Lol!!
EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT: THE STARS, OBVIOUSLY
GEORGE LUCAS
Too bad I decided to do episodes I-III after IV-VI. Now
everything will be extremely anticlimactic…I mean, ironic.
The BACKSTORY wanders by.
AUDIENCE
So, our major, intergalactic crisis is trade relations?
QUI-GON JINN
Come, Obi-Wan. We must use the Force and the power
of our hyphenated names to stop the Evil Stereotypes.
EVIL STEREOTYPES hunt down QUI-GON and OBI-WAN with the relatively effective DROIDS, making the AUDIENCE wonder why evil people ever switched to the incredibly inaccurate STORMTROOPERS.
EXT. SURFACE OF THE AWFULLY PRETTY PLANET
QUI-GON runs smack into THE-UNIVERSE’S-MOST-ANNOYING-THING-THAT-DOESN’T-ACTUALLY-EXIST, henceforth known as JAR-JAR.
JAR-JAR
Messa gonna take you to the land
of Annoying Stereotypes, okey-day?
MEANWHILE:
The EVIL STEREOTYPES use their relatively effective DROIDS to capture NABOO and threaten QUEEN AMIDALA in stereotypical fashion.
EVIL STEREOTYPES
All your base are belong to us.
QUEEN AMIDALA
Why did a planet threatened with war elect a teenager
to be queen? How does one even elect a queen?
INT. AN EMPTY GREEN BOX
JAR-JAR
Messa’s home.
OBI-WAN KENOBI
Um, there’s nothing here.
SUDDENLY, the movie catches a severe case of CGI-ITIS.
OBI-WAN
Ah! Where did all these Annoying Stereotypes come from?
QUI-GON
It is the Force.
OBI-WAN
You mean these parasites in our blood?
BOSS NASS threatens QUI-GON and OBI-WAN in a ridiculous PIDGIN. QUI-GON uses his PARASITES to convince him to let them go.
BOSS NASS
Yousa can go through the planet’s core.
AUDIENCE is a bit skeptical.
BOSS NASS
Jar-Jar, you to be pu-nished.
AUDIENCE
Yay!
QUI-GON
Wait, let us have him.
AUDIENCE
Nooooo!
The GUNGAN SHIP takes them through the PLANET’S CORE, which appears to be based in water and not melted heavy metals.
GEORGE LUCAS
Allow me to demonstrate the food chain.
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN rescue AMIDALA and the AUDIENCE discovers why evil people switched to STORMTROOPERS.
DROID
Huh, I wonder why those men with the flashy sticks are
coming at me. I guess I’ll just stand here then.
QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, ETC. escape and we are reintroduced to R2-D2.
HALF THE AUDIENCE
How clever.
OTHER HALF
How contrived.
R2-D2
Beep-wooop!
(Shut up, you!)
INT. EVIL STEREOTYPES SECRET ABOVE PLANET BASE
DARTH SIDIOUS
We’re just going to pretend the audience has no idea who I am.
AUDIENCE sees the first of five minutes of DARTH MAUL.
EXT. A SANDBOX
AMIDALA
No, it’s Padme now.
QUI-GON
I’m sure we’ll be able to find and pay
for what we need in the middle of nowhere.
WATTO
Wow, I’m a jerk.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
I’m sooooo cute!
VADER FANS are horrified to discover their hero once used phrases like “YIPPEE” and “WIZARD.”
ANAKIN
Are you an angel?
AUDIENCE
Wow, he’s smooth. Are we sure he’s not Lando’s father instead?
PADME
Aren’t you the cutest thing!
AUDIENCE
Cradle robber!
The AUDIENCE is reintroduced to C3-PO.
ENTIRE AUDIENCE
Really contrived.
OBI-WAN
Am I even in this movie?
QUI-GON needs to win ANAKIN from the increasingly annoying WATTO and GEORGE LUCAS needs to show off his CGI again, so they have a POD RACE. It looks AMAZING.
GEORGE LUCAS
Must…create…tension.
AUDIENCE
And Anakin wins. Yay.
GEORGE LUCAS
It’s suspenseful! Yes, it is!
ANAKIN wins and NOBODY is surprised.
QUI-GON
Now you can come with me and get rejected by the Jedi
Council. We’ll have to add a hyphen to your name.
ANAKIN
But, I’m so afraid of leaving my mom!
SHMI SKYWALKER
Be brave. I love you.
AUDIENCE
She dies, doesn’t she?
DARTH MAUL appears for another 4.5 seconds of screen time.
INT. JEDI COUNCIL
GEORGE LUCAS realizes that his QUASI-RELIGIOUS FORCE IMAGERY has been reduced to a blood disease. He decides to fix this.
