A vampire story

Started by TigerEyes1 pages

A vampire story

I stared down into his eys, those blank dark eyes. I had done it again, killed to survive. My life was a harsh reality, I killed mortal to survive, I killed them and drank their sweet blood.
I was a vampire, a reject of the so called "real life" I was immortal and I walked with mortals both day and night. I'm not like other vampires, I was born a vampire and there fire didn't effect me at all, I could with stand light for sometimes, yet I still prefered night!
I looked no other then sixteen, with long black hair and bright green eyes that glowed in the dark. My skin was as white as snow. My givin name was Li-Takari but I never went by it. I called myself Kalcanna.
-"Li- Takari, come now, you don't want to get attached to the dead." said a woman who looked to be in her thridys, with neatly combed blond hair and blue eyes.
My Mother, her beauty was her strengh and her weekness. She reminded me of one of those movie stars you see on the television. She may have looked thridy but she would have been three hundred in January. H
- " I told you not to call me that!" I yelled back at her. I took one final look at the boy laying in the alley, I turned on my hells spending my long black leather jacket flying behind me as I walked off.
My Mother wrapped her arm around my shoulder, her skin was warm with the blood of her victim. Her was much whiter then I was, I knocked her arm off and took a few steps ahead. As I walked I could feel her glare on the back of my neck.
She often glared my way. Every vampire was an aprentice to another, you were bound to your creator. Yet since I had no real creator, I was free to do as I wished, My mother hated that. I inly knew of three other vampires like myself, day wanders, night crawlers and free. Two of the three went into hiding once the wars started. I'm Ashamed to say one of them is my sister Alysa, a beautiful girl around sixty in age, yet she looked no older then twelve. She had black hair and green eyes that were known in my family.
Oh yes, My family, The Aaron family, known by all vampires feared by most of them. My father was a fearce man around six hundred years old, he fought many mortals and vampires in his life. He was proud to know I was going to fight back and not hide like Alysa. I wasn'ty afraid of my final grave, the one where I'd lay unable to live anymore. My father admired my courage but my mother on the other hand, she wanted me to hide away in europe wiht my sister.
-" Kalcanna, stop!" Came a deep voice from behind.
I slowly turned around to face the voice. I saw the bright green eyes immediatly and knew, He had shaved off his black hair and he wore a black suit. He held my mother in his arms.
-" I thought you weren't comming back until next month, Father." I said without directly looking at him.
" I decided to come back early, I missed you two." He said. " Your sister sais hello by the way."
-" I don't care what she said." I replied, I blew some hair out of my eyes.
-" Come now Li- Takari, that's no way to talk about your family."
-" Yah whatever." I turned around and kept walking. I could hear my parents starting to argue quietly about my attitude.
They always argued about me . I forced their voices out of my head and jumped straight up onto the roof of a near building. I strolled across the top. The moon was high in the sky, it's light bounced off my skin. I stepped off the edge of the building and landed on the ground below. I didn't stop, despite the [ain in my leg from the fall.
-" Well if it isn't Kalcanna."
I stopped in my path, a could see the dark figure standind in a corner. I glanced over their way and a cold hand touched my shoulder from the otherside. Soon followed by an arm wrapping around my tiny waist.
I looked up at the face of a young teenaged boy,. His blond hair was gelled up in spikes and his blue eyes sparkled.
-" Alix..." I started to say but was cut off by his sudden touch of his lips to mine. I pulled away.
-"Not in front of Clodie, Alix." I whispered
He nodded his head and wrapped his free arm around my waist too.
-" So where's my girl been all night?" Alix asked.
-" With my mother, " I smirked." She wouldn't let me wander off too far, I would have come earlier but..."
-" It's okay, what matters is your here now." He said, He smiled slightly and his teeth glowed with the light od the moon.
-" Where's Nadia?" The boy in the shadows suddenly asked.
-" With her master. he came back yesterday night and she hasn't been able to escape yet." I replied. " Don't look so down, she'll be hjere tomorrow."
I giggled slightly, Clodis glared my way.
-" Are you going to stay tonight?" Alix asked.
-" If you want me too" I replied.
-" Of course, who wouldn't want a gorious girl like you sharing their coffin."
I smiled, My fangs touched my lips and I could taste the blood of my earlier victim. I had cut his life so short to continue mine. My mother was right I was becomming attached to the dead.I closed my eyes to rid the image of the boy's face from my mind. Alix's hand touched my face and he pressed his lips to mine. I could taste the blood in his mouth. I could feel it passing between us, our power being equalised. I wrapped my arms around his body holding him tight. He pulled away and nodded at Clodis to go inside.
We soon followed, Clodia has turned on the tiny tv in the large room with no windows. In each far corner there was a black coffin, the walls were deep red and the ceiling painted black. I took a seat on the purple vlvet couch, Alix pushed his way beside me. Clodis flipped the channels looking for the early morning news, the new didn't appeal to Alix or me.
Alix was my vampire partner, We'd secretly been seeing aeach other for almost three years. My father had found out and Alix didn't know where his parents are, nor did he care, that's why he had made Clodis.
______________________________ So tell me what you guys think...Thanks

I like it!

