also i have had this strange but awesome greenstone necklace made in New Zealand, apparently these necklaces have been used to put a part of one's soul inside of them and this has been happening for hundreds of years
i am not to sure how to give my soul to the necklace or imprint it, so i decided to start out slow and just call it by name
Sambuca
(i love the name and it is a good coincincidence 🙂 )
I had a chance at that life at one point.
I could have had security, and comfort, and somewhere to live. I could have had a home and family and a partner and someone I could hold at night and a job doing logging with her father and my own room with a double futon and free time to write and spend with friends and a warm fireplace in the Winter and cool Summer nights outside with a glass of wine and time to myself when she was at uni and time with her when she wasn't and freedom and limits and joy and arguments and maybe even marriage and even even maybe kids and a future that didn't involve bitterness and a lack of cognitive dissonance and time to play my guitar and even time to play in a band and more time to write and send my work to publishers and a duvet and Christmas presents and even just a meaningful Christmas day and real birthdays and family events like christenings and funerals and family friends with mild racist tendencies are actually decent people really and free pot and comfort and a reason to stay on this planet and someone who cared about me and a best friend and a way of sleeping at night without waking up or oversleeping and someone to tell me I'm doing alright and someone to warn me when I'm not and a centre, a focus, a drive, a sense of belonging in a world that I shouldn't really belong to, a reason to live, a way out of the drudgery of isolation, a light.
But I gave it away for a university degree, and loneliness.