Ok here ya go
Maggie ran out of the water and into the house, she ran up to her bathroom and slammed the door. "Ow! Damn," She looked down at her arm. It was swollen, red, puffy and stinging like crazy! She splashed cold water on it, and washed it with soap, that didnt really seen to help. "Why wont it stop?" Maggies eyes were tearing up, she didnt know what had happened.
Thomas knocked on the door and came into the bathroom."What happened??, are you ok?" He said out of breath. Maggie held out her arm, eyes still teared up. "Oh gosh, hang on a minute." Thomas ran out of the bathroom and ran into his room. Maggie could hear him rummaging through a box. A few minutes later he came in with a clear bottle. "Let me see." Maggie held out her arm over the sink while Thomas poured some liquid over the rash. "Eww it smells horrible" Maggie thought.
After about a minute or so the burning stopped,and the reddish rash started to fade. "Thanks" Maggie said to Thomas. "No its my fault, it's jellyfish season, i shouldnt have taken you swimming." Thomas said as he took a seat on the bathtub wall. "My mom made that for me, its a concoction of different herbs and spices, it helps alot." Thomas said head in hand. "I'll be ok, im though!" Maggie told him as she stood up. "I think i'll take a shower, thanks for today, i had fun" Maggie said opening the door for him. Thomas stood up, "Me too." He left and closed the door behind him.
Maggie took a semi-hot shower, (she was still trying to get used to the hot, humid weather) and changed into some girl boxers and a white tank. She blow dryed her hair and sat down on her bed. It was only eight thirty and there was nothing to do. She layed back and closed her eyes, she could see Mack smiling at her.
She must had fallen asleep when she was awoken by the sweet smell of popcorn. "Mmm. . popcorn, i havent had anything since that smoothie" Maggie though as she got up off her bed. She opened the door and followed the smell, it was comming from Thomas's room. She knocked on the door, "Come in" Thomas said from somewhere inside. Maggie opened the door, "Wow, it so home'y feeling" She thought. Thomas had white carpet and wood furniture, along with thick curtains and a big squishy blue bed. "Hey, feel better" Thomas said, Maggie still couldnt figure out where he was. "Yea lots, where are you?"
Originally posted by FeceMan
1. You switch tenses and voices at points in the writing. This really detracts from the story.
2. Paragraphs are your friends.
3. God, even if one is a nonbeliever, is spelled with a capital 'g'.
4. You frequently tell instead of show.
5. Mistaking homonyms is one of the worst, most humiliating things one can do--check the difference between there/their/they're, your/you're, to/two/too, etc.
6. You cram a lot of unnecessary detail into sentences, particularly those in which you are describing the physical appearance of another.
7. You often state intent of a speaker after the dialogue when the dialogue alone would suffice.
8. Mechanical errors.
9. Instead of adding tag lines to everyone sentence of dialogue, you can make whom is speaking clear and have the speaker perform an action.
10. I am assuming that you are writing this "on the fly". There's nothing wrong with that, but I'd suggest that you print off a copy and see if there are things you have written that could be revised to be more concise and, well, better.I'd like to see what this piece would look like if it was cleaned up--why don't you type it all in Microsoft Word and post the compiled, fixed-up story into one post?
If you want, I can give you examples of all this stuff. I don't mean to be rude, but it's bad when one sees a story such as this that has such glaring errors--no offense, my writing does the same thing at times--and just say, "Good job! This is great!" when you could be giving suggestions to remedy these flaws. And, as a writer, it is your responsibility to put our suggestions into action to improve your writing. Otherwise, all you are looking for is a bunch of yes-men to stroke your ego.
Oh wow! So i come bacc after a looooooooooong while and im like well i have to catch up, and yours was the first one i went to cuz i LOVE it! And i realized, that i don't need to catch up! lol OAR....my schools kinda crazy now too we're doin GEPA preps even though they are in MARCH! and its a new school too...its supposed to be hi-tech and all, but its as low-tech as it can get rite now.....we have outlets on the ceiling for lcd players that are not there! lol! Plus the roof leaks, and we sort of had this HUGE storm, and the water got into the electrical system! so like the girls locker room has a HUGE gaping hole in its roof! lol! anyway......post some more OAR!!! i will be waiting with im sure many others!