Star Whores (story)
STAR WHORES
EPISODE I: DENNIS THE MENACE
REVISED EDITION
Not that long ago, in a galaxy that's actually kinda close to here, if you make a left at Nebula 5(whatever the f*ck that is), there was a nerdy kid named Ogly Want-Somebooty. He was kinda nerdy, and if you got to know him, he could be a real pain in the asss. But he was a Gaydi, a mystical warrior who carried around a giant glowing dildo. If it touched you, it would give you such an orgasm that you would die. Kinda like your sister, but only my dick can survive something like that. So anyway. He hung around with this pedophile named Queer Gon'-Wind. So they went to this watery jungle type place and they found an annoying gay lizard named More-More-Dicks. He went, "Loo loo loo! Mesa like-a da peeenis!" He had a long tongue. I still don't get why he's gay; he could have any woman with that tongue. So then they make the gay frog tell them where the hot queen is. So he tells them and they save her or something. So then they found this little kid named Napkin in the desert. Napkin Guytoucher. He raced go-karts. He was pretty good at it, too. But he was a slave to this ugly blue flying frog with an elephant nose. I don't remember his name because he wasn't important to the story at all. And Napkin's mom, oh boy, she was the ugly dude's *****. Haha. Supposedly she gave birth to Napkin without having sex with anyone, but I say that's bullshit. So Queer decided he really liked Napkin, you know, in that way. He gave Queer funny feelings...down there...So they stole him and took him back to the place with the city and stuff. Queer said, "The force is strong in this one". Oh yeah. THAT force. Uh-huh. Oh, and there were these two robots: The gay one and the beepy one. So anyway, back at the government place, you see this awesome old midget with some skin disease who goes, "Kick your asss, I will!" His name is Yodada, because he's banged everyone's mom. Oh! And Samuel L. Jackson is there, too! His dildo is purple! Kickass! At the Senate, the crusty old guys decide not to help some planet, and that pisses the queen off, so she goes back there. Queer, Ogly, Napkin, and More-More go with her. They tell the frog people to attack something. So the frog leader, this fat one named Boss Gass, gathers an army of gay frogs and they shoot robots and stuff. That battle scene wasn't really great. Napkin saves the day by flying a little plane, and this emo punk with a DOUBLE DILDO kills Queer. But then Ogly goes, "NO WAY NOOB" so he kills the punk. And then the planet is saved and Ogly brainwashes Napkin into liking him.
EPISODE II: THE DRONE WHORES
So it was like, 10 years after the story I told you before. You know, the one with the dead pedophile and the little kid...and those robots that I never really talked about. So Napkin was all growed up, and he was quite the lady's man, but he got pissed off too much. That tends to happen when a hovering blue frog owns your mom's boobs. And Ogly Want-Somebooty was older, too. He had a beard now. This made his seem slightly less like a nerd, but not really. He's an overprotevtive ***** now. So, this really old guy named Scalpenstein was the new leader. But nobody knew he was evil, and nobody knew he was TOTALLY CRUSHIN' on Tapme-and-I'llsuckyouforadolla, the former queen. She's just a congressman now, or something. So Scalpenstein makes evil, and he sells this cloning stuff to these tall skinny aliens, but nobody knows 'cause they're stupid, except the midget with skin disease. He'll whoop tail later on in the story, probably. So anyway, Napkin and Ogly go to this nightclub and Ogly whips out his "JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS" sign and tells people to put down the cancer sticks with his Gaydi mind tricks. That's cheating. Cheaters never win. That means he's never gotten laid. Stupid kid. Napkin kinda sits there sulking and being a total asswipe. Jerk. And then there’s this sexy ***** who kills stuff, so Ogly and Anakin go after her, hoping to get a piece of *ss. But then they find out that the sexy ***** was in fact a hooker assassin! She was after Tapme because she was jealous! So then Napkin, who is also TOTALLY CRUSHIN’ on Tapme, goes and becomes her shadow. Ogly says no touchy, because the Gaydi say that they will never touch a woman. Huh, the name makes sense now. So they do stuff together and they roll around in a field or something. Napkin was horny. He told Tapme that it was just the glowing dildo stuck in his pants, and she probably believed him, too. So then Ogly goes to the planet with the tall skinny aliens, and they say boring stuff, and they show him the Clone Pooper army that they made. Ogly has discovered the secret! BUM BUM BUMMM!!!!!
MAJOR PLOT POINT ALERT!!!!! WEEEOOOOWEEEOOO HAGAAAAGAAA Then Ogly meets a bounty hunter/stripper named Hango Grett. Hango and Ogly have a fight, and it was kinda cool. It was raining. Hango was shooting semen out of his multiple guns and it was all like PEW PEW!!! PHYCHOO!!! KABOO but then Ogly deflected it with the giant dildo and it went VROOPWOANG PWYYOOM<fWREFO ZHOOM!!! So then Ogly and the beepy robot fly away ‘cause they’re scared. Meanwhile, Napkin goes to visit his mama, but he finds only that greasy flying lizard. Lizard man tells him to go to the desert, ‘cause mama ain’t there no more, biatch. So Napkin goes there on this awesome flying motorcycle that goes fast. He finds, like, some uncle and his *****, and some other guy. But the uncle is half a person. He probably ate his own legs. Fatty. So then the half an uncle tells him to go to the other desert, and he does. ON THE MOTORCYLCE OMGWTFBBQSUPERMAN and he sees the gas-mask sand people raping his mom to death. IT’S DILDO TIME! He uses the orgasmic power to drive the sand people away, but it’s too late for Mama. She dies. AHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! PWNED!!!!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!! So then Ogly, Napkin, and Tapme all wind up on the same planet somehow. The beepy robot is there too, he’s all like BEE BEEP BOOP BOODOODOO and the gay one is saying gay things. Then the intermission came so I could try to remember what happens next. Here’s a little dancing man to keep you distracted while I ask what happened next.
Thanks. I guess Star Wars nerds come in handy, sometimes. You see some old guy who used to be a vampire in old movies named Count Mypoopoo. He likes numbers. Then he says some things about the S.hit Lord. Yodada and him get into a fight, and Yodada totally whoops *ss!!!! It’s a huge dildo fight, and Yodada flies around everywhere and this was the best part of the whole movie! I almost peed my pants ‘cause I drank too much soda, not because of the movie! And Napkin, Ogly, and Tapme are thrown into the sex arena to arouse some animals. But instead, they beat up the animals, and then PETA raided the arena. They chanted and wrote picket signs, and this, of course, led to a whole giant fight. The Gaydi show up out of nowhere, led by Yodada. The Clone Poopers are unleashed, and an epic battle scene commences. The black guy kills Hango by slicing off his legendary genitalia. Hango’s son, Booba, is sad and vows to kill the black dude, which is probably what happens in the next movie. And there’s violence, violence, and shooting and exploding and Oh my God Joel Seigel just said Return of the Sith made over $5 billion worldwide today. So then Napkin and Tapme get married. UH-OH! <insert picture of kid from Home Alone>