (insert particular scene)?
EVERYONE ELSE: I have to pee.
2. Arwen’s confusing fate. Again.
When I saw the film, I rolled my eyes so far back in my head that I found Mississippi. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.
3. You will cry.
I have to give credit to Peter Jackson for this one. Remember what I said way back there about being shadowy the Invincible? This movie broke me down. The last hour of the film remains something of a blur in my mind because I was a wreck of tears from the moment Theoden said "I know your face."
It's not a good cry, either. It's one of those sickening, awful sadnesses that settle deep in your gut until the next day when you wake up all exhausted and hungry for Wheaties and lembas toast. Because it's OVER. It's the LAST movie.
Good thing I have fandoms to keep me company. Which brings me to my last point...
The COMMUNITY is as good as the movies from which they were created.
I did an amazing thing this year. I wrote my first piece of fan fiction for “The Lord of the Rings”. And I wouldn't have done something like that in a million years if it hadn't been for the support and encouragement of other Lord of the Rings fans.
Despite all their faults (ALL their faults), the movies have brought together an enormous collection of devoted fans. Seriously, people seemed to come out the woodwork like hibernating hobbits. Middle-earth is buzzworthy enough to support every kind of fan there is, too. It's like a buffet of fandom--whatever your thing is, Tolkien's got it.
Though we might argue and kick down doors and toss out threats to the filmmakers for lack of certain on-screen romances (ahem), we have to admit: without the films, we wouldn't know each other at all. It's a warmer, more exciting universe we live in thanks to Peter Jackson. Even with a shield-surfing Elf.
And so, after that day in the theater with my best friend, sitting in the dark, having watched the final chapter of Middle-earth unfold on the big screen in all its glittery, jaw-dropping glory, I can admit it. It has made me happy.