A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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A doctor told a man, who's wife had just had a baby, that the baby could fly. To demonstrate, the docotr held the baby above his head, and dropped him. The baby fell and hit the floor. The man was pissed, but the doctor tried again, this time from a step-stool. The baby fell and hit the floor again. The man was about the punch the doctor. But the doctor wanted to try one more time. He swore that the baby flew. The doctor walked to the window, held the baby out and dropped him. The baby fell 3 stories down right to the hard side-walk. The man was pratically strangling the doctor now, but the doctor managed to say "Just kidding. Your baby was born dead."
A doctor told a man, who's wife had just had a baby, that the baby could fly. To demonstrate, the docotr held the baby above his head, and dropped him. The baby fell and hit the floor. The man was pissed, but the doctor tried again, this time from a step-stool. The baby fell and hit the floor again. The man was about the punch the doctor. But the doctor wanted to try one more time. He swore that the baby flew. The doctor walked to the window, held the baby out and dropped him. The baby fell 3 stories down right to the hard side-walk. The man was pratically strangling the doctor now, but the doctor managed to say "Just kidding. Your baby was born dead."
A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask
me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d
of a f**king bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
Originally posted by HBK
This was voted the funniest joke in the world.Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"
I personally don't think it's funny but...
Here's one:
A boy was walking around his house getting ready for the arrival of the teachers for a conference in his house. Suddenly, ther boy hears his father loudly yell," Shit!" The boy goes up to his father and asks," What does shit mean?" and the father responds with," It's the stuff on my face". So the boy then hears his mother say, "F*ck!" the boy goes up to his mom and asks, "What does **** mean?" And the mother replies," It's what I'm stuffing in the turkey". The boy, who now has added two words to his vocabulary, hears a loud shout from down the hall, B!tch!" The oy walks over to his grandfather and asks what B!tch means. "It's a word for adults".
The boy hears the door rings and goes over to it. "Welcome B!tches. My father is up in the bathroom scraping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen F*cking the turkey".