QUI-GON
Anakin is the Chosen One!
YODA
Trouble he will be.
QUI-GON
But if I can train him…
YODA
Listening I am not.
QUI-GON
I’m going to train him anyway. He can balance the Force.
AUDIENCE
Well, considering that balance would mean an
equal amount of good and evil, and there appears
to be more good than evil in the universe right now…
Yes, he does technically balance the Force.
INT. A SENATE THAT IS SO LARGE IT PROBABLY CAN’T ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING
SENATOR PALPATINE
I’m evil!
NO ONE notices.
AMIDALA
Despite not having a plan, I want to go home.
JAR-JAR
Oooh, ooh! Messa want to help.
AUDIENCE
Diediediediedie!
EXT. THE PRETTY PLANET
AMIDALA
It’s Padme. Help us.
BOSS NASS
No.
PADME/AMIDALA
Please help us.
BOSS NASS
Okay.
Now it’s time for the SIMULTANEOUS SCENES AT THE END OF THE MOVIE for which GEORGE LUCAS is famous.
INT. SCENE ONE
AMIDALA/PADME and CO. look around for an EVIL STEREOTYPE. It is BORING.
INT. SCENE TWO
DARTH MAUL
Finally, I get some extended screen time.
DARTH MAUL, QUI-GON and OBI-WAN have a well choreographed fight that inspires AWE, FEAR AND MANY ADJECTIVES.
QUI-GON and DARTH MAUL fight in a place with RED FORCE FIELDS that have no real purpose other than to provide pauses so GEORGE LUCAS can switch to other scenes without interrupting a fight sequence.
EXT. SCENE THREE
JAR-JAR and ASSORTED GUNGANS fight with DROIDS. Hot CGI on CGI action ensues!
EXT. SCENE FOUR
ANAKIN “accidentally” ends up piloting a spacecraft, with R2-D2.
AUDIENCE
Ha ha! The adorable scamp!
SCENES ONE – FOUR alternate for awhile. FINALLY:
INT. SCENE ONE
AMIDALA and CO. catch an EVIL STEREOTYPE. NO ONE cares.
INT. SCENE TWO
DARTH MAUL kills QUI-GON, the beloved mentor figure, leaving the younger, inexperienced OBI-WAN with the battle.
OBI-WAN
I’ve had a vision of my future.
DARTH MAUL
Grr…I could probably kill you pretty quick, but I feel like gloating.
OBI-WAN
Finally, I get to do something useful to the plot.
OBI-WAN slices DARTH MAUL in half while he stands there stupidly, like a DROID or something.
EXT. SCENE THREE
AUDIENCE
Yay, the Gungans are losing!
GEORGE LUCAS
That’s not supposed to be your attitude.
EXT. SCENE FOUR
ANAKIN
Gee whiz, I’ve crashed into the Evil Stereotypes’ hangar bay!
MORON WHO DESIGNED THE DROID CONTROL SHIP
Hmm…I think I’ll put the core generator right next to the ship’s hangar.
ANAKIN takes out the whole EVIL STEREOTYPE fleet with one shot.
EVIL STEREOTYPES
Somebody set up us the bomb!
MORON WHO DESIGNED THE DROID CONTROL SHIP
Next I think I’ll design a giant gray Christmas ornament that’s impenetrable
except for one spot that will destroy it completely. Then, I’ll build two of them!
Unfortunately, the ship’s destruction resolves SCENE THREE before the GUNGANS are all dead.
INT. SAD END
THE ENTIRE CAST watches QUI-GON’S FUNERAL.
YODA
Two there are…Master and apprentice.
MACE WINDU
Who do you, the audience, think we got?
The CAMERAMAN decides to give the AUDIENCE a hint and pans over to SENATOR PALPATINE, who is smirking rather inappropriately for a funeral.
EXT. HAPPY END
EVERYONE celebrates and AMIDALA gives the STATIC ELECTRICITY BALL OF HAPPINESS to BOSS NASS.
AUDIENCE
Yay!
But, JAR-JAR is still alive.
AUDIENCE
Nooo…God, no!
GEORGE LUCAS
You called?
AUDIENCE
Please. We’re sorry we whined about the Ewoks. Make it go away!
GEORGE LUCAS
Ha ha ha! Wait till the next movie! I’ll put N’Sync in it!
AUDIENCE becomes AFRAID. FEAR leads to ANGER. ANGER leads to HATE. HATE leads to…
AUDIENCE
We find your lack of respect disturbing.
GEORGE LUCAS
*choking*
I’m sorry, I’ll cut that scene…
AUDIENCE
Never underestimate the power of your fanbase.