Here you go, VV:
Episode 1 in brief:
Trade Federation parks their Dunkin' Donut starships in orbit around Naboo to blockade it. Two Jedis, Qui-Gonn and Obi-Wan are sent on behalf of Chancellor Valorum to find out the 4-1-1 on what's goin' down (represent!).
They land, and from what we learned from all Star Wars flicks, silver protocol droids are a bad omen! The ship that they landed in is done blown up and they fight their way to get to the command center. It's sealed tighter than a virgin with steel underwear on prom night, so they bolt to the hanger to escape the destroyer droids, and find out that the TF are ready to invade Naboo (courtesy of orders from Sidious himself).
The Jedi arrive planetside and have the unfortunate luck of running into Jar-Jar Binks, who invites them down to the underwater city of the Gungans. They meet the aquatic version of Raymond Burr (but with less fat) and get a 'bongo' to get where they need to.
The TF capture downtown Naboo-opolis (or whatever) and they now own the queen's throne, not to mention her jammin' booty.
The Jedi show up, free everyone, and get on the train to Scramsville.
The escapees land on Tatooine for repairs because the Hyperdrive is leaking, and they're out of coffee. R2-D2 helps with repairing the damage done during the escape. Qui-Gonn, Padme, Jar2, and R2 make for Mos Espa to look for parts and the local Wal-Mart, but settle for Wattos shop, where they meet McCauly Culkin... uh, Anakin Skywalker.
Oh! During all this fun, the TF get a scolding from Sidious, who tells him that his auxiliary backup Sith, Maul, will take care of the mess.
Watto has no brain to speak of, so the Jedi trick is ineffective. Anakin makes like a playa on Padme, but she had to go 'do her woman thing'.
Jar-Jar fails to shoplift, gets *****-slapped by Sebulba but is saved by McCau....Anakin. They go back to Skywalker Ranch, where Qui-Gonn meets Shmi and does his best James Dean impression.
Ani turns out to have several surprises: he built C-3PO, has a heavy midichlorian count (I guess this is good) and a very messy room. Oh, and he says "whoa" a lot.
Sio Bibble (ha!) sends a distress message, but it was a collect call, and the idiots on the starship accept the charge, so Sidious is able to establish a trace. Maul arrives on Tatooine and dispatches probe droids to scope out the scene.
Watto has what the gang needs to fix the ship, but ran out of money. Ani offers to ride in the Boonta Eve pod race to raise funds and to look good in Padme's eyes.
Watto and Qui-Gonn make a deal for Ani to race.
Of course Ani wins (yeesh, what do you think this is, Star Trek?)
They get the parts, Watto is humiliated, and Qui-Gonn's ass is busted when he and Ani are spotted by one of the probes. Maul shows up and does his impression of 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon'. Everybody manages to leave safely.
They arrive on Coruscant, and meet Palpatine and Valorum.
Um, at this point, I fast-forwarded to everyone leaving for Naboo, because I didn't want to sit through 40 minutes of the cinematic version of 'The McLaughlin Group' .
They land, and plan an 'A-Team' strategy to recapture the city.
With the droids distracted by the Gungan army (oops, forgot to mention that), the small team of crack commandos get into the hanger to get the pilots up there to knock out the droid control ship.
Maul shows up and the Dynamic Duo break out the six-pack of Whup-Ass™ on him. Ani takes to the skies to lend a hand, and Padme and her back-up Harajuku gang make their way to the throne.
Qui-Gonn gets shish-kebob'd, Ani knocks out the cruiser with dumb luck, and Padme lays down the law.
Qui-Gonn is cremated at the bonfire celebration (hey, kill two birds with one stone, that's what I say!), Ani is promoted to Whiney Jedi, Obi-Wan is knighted, and there's a big ticket-tape celebration at the end.
And that's Episode 1 in a nutshell!