Re: Why Guys Are So Quiet In Bed
Originally posted by long pig
I was asked this a while ago, and here is the perfect answer I could make up. 😄
Guys are quiet in bed because we are too busy thinking. You heard me right. Thinking. Deep thoughts. You see, it seems to generally the guy's job, (at least in my experience) to make the girl feel as good as possible and have sweet, sweet orgasms. The girl, on the other hand, is generally content to just lay back and see what I've got to offer. Again, I can't speak for anyone else, this is just in my personal experience.Not only am I thinking during sex, I am multi-tasking. My neuro-net processor of a brain is pounding algorithms as fast as my penis is pounding something else.
Just what is going through my head during sex? Like the moon, this is a frontier so far journeyed only by man. But here is a small window of what goes on in my head during sex:
"Alright, time for some action"
"I hope I don't **** up this time"
"Is that the right hole?"
"Oh wait, there it is"
"All right, lets start out slow"It isn't long before my thoughts turn into a quiet panic.
BRAIN: "Damn, she just moved."
BRAIN: "Did I do something right, or did I hurt her"
<soft moaning starts>
BRAIN: "She's making noises!"
BRAIN: "Pain noises or pleasure noises?"
BRAIN: "Let try stepping up the pace a little"
<increased moaning"
BRAIN: "More noises, I pretty sure that's pleasure now"
BRAIN: "Oh yeah, she's starting to flush, I like that"
BRAIN: "Lets try changing the angle a bit"
.............................
BRAIN: "Nope, didn't like that"
<Moans quieting>
BRAIN: "Damn, what was I doing before?"
BRAIN: "**** it, lets try a different position"
WOMAN: "OUCH!"
BRAIN: "Yeah....that one was definitely pain>
WOMAN: "What are you doing?"
BRAIN: "Mayday! Mayday!"
BRAIN: "Decrease Velocity!"
BRAIN: "Open flaps"
BRAIN: "Landing gear engaged"
BRAIN: "Disengage primary thrusters"
BRAIN: "Systems check"
ME: "You allright?"
WOMAN: "Uh....Yeah"
BRAIN: "No system damage"
ME: "Allright, lets try this again"—five minutes later....computer pretty much takes over—
BRAIN: "Allright, back on track"
<Moans increasing in volume and frequency>
BRAIN: "Target in sight, hold position"
<Full body blush commencing>
BRAIN: "C'mon.......C'mon"
<Back arching>
BRAIN: "Hold it......Hold it....."
COMPUTER: WARNING! WARNING!
COMPUTER: ERR-ERR-ERR
BRAIN: "Oh shit"
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD IMMINENT
BRAIN: "Oh shit, not yet!"
<Moaning above 80 decibals>
BRAIN: "Just a little longer"
COMPUTER: DANGER HULL INTEGRITY
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD COMMENCING
BRAIN: "****! I'm not going to make it"
BRAIN: "Pull out and prepare for manual override"
COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD __________
BRAIN: "Pull out, pull out"
COMPUTER: AUTO PILOT ENGAGED
BRAIN: "NO! UNENGAGE! UNENGAGE!"
COMPUTER: TARGET LOCKED....TARGET LOCKED
BRAIN: "If I finish now, will it be too soon?"
BRAIN: "If I finish now, will it be too soon?"
BRAIN: "If I finish now, will it be too soon?"
COMPUTER: <Target heart rate reached>
COMPUTER: <Breathing nominal>
BRAIN: "Must....hold....on"
COMPUTER: <FEMALE ORGASM COMMENCING>
BRAIN: "can't.....hold it"
COMPUTER: <FEMALE ORGASM COMMENCING>
BRAIN: "Its out of my control, its in God's hands now"
COMPUTER: "PRIMARY VALVE: EJACULATING"
<keeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrr SPLAT!>
COMPUTER: "AUTOMATIC SYSTEM SHUT DOWN: COMMENCING"
<THUD>
WOMAN: "Honey, are you alright?"
ME: Yeah.....my head hurts...."
WOMAN: "Sorry" <blush>
ME: No, the other head"
WOMAN: "What?"
ME: Nothing"
ME: Did you cum"
WOMAN: "What, you didn't notice"
ME: Actually, I was kinda too busy to notice"
WOMAN: "You're so weird"
ME: You should try being the pilot next time"
WOMAN: "Get off me, I need to pee"Yea, I got a lotta time on my hands.
My boyfriend is not quiet!jm 😈
anyone ever had this?-
Brain: HOLD YOUR POSITION!!! HOLD YOUR POSITION!!!!
Computer: COFEE TABLE!!! COFEE TABLE!!!! IMPACT IMMENENT!!!! HULL BREACH!!! HULL BREACH!!! ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT ABORT!!!
Woman: Shit!!! Are you ok?
Me:........
Brain😖TATUS REPORT?
Computer: SYSTEM POWER DOWN TO 40%. COCCYX BRUISED, HULL BREACH ALONG DORSAL PLAIN, TEETH STILL IN PLACE.
Brain: Disengage hydraulics, increase power to the motor centers.
Woman: Mike? Mike? Alright, you can be on top next time.
Things not to Say During Sex
1. but everybody looks funny naked!
2. you woke me up for that?
3. did I mention the video camera?
4. do you smell something burning?
5. (in the janitor's closet) and they say romance is dead....
6. can you please try breathing through your nose.
7. a little rug burn never hurt anyone.
8. is that a Medic-Alert pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. but whipped cream makes me brake out.
11. person 1: this is your first time...right?
person 2: yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) hurry up! this room rents by the hour!
13. can you pass me the remote control?
14. do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. on the second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. and to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.
18. so much for mouth-to-mouth
19. (using body paint) thry not to leave any stains, o.k.?
20. hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) it's just a little trick I learned at the zoo.
22. do you get any premium movie channels?
23. try not to smear my make-up, will ya'?
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) but I just steam cleaned
this coach!
25. got any penecillin?
26. but I just brushed my teeth...
27. smile, you're on candid camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!
29. I want a baby!
30. so much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
The list continues below
31. (in a menage a trois) why am I doing all the work?
32. maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. i think you have it on backwards.
35. when is this supposed to feel good?
36. put the blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. you're good enough to do this for a living.
38. is that blood on the headboard?
39. did I remember to take my pill?
40. are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playbot channel...
42. that leak better be from the water bed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. but my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
45. did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. if you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. no, really.. i do this part better myself.
48. it's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate myself.
49. this would be more fun with a few more people.
50. you're almost as good as my ex!
51. do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. you look younger than you feel.
54. perhaps you're just out of pracrice.
55. you sweat more than a galloping stallion...
56. they're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. now i know why s/he dumped you...
58. does your husband own a sawed off shot-gun?
59. you give me a reason to concluded that foreplay is overrated?
60. what tampon?
61. have you ever considered liposuction?
62. and to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. what are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home.
66. are those real or am I just behind that times?
67. were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. is that a hanging sculpture?
69. you'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means nothing!
72. did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...
74. a good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time.
75. does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you.
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic - don't you?
79. Q: you can cook, too right?
A: (whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. when would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: yourself?
82. have you seen "fatal attraction"?
83. sorry about the name tags, I'm not to good with names.
84. don't mind me... i always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. do you have a light?
87. don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a doberman.
88. sorry but I don't do toes.
89. you could at least act like you're enjoying it!
90. petroleum jelly or no petroleum jely, I said no!
91. keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for the Enquirer.
93. so that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94. my old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer.
95. is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlin!
97. hey, when is it going to be my freinds turn?
98. long kisses clog my sinuses.
99. pleases understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. how long do plan to be "almost there"?
101. you mean you're not my blind date?