Originally posted by danagrint
I like it!

thanks alot..got any tips on anything?

People loved correct grammar and prefect punctuations and spelling. And most people like details so they can imagine the story

Okay second part (end of chapter one):

Clodis had been eighteen when Alix bit him. He was a taller, muscular boy with red hair that just grew to past his chin.He often wore baggy jeans and hoodies, he hardly ever showed any skin exfcept for his face and neck, and he even wore collars to cover his neck. He was ashamed of his paleness, even if it was nothing close to as pale as mine or alix's.
Alix was a beautiful white color. It blended perfectly with his body, his muscular boDY.
A slight tapping noise came from above, the occupants of the apartement had woken, that was Clodis's alarm. He was unable to withstand the light, so every morning when the people above woke, he went to his coffen to sleep, which left sdome time for Alix and I.
Clodis closed the wooden lid dressed in silk on top of himself adn I could hear him lock it. Alix immediatly wrapped his arm around my shoulder pulling me toward him. He switched the tv off and leaned over to kiss me. I pressed my finger to his lips.
-" Alix hold on." I said
-" What's wrong? He asked
-" Lisen," I said, " They're not moving." I pointed toward the cieling.

Ok i got some advice for you.
A.) grammar needs to be checked over a second time. not much mistakes, but you may want to do that.
B.) spelling wasn't too bad, but you may want to use spell check.
C.) more description could be used in the characters. You want readers to be able to know what the characters look like as you are talking about them.
D.) enter between new paragraphs. Makes it less confusing to others.
E.) You shouldn't honestly use first point of view. unless you are 100% sure of yourself using first person.
F.) you should get a beta. it helps a lot. i don't have one personally, but you may want one.

To sum it all up...great story, can't wait for more!

Originally posted by Saratn
Ok i got some advice for you.
A.) grammar needs to be checked over a second time. not much mistakes, but you may want to do that.
B.) spelling wasn't too bad, but you may want to use spell check.
C.) more description could be used in the characters. You want readers to be able to know what the characters look like as you are talking about them.
D.) enter between new paragraphs. Makes it less confusing to others.
E.) You shouldn't honestly use first point of view. unless you are 100% sure of yourself using first person.
F.) you should get a beta. it helps a lot. i don't have one personally, but you may want one.

To sum it all up...great story, can't wait for more!


okay here's my response to this...I have horrible grammar thats the only thing really keeping me from making it in the writting world.
2) My computer is crap and so therefore i don't have spell check
3) I hate descriptions.....lol...sorry but i do. So yah i'll try to add more.
4) GOOD SUGESTION
5) umm i wrote the whole story like this...so if i change it now i'm screwed
6) what's beta?

Chapter two: (Part 1)
-" Its nothing, Kalcanna, your just a little paranoid" Alix replied.

-" Yah, you're probably right." I said.

He wasted no time to wrap his other arm around me and lean on me so we both layed on the velvet couch. He weight on me, his lips pressed on mine, the blood traveling through us.

I still couldn't help but wonder about the sudden lack of noise. When something out of the ordinary happened, it scared me. I only fear two things besides the unordinary, Losing Alix forever and the vampire race being wiped out for good. Every day those got closer to a reality.

We never had to lock our coffins before mortals started to raid our homes, killing us in our sleep. The war had started over 10 years ago and in my own mind had ended within a year. The mortals just stopped caring, it was vampires we really had to worry about. A myth of an all powerful stone had suddenly risen from the mortal war, which sent every power thirsty vampire on a rampage searching for it, killing everything in their path including their own kind.

Alix licked the last of the blood off my lips and sat up. I cuddled myself up to him, resting my head on his chest, He ran his hand through my black hair, whispering how much he loved me into my ear, I adored his voice. It was calming, soothing and manly.

He was everything I needed and wanted in my life, my long immortal life. The problem was the war threatened our love, threatened to cut it short. I dared not think about it. I'd never admit it but I needed him to survive.

-" You ready to go to sleep?"

-" Sure." I replied.

He grabbed my hand and walked me over to his coffin in the right corner of the room. He forced the lid of the black coffin open, it was dressed in deep purple silk. Alix layed down on one side and I layed beside him. He closed the lid on us and locked it shut. He kissed my cheek one last time and closed his weary eyes. After awhile I closed mine and fell asleep.

I awoke to a pounding noise on the lid of the coffin. I elbowed Alix to wake him up and unlocked the lid. I pushed it open, Clodis was leaning against the wall with a sturn calm look on his face.

-" What?" I said

-" I thought it would be a good time to go drink." Clodis replied." Alix doesn't let me go alone."

I glanced back at Alix who had drifted back to sleep. I elbowed him once again and climbed out of the coffin.

i friggin love it man....umm my only suggestion...well...one is just seriously put just a little more description....and my other suggestion is to WRITE IT FASTER

wow someone wants me to keep going..i was gonna shut it down...but now i dunno i might keep